A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This past November my friend convinced me to join a dating website, knowing I didn't have enough time to find someone with so much to do for work and college. Soon after I got a message from a shy, quiet PhD student at a local Ivy League school. We spent a few hours talking and hit it off pretty quickly because that night he invited me out and drove the hour each way just to see me. We had a great night, getting pizza and going for a walk. After that, we started seeing each other regularly, anywhere from one to three nights in a week.I am his first girlfriend. He is 24 and I am 22. Around Valentine's Day, I started to develop serious feelings for this guy. I told him I thought I might love him, and it sent him into a literal panic attack. I'm one of those people that needs to talk out feelings, and I've noticed that he has a lot of anxiety and worries a lot about things when he really shouldn't. And maybe telling him that I love him was not the best idea, especially when I wasn't sure, but it is now July and we are still together - no "I love you" since... even if I feel it.I have yet to meet his family, his friends, or even his roommate. He's met my parents and sister once (on Valentine's Day when we got dressed up, suit for him and dress for me, and my mom wanted to see), and I can't get him to come over when they are around since then. We spend time at his place when his roommate is out of town, and if I hadn't moved to the town he lives in for an internship I took, I think we wouldn't ever get to snuggle up and giggle together in a bed instead of the back seat of his car.He tells me he really likes me and that I am beautiful and smart and funny. He also says how proud he is of me when good things happen for me. When we get a night together, he spends most of it holding me close and kissing me softly... things I love. But it has been around 8 months now, and I am sick of feeling like the secret girlfriend. I joke about it a lot because I don't know how to try to come out and tell him this again without him getting upset at me (The last time I started crying while asking him why I couldn't be as welcome in his life as he is in mine, and he felt horrible but just froze up and started to panic again. A couple days after his panic attacks, we spend time together like nothing happened).Sometimes I want to ask him to talk to a professional about this anxiety he has. Sometimes I just want to give him an ultimatum, but I am scared to death of him not choosing to fight because he often is the submissive one in the relationship. I love being around him and he almost always makes me so happy. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I approach my concerns with him? I have told a friend that I am giving him until our 1-year anniversary before I give him any sort of ultimatum, but I am so emotionally and physically invested in this... I don't know if I can wait that long and at the same time if I even have the guts to do it at all.So, what should I do?
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male
reader, evildrspock +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Sounds like both of you are very good for each other. He clearly has some issues he needs to work out with anxiety, and your relationship is the perfect way for him to grow.If you do love him by now, I would stand by him and support him with his struggle. Let him know you care about him, and let him feel "comfortable," like, your love and caring for him isn't in jeopardy because of this, it isn't at stake, but that it's really important for you to stop feeling like his secret girlfriend.Sounds like to me he may be worried about jeopardizing everything, which his overt anxiety could certainly do, given enough panic and stress it puts on you. I would seek to be as comforting, loving, and reassuring as possible when discussing this. I don't know, maybe even let him know you love him, and that his anxieties won't change that, although if he faces them it might make you happier.I dunno, maybe that helps? Good luck. :)
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