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female
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anonymous
writes: My bf and I have been together for almost 6 months. I am 29 and he is 27. I have three children from a previous marriage, he has never been married and does not have children.He lives about 30 miles from me, and works about 5 miles from me. He stays with me during the workweek to save time on his commute.In the first month of our relationship, he took me to meet his parents and we went to a baseball game with his older brother. After that, he started to hide our relationship. His family assumes that he and I were a short-term thing and that he stopped seeing me a long time ago. When I asked him where they think he is staying during the week, he is vague and answers "in XYZ (my town)". He admits that they have no idea he is at my house.Whenever we make weekend plans, he ditches me at the last minute. He even creates fights so he can have weekends to himself.He and I have talked seriously about marriage, but I'm very upset that he hides our relationship from his friends/family/coworkers. I was good enough to meet them, but he decided that I wasnt good enough to be a part of his world.In fact, he just moved this past month and I have yet to see where he lives. Our relationship exists at my house, and my house only. He's the perfect boyfriend when he's here. He calls me 4-6 times a day, etc. He's not mean or abusive. The only problem is the relationship hiding.His excuse was that he doesn't want his family to get too attached to me, just in case it doesnt work out. But he doesnt understand that it will never work out when he treats me like this.What do I do with this Catch 22? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): You need to talk to him and tell him exactly how it feels and he needs to stop hiding the relationship if after that he still does it then tell him that i cant do this anymore you either stop now or we are finmnished. If he still carries on then he is not worth it
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male
reader, Monk +, writes (2 December 2005):
Well, looks like you're hot, smart, and with it. In that case keep him around for company and sex - mutual exploitation. You're still young so you shouldn't have too much of a problem finding a guy to make Brady Bunch version N. It'll be beautiful.
Then it's probably the fact that you have kids. Sheesh, didn't realize people were such purists nowadays. Or perhaps this guy did such a poor job of representing you that they automatically assumed, as I did, that you'd be a financial burden and worse. If you're not going to be a financial or emotional burden, then the kids aren't that big of a deal.
It's going to be tough for you to find a single guy with no kids. You're tainted material to most of them. Patriarchy and its interpretations of evolutionary biology suck.
You know what would really mess with him. Just tell him that you'd like a mutually beneficial (exploitative) relationship. Go ahead and let him search for someone his family finds more appropriate. In return, he should keep an eye open for you. Mess around with his head while you're in bed doing it. Like ask him if he's ever going to find a better lay. He'll be an emotional wreck in no time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2005): I actually didn't have my children early. I was married at age 22 after dating my ex for 2 years. I had the first at 24, and the two boys were born when I was 26. I share custody with their father. In regard to my divorce, no, I did not see it coming. I was completely blindsided by it. The reason for my divorce is very personal, so I'm not going to get into it. Let's just say that there is no way the situation would have worked out.In answer to your inquiry about my career/education, I would like to point out that I graduated HS at age 15, and the university at age 20. I have a nursing degree. I have my own home, a brand-new SUV, and nice things. (READ: My home does not have wheels, but my car does!)My boyfriend apparently did NOT tell his parents about the children, or my divorce for that matter. It's not like these people are high-society...in fact, he was a bit intimidated by my family because he thought *they* were a higher class. (my family is made up of alot of doctors, engineers, lawyers, and businesspeople).No, I didn't get fat or ugly after having the children. I'm not going to post a link to a photo, lest I be accused of posting a fake (which I wouldn't do). For a mental picture...I am 5'9 120 lbs. That should settle your question about whether I am physically repulsive or not.And I do agree, I think he *is* using the weekends to cat around and find someone younger. I've taken the advice of my best girlfriend here...she told me to stop doing all the things I do for him, and see how long he sticks around. We are going on day 5 that he has avoided my house. Every excuse in the book! He's supposed to be here in 2 hours (with an excuse for already being an hour late). Betcha $10 he calls in with yet another lame excuse. Methinks he has a DATE tonight. Any more clarification needed?
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male
reader, Monk +, writes (1 December 2005):
Okay, 29 with 3 kids, that's better. So maybe you're not White trash. But damn, you sure did have a lot of kids early. So you're a suburban redneck. You should've worked on a career for a bit longer, just in case your dude runs off.
Anyway, I don't know too many guys that age who start talking marriage that early in a relationship. Something is amiss. And I hate to say it, but there are some questions about your judgment. After all, you married a guy who ditched you after 3 kids. You didn't see this coming after the first one?
Maybe it would help if you explained how and why you got divorced. I'm assuming that you didn't get fat and ugly. Or better yet, are the kids with you or the father? And did you or the bf tell the parents about your kids?
Come on, we need more information. Otherwise, you're just going to get the usual Dear Abby answer - like duh, dump the guy. Of course, we all know it's not that simple. So more info please. We need to figure out if you're nuts or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): I guess I failed to mention that I'm very well educated and am far from white trash. I'm the one that's 29. I was married for 7 years. And to clarify, he's the one that started talking about "serious" things. Having been through a divorce, I am a tad gunshy about getting back into something so serious.
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male
reader, Monk +, writes (30 November 2005):
Here's the problem. You're White trash (come on, 27 and 3 kids already?). At least that's how his family and friends see you. And are you sure that the two of you have "seriously talked about marriage"? What you interpret as marriage talk he may read as chit chat about a TV episode. And not many 29 year old guys with no kids are going to want to marry a divorced woman with 3 kids. At least not after 6 months into a relationship. I wonder if you were the one who initiated talk about marriage and he humored you so that he can have a place to stay and some lovin. I also doubt that he's not "mean or abusive." After all, you did point out that he "creates fights." So, which is it? Which leads me to suspect that you're deluded. The two of you met, got it on, and then you decided to get serious. Only problem is that he's not serious. And why should he be? He's not spending weekends without you alone. He's out looking for another girl and once he finds one, you'll be out of the picture. My advice is that you should start looking for unattached men with kids and make a Brady Bunch family. Meanwhile, enjoy the company and the sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): To the anonymous female who posted this letter. The answer I gave you here was meant for another reader. My gracious apologies, dear.
Hugs...Smiles,
Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): He's far from perfect. This man's life is in disarray and I'm sure you see it because you are living it. Having his ex gf lingering in the background, is preventing you from having a deep and lasting relationship with him. His involvement with this other woman is keeping you just where he wants you, meeting his needs but not getting ultimately close to you. Even among the most feeling-driven of people, common sense and clear thinking must evaluate what the heart wants. Take some time away from him and do an intelligent, step by step evaluation of what a future would be like with this man. Remember he cheated, on you and trust is the most crucial foundation of any relationship. When he cheated on you did you not have grave doubts about his character? That should've been a huge red flag, dear. He talks continuously about his love of this ex gf and the past, about his heartaches, his problems, his sorrows-all to the exclusion of everything else-including you. This guy doesn't know what he wants and he's not ready yet for a loving, mature, giving relationship. His emotional baggage is in the way. The only way to change this sad situation is for you to take matters in hand and realize this is an either/or situation. You look him straight in the eye and say, "dear, it's me or her?" It sounds like you want commitment, and a forever place, with this man. If he begins his, 'you are my best friend' speech, tell him you will be his beloved partner, his lover, his wife or whatever you and he will commit to but..you will bow out of being his 'friend'. He will either come running or disappear. If he does not commit, you will not have ultimately lost anything, for there wasn’t much there. You were being used. In your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him what you want from her. If he chooses her..then you walk away, resign never to see him again and start your new journey of healing your heart. In time your healing will be over and you start life anew. Moreover, you will end the months of emotional drain he has caused you and find someone you can really love and who will give you the most wonderful, sharing and giving love back. Take care my dear...my heart is with you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): I agree, it sounds like you're being used. Think about it for a minute. You live closer to his work, making his commute shorter. I assume you do things for him while he's there (like cooking, cleaning, etc). Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I know it's cliche, but it's the truth. This guy isn't ready for anything with you or anyone else. If he's that worried about what his family and friends will think of you, you're better off finding someone else. It seems to me that he is waiting for perfection. Sadly, he will never find it because it doesn't exist. If he's oblivious to the fact that his behaviour is wrong and hurtful, he is very immature. Leave this guy NOW and get on with your life.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 November 2005):
 Hummm it sure sounds like he's using you and just stringing you along. If he were even remotely thinking of marrying you don't you think he'd be upfront about your relationship to his family/friends/coworkers? Think about your kids and yourself and go out and find a guy that will be proud to take you anywhere (even on Saturdays to Mom's house).
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female
reader, KatieE +, writes (29 November 2005):
I would sit down and talk with him about him and his family. Apparently him and his family are having problems. If he is hiding your relationship he is not ready for marriage. If I were you I would stoop to his level once or twice, by ditching him at last minute or not being home until late or something when he is with you. Try different stuff just so you can talk about it. I am in a similar situation myself and I hate not having the support of his family. Good luck.
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