A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 16 and my boyfriend is also 16. He recently got a speeding ticket for going 89 in an 50. (I know, that's crazy, but he's a teenage boy, aren't they all? Lol) he has a court date set (which I believe is febuary 11) and Is scared they are going to take away his license. That's a big deal for any teenager, but my boyfriend has bad depression and anxiety. He also self harms, and when he gets urges to hurt himself or his depression gets bad he comes to my house so I can calm him down. I don't wanna "toot my own horn" as the saying goes, but I'm kinda the only thing that helps him. And in so scared if he gets his license taken away he might end up seriously hurting himself. My question is, is it likely he'll get his license taken away? And what can he do to make the chances of them being taken less? His parents might hire a lawyer to help, he's in the process of getting a job and he goes to school. We live in North Carolina if that's any help. This has been stressing us both out very badly so any help will be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2015):
 Here is the thing. When HE got his driver license he KNEW that speed limits are there for a reason (yes, I know MANY adults break them) but he made the CHOICE to speed, which means he made the choice to break the law.
When you BREAK the law, you have to TAKE responsibility for your actions. SO does your BF. MAYBE he really isn't ready to drive around in 4000 pounds of metal. Cars are build to be safe FOR THE drive and OCCUPANTS, NOT pedestrians, people on motor- and bi-cycles, animals and OTHER drivers. 4000 pounds can do a LOT of damage.
As for his anxiety, self harm and depression, is he getting HELP for that? Other then your support? IS he seeing a counselor/therapist? If not, MAYBE you should USE your influence on him to seek help. You can "toot" your horn all you want that you are able to calm him and make him feel better (that is good) but HE needs to deal with the REASONS WHY he cuts, the depression and so forth, HE needs MORE help then YOU can give.
HIM having depression and severe anxiety is NO EXCUSE for what he did. NOR do I think he REALLY should be behind the wheel if he is having all these issues. It's HARD enough for teenagers to be rational (hey, for any human) 24/7 but for someone trying to deal with those kind of issues too? EVEN harder.
I'm sorry, I have no magic want that can fix this.
All I can say, is BE thankful he didn't hurt someone (including himself).
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 January 2015):
 Do his parents know about your boyfriend's self-harming and depression?
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 Take it from me, you need to leave him. Having you around helps him avoid his problems - if you leave, he'll find another girl who will distract him from dealing with his issues. He needs professional help and needs to get himself the help. You staying with him isn't helping him.There is no excuse for 89 in a 50. None. Age is an excuse for naivety and inexperience, not dangerous driving. If he'd have been in a crash and the other person was paralysed, would it just be "teenage boy craziness"? No. What if, God forbid, he doesn't lose his license and does it again and he hits something and doesn't make it? Is it then that he was just doing "crazy teenage boy things"?With you excusing his behaviour, which you wouldn't do if he wasn't your boyfriend, you're telling him and others that you think it's okay for him to be so reckless and endanger himself and others. That's not good enough.I know you don't want to hear it, I didn't either when I was in a similar situation to you (minus the charges), but you can't fix him and you need to leave him, to be honest, take it from somebody who also knows his emotional state very well. He has to want to help himself and he won't while you're around as his girlfriend/friend/FWB. He needs to seek help for himself and not have you make excuses for his dangerous behaviour or telling him to get help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Calm down. If this is his first driving offense, and it is likely that he will have to pay an expensive fine for the ticket.
If he is driving with only a learner's permit, he is required to have a licensed driver in the vehicle. They could delay or suspend issuing his permanent license if he has been in trouble for other traffic violations.
However; never dismiss poor behavior and use age as the excuse. Driving is a huge responsibility, and you endanger lives when you make bad decisions.
Unless he has had several tickets for speeding, it isn't likely he will lose his license. His parents may limit his driving privileges. The judge will definitely place responsibility on his parents.
Why would he need a lawyer for a traffic violation, unless he has been in trouble before?
Some judges require a few hours of public-service, or driver's training. In any case, there is no need for him to be so upset. You and his parents will be there for him. A tough judge may take away his license if there has been an unusual number of accidents or fatalities involving teenage drivers in you area. If he can't be responsible, his license should be taken away. If he wants to hurt himself because of it, he should be hospitalized.
It's nice that you can calm him down, but I hope he is taking whatever medications his doctor has prescribed for him, and he is alerting his parents whenever he is having an episode. You are not a licensed healthcare-professional; and it is extremely dangerous for you to take on this responsibility without notifying his parents. You may not exactly know if he is reaching the point he may want to hurt himself or what degree of panic he's in. He comes to you to avoid being hospitalized or allowing his parents to make whatever decisions they deem necessary for his health. Teenagers don't always make the best decisions, and delays could be disastrous. I've seen far too many tragedies because of teens trying to take on responsibilities far over their heads. That's just my advice.
He has to face the music when he breaks the law.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (4 January 2015):
I'm not going to give you advice on how to lessen his punishment. He is a very inexperienced driver and he is putting the lives of innocent people at risk. I hope he does lose his license.
If you think that will depress him, just think what sitting in prison on vehicular manslaughter charges will do.
And you, sweetie. I hope you don't grow up to continue dating only damaged men. You can never fix them, and in trying to do so you will only lose yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Most teenage boys would be happy to have a licence and therefore not abuse the laws on the road. Its not like he abused them just a little bit but went a whole lot further.
Would you be helping him keep his licence if he had caused a serious accident, or knocked some small child down. What if it was your child? Would you be defending your boyfriend then? If you must help your boyfriend then take him to see a doctor as he sounds like he needs to see one, and if he loses his licence then tough he needs to live with the consequenses of what he has done. It could have been alot worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): As an emergency service worker, i attend scenes where speeding results in far worse endings than a ticket or lose of licence. As recently as yesterday i attended a young driver who whilst speeding, lost control on a bend and rolled the car. Im sorry but speed limits are there for a reason.
What about utilising public transport? Or you going to him? It could be good for him in the long run as it is a significant speed over the limit. Take comfort in that it could have ended much worse.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 Living in Australia makes it difficult for me to be able to advise if your boyfriend will or won't lose his licence.
It is quite possible of course that his parents will hire some smarmy lawyer to save him the horror of being without his licence for a period of time, I do understand your concern is that he might seriously hurt himself if he does lose it.
All I can say is thank God he was caught before he seriously hurt some innocent people who do follow the road rules and speed limits.
I hope he does lose his licence, he has quite clearly demonstrated he is not mature enough to hold one.
I also hope that part of his punishment will include attending a traffic accident where the results of a crash involving speeds includes scraping the road with a spade and removing the final residue with a high pressure hose.
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