A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We Dear Cupid:I have been in a relationship for two years. I am 42 and he is 50. He does not like to text nor be on the phone and we do not have hardly any communication during the day and we see mostly during the weekend as he only comes to my house if his projects are near my house. I feel that after two years I am ready to move together and build a new life, look for a home and start constructing a future but he doesn't. A major problem we have had is communication as he tends to dissapear if we have a small argument or if I say that I am feeling a certain way. This happened last Monday and it has been two days and he does not call. I told him it was hard for me to understand why he did not want to move in with me and that is was painful to think that he has lived with three other partners but not with me. During the conversation he told me that he could find more women like me and that I had to decide what I wanted and he repeated to me several times which was really painful, and when trying to make him see how painful it was he said he did not have time to speak with me and before hearing more painful words I told him I did not have anything else to say to him and hanged up the phone. Since then he hasn't called at all and I feel it is a vicious cycle. We have tickets purchased to go and see my family overseas and I have no idea on what to do. I feel confused as I feel we have a great relationship when we are together but I want to live together and not be alone during the week and he doesn't. I am confused about how terrible he makes me feel when he disappears with me and everyone keeps saying man don't like to talk but it is the only way I know to fix issues or problem. Please advise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): You had me at “he could find more women like me.” Drop the guy immediately!To his credit, he’s a frightfully honest, he is literally telling you how he feels about you, so really there is NOTHING to analyze. It is clear: you are not important to him. So all I’m left wondering is, why can’t you drop him? Are you feeling like you can’t find someone else because you’re getting older? (I don’t know, that’s one reason I came up with, only you would know). Think about that part so you can do yourself a favor, give yourself the respect you deserve, so you can cut such awful people out of your life. The sooner the better and faster you can heal. You deserve better than this, you deserve better from YOU.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2019):
 If ANYONE I was dating EVER said that I was easily replaceable, I would wish them well and end it.
That is not something anyone should hold over a partner's head to get them to shut about topics they do not wish to discuss.
Now I GET if you CONSTANTLY bring up the " I WANT to live together", that is gets old and he HAS told you that he DOESN'T want a live-in GF, just a GF. He wants his OWN space and a woman to date. My guess is he might have felt that it was a MISTAKE to live with previous GF's in the past and he really doesn't want to repeat THAT mistake.
Personally, I'd CANCEL his ticket (if HE paid for it I would return that money) and simply go visit family on my own.
And I would wish him well. He doesn't HAVE to same goals for the relationship as you do. You want to live together and possibly marry... HE DOESN'T.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 But this guy IS talking. The problem is, YOU are not LISTENING.
He has told you several times, very plainly, that he has no desire to move in with you and that he can easily replace you. Why are you still convinced you can make him change his mind or that you are special to him?
If he only comes to see you when it is convenient for him, I wouldn't mind betting he has other women in other areas who he also visits when it's convenient. The silences are probably quite convenient when he is with someone else.
It doesn't matter how good YOU think the relationship is (doesn't sound that good to me but then you obviously know more than what little you have shared here), you view the relationship differently. For him it is a convenient hook-up when he is in the area, while you want something more serious.
Start listening to what he tells you. It sounds like he is being honest with you. Stop ignoring what you don't want to hear. His silences are the the problem here; your denial of what he is saying is the bigger issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Your post is the second one regarding a man who doesn't want to move-in together. Yours has an added element. He's in his 50's, and likely to have been married before. He's probably far too used to being an independent-guy; who likes to come and go as he pleases.
You described a domestic situation similar to marriage. Living together and starting a future. You want to spend more time together; but you don't seem to be getting the hint. He wants a girlfriend, but as I explained to another Op; he doesn't want a live-in girlfriend who resembles a wife. The more effort you make to bring your relationship closer, the more distant he gets. Don't you see the pattern?
He has set the terms of the relationship, and moving-in doesn't seem to be on his agenda. You've tried discussing it with him, and he avoids the conversation; because the answer is obviously, NO!
He doesn't want a live-in girlfriend, and/or he doesn't want that kind of serious commitment. As far as he is concerned, you're just dating. It is probable you also want to get married at some point. He's not going to encourage you in that direction. By any means!
Are you a naturalized-citizen, or on visa? He may be concerned about your immigration-status and how that could become an issue. it could be he isn't taking the relationship as seriously as you want him to.
It was most insulting and disrespectful for him to say something such as "he can find more women like you." That's pretty much an indication it has something to do with your nationality and immigration status. He's cautious about moving women in, if he had a series of failures in the past anyway.
I speculate that the relationship you have is as far as it goes. If you stay with it, he has pretty much told you that's at your own option. He will find somebody else; if the situation doesn't suit you as it is.
I think you deserve better than that. Don't you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): If you're in a relationship where one partner will not talk or hides out when a problem arises, I don't possibly see how this relationship will last. "Men don't like to talk" is no excuse for dodging problems that arise. Discussing disagreements is the first step to solving those problems.I see a few red flags here that would put me off this man. His refusal to discuss and/or hide from you when you voice your concerns is one. Another is his comment to you that he "can find more women like you". How often does he make deliberately hurtful comments like that during arguments? The last one is that he has lived with three other partners. That seems to indicate that he is not able to make a long lasting commitment. Personally, I would not consider moving in with this man or plan on building a future with him. I think you should re-evaluate what kind of stable partnership you could realistically have with him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 January 2019):
 I think the fact that he doesn't want to talk means he does not want to live with you, or anyone else, after experiences with his exes not working out. There is no discussion about this. Two years ago, did you have an agreement that long term is what you want? Or did he change his tone, then bait and switch? I am not sure what he meant by he could look for women like you. There certainly are women who just want companionships on a blue moon and travel buddies, but a lot of women want a real connection and marriage. He would be in the wrong if he fooled you and strung you along.
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