A
female
age
36-40,
*adylike26
writes:Hi Everyone,I would love some help right now please. I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we have always been happy, things are almost perfect. When we argue, it is all about the weed. When we started going out he only smoked weed at the weekend and 2 months later every day, doing a grotty shotty which I find disgusting. He promised me 5 times before christmas he would stop it, BUT NO, he hasnt even tried it for a day. Now he even smoked it before work sometimes in the morning. 2 days ago we had amassive argument that I can see him changing, he is snappy, he is kind of more distant now and has tantrums over stupid things. He knows I dont like it, he knows I dont want weed in my life and I dont know what to do.Otherwise, he does look after me, care about me, cooks me dinner when I finish work late, etc, sex is amazgin (even though we havent has any for a week now) , but normally we do everyday. Now, for some reason, he is more serious and I dont know if it is because of my mood due to his weed or why? He meant to book a hypnotherapy 2 weeks ago for his birthday, he even got money for it from his parents and still nothing happened. I am fed up with his talking of bullshit and promises. Should I just give him an ultimatum sayong if he doesnt stop I leave or will it makes things worse. At the moment he is giving me an ultimatum which he said 2 days ago, that if I dont like it, then leave. it shockled me and i am so disappointed. He never talked to me like that before. And all this for that stupid weed. What should I do? Should I end this otherwise fun, happy relationship? Thank you for all your answers.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Chigirl you know I love you and I agree with your posts.
you said a few things I want to address:
"It does impact his home and his life. It impacts his relationship with his girlfriend. His drug (ab)use has gotten to the point where he can't keep his relationship."
it's gotten to the point where he can't keep THIS relationship. Because yes he CHOOSES to smoke daily and SHE does not like that. The person who is ending the relationship is the OP not the boyfriend. He's made his choice and she has to make hers. TO blame the END of the relationship on his choice to smoke daily is not reasonable if it's HER problem with his daily use.
Yes he probably lied that he was not a daily user and for that I fault him. He needed to be honest and forthright about his daily use. I guess like many he figured he could snare her and once she was "in love" the truth would not matter. This applies to drugs, cheating, lies, porn or anything else in contention in a relationship. It's very hard to walk away from someone you love when there is only SOME things wrong with the relationship and you think you can fix them. We make choices to say with people all the time. Does not mean the choice to say is right or wrong. I fault the person who lied about things to snare someone with deceit. I fault the person who stays despite the adamant stance that "I do not tolerate this" with self-deceit because they DO tolerate it, they just don't like it and while they WANT it to change, they would rather put up with it than be alone.
" Illegal drugs are expensive."
yeah and once it's legal it will double in price with regulatory fees and taxes etc...
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 "I don't get your point there Chigirl, if a person drinks tea every day are they caffeine addicts?"
Depends on the tea and the level of caffeine, but yes. Caffeine is addictive.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (9 April 2013):
Alcohol and other drugs are addictive.. Like cigarettes. When you introduce your body to an addictive drug.. and then you take these drugs every day, your body becomes addicted. It's simple. Having a beer every day after work might be socially acceptable, but being socially acceptable does not mean that person isn't an alcoholic.
When a daily cup of coffee is capable of caffeine addiction.. Well, that is proof enough for me to say in most cases, and more often than not, when there is daily use there is addiction.
Smoking is also socially acceptable in most countries, yet smokers are addicted to their cigarettes. They are drug addicts. They don't roam the streets and beg for money. Drug addict is someone addicted to drugs. Being a drug addict does NOT mean you are a homeless person, or that you are filthy, or can't hold down a job etc.
People in this thread need to remind themselves that there is a big difference between "socially accepted" and "addiction". Alcoholism is seen as not socially acceptable where it has come to such a state that it obviously ruins the family. But tons of alcoholics hide their abuse well, and the families cover up for the damage that is done.
My step father was an alcoholic. He never went into rage, he never binged. But he had 2-3 beers every evening, and often a glass of cognac after that. He sat by himself, didn't disturb or bother anyone. But it DID have a massive impact on his and my mothers economy, and if he was at a place where he couldn't get his alcohol then he'd go nuts about it.
Yes, it was "socially accepted" by the masses, but he was an alcoholic. He didn't drink because he enjoyed it, although it was enjoyable too, of course. But the primary reason for drinking was that his body craved it. The recreational part was secondary.
I want to support the OP and tell you that people who defend daily intake of drugs are doing so because they feel under attack. As Cerberus for example, he's used drugs and perhaps even was addicted at some point. He is strong to have come out of such an addiction, as most people can not manage that. But he isn't proud of it, and wouldn't call it an addiction, hence the need to protect himself by saying daily use is recreational... It's all a form of self preservation. Perhaps because of the negative images people get in their heads when they hear the word "addict".
Then again, I've had periods where I would drink alcohol every day. Then stopped and gone weeks without. The real line between addiction and not addiction isn't how often you use it, but if you can go without. If there is daily use, he never goes without.
There's a line between letting people do as they please, and letting people rot. When you care about someone, you are brave and take a stance. This is not controlling, BUT the addicted person will feel it is controlling. Hence why you, OP, get these reactions. People feel under attack. When you take a stance on your boyfriends drug habits, they feel you also take a stance on THEIR drugs habits. But whatever they do is not the same, your relationship with your boyfriend, and his drug use, is best known by YOU, and you know whether this is okay or not FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
SoVeryConfused, I have to take you up on something here:
"Explain to me how it’s abused if it’s daily use and it does not impact on his profession, his home or the rest of his life."
It does impact his home and his life. It impacts his relationship with his girlfriend. His drug (ab)use has gotten to the point where he can't keep his relationship, because he chooses drugs over a real life person who cares for him. His drug use is, as far as we now, the ONLY reason his relationship will end. So yes, his drug use has impacted his home and his life. His drug use is the cause of several arguments, and might also be the cause of a break-up.
I'm not judging those who use drugs. Drugs come in many forms and manners, and people have different levels of tolerance. To some people, one thing isn't a problem, to others it will be a problem. I am thinking the OP probably enjoys a night out with drinks herself, perhaps she smokes cigarettes at parties. She doesn't judge the use of drugs, she was fine with him smoking on weekends.
But in this case, with a young man smoking every day, my personal experience is that he's going no where until he quits the smoking. He doesn't know his limits, he doesn't know when to stop, and he's already lied about his drug (ab)use, which is another sign of addiction. I doubt that he only used it on weekends. And at his age, he will be spending most if not all of his earnings on this daily use. That means it also has a heavy impact on his economy. Which will limit his future, as he wont have savings for a house, wont be able to pay off student debt etc. Illegal drugs are expensive.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
OP,
In your follow up you say your concern is the promises broken (even if he had the best of intentions would it have mattered if he had said “I’ll try but I can’t promise) and the lies.
I can understand your POV with this. I do not like lies. They are deal breakers for me.
He said to you that he could not “abuse” it ever. I don’t see how daily smoking is abuse if he’s holding down a job, running a home, paying his bills and being a contributing member of society. Daily use is not always abuse. He never said he wouldn’t smoke it every day did he? He just said he would not abuse it. Explain to me how it’s abused if it’s daily use and it does not impact on his profession, his home or the rest of his life.
I get that you feel lied to. I get that you think he’s being disingenuous. I don’t see it that way. And I’m sure you will say that it’s because I use daily.
You say that you can’t judge any alcoholics who 100% of the time ruin their families but that’s not true. Functional alcoholics are a pain in the ass but they don’t ruin the family. They work, they pay bills, they function. Yes they drink daily, but that doesn’t mean they ruin the family. Yes there are times my husband drinks more in one day than another and I do not wish to deal with his behavior when he’s had too much scotch, but to say that because he is an alcoholic ruins our family is a bit much.
You are more than entitled to your opinions on alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, caffeine or other drugs. You are entitled to express those opinions and to accept the consequences of those opinions. Expressing your opinions is not controlling. Saying “you must stop” is controlling. The better option is to say: “I do not wish to be with a daily user. I respect your choice to use daily, you need to respect my choice to leave.” And then make it so.
Asking about how to get him to stop, trying to find a way to make him not use, is the controlling part. THE ONLY OPTION YOU HAVE is to control YOUR OWN behavior. That means you don’t tolerate his use and you leave.
If a person has a glass of wine with dinner every night, how is that different from someone having a smoke every night when they get home? You say a glass of wine daily is not abuse but smoking daily is. Why the difference?
OP you said “I can try and dictate how much he smokes since we live together.” No you can’t. YOU can say he can’t smoke in your home that you share but you can’t dictate HOW much he smokes outside of your home. IF he takes his joint out on the porch, he’s not smoking IN YOUR HOME.
Your example of a person who drinks one glass of wine per night and over a short period of time escalates to a bottle per night is fair. Would you say something… sure you would. Can you make them stop. NO you can’t. If you can’t deal with it or choose not to, your only option is to leave.
Trying to find out why they are drinking that much is not controlling if you do it once or twice but to do it daily, to hammer at them daily about their alcohol consumption is not right nor fair.
If you got into a relationship with someone who was using just on the weekends and you were ok with that and they changed over a period of time and became a daily user, then yes THEY changed the rules and as a result YOU will LEAVE and that’s OK. THEY have to suffer the consequences of their choices and their behavior. The consequence of daily drug or alcohol abuse in your relationship is to END the relationship. There is really nothing else to say or do.
He’s using daily, you don’t like it…. Leave. The longer you stay while he uses daily, the more you tell him it’s ok to do so.
Your final question was “why not choose a girl who loves weed?” my question to you, ‘why not choose a man who does not smoke it?”
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reader, ladylike26 +, writes (9 April 2013):
ladylike26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus! I can clearly see every single point you made. I totally agree with some of them. Yes perhaps I should not put all those who smoke weed under one hat, I admit that. However, I 'd like to clarify that I do not think any less of my boyfriend just because of that. My main issue is the promises and lies he went through because of weed. Also Cerberus, at the beginnig, he was not smoking everyday, in fact he stated : he could not abuse 'it' ever. So it annoys me now,that that was probably not honest.Judging someone about something I have never experienced? If I follow that logic,then perhaps I cannot judge any alcoholics,who 100% of time ruin their families? You are saying I shouldn't judge them then because I have never been an alcoholic? I feel that you are easy to make judgement too. Being controlling is more serious than having arguments about weed with my BF. I am expressing my feeligs towards weed to him, is that controlling? I cannot remember writing that I have given him an ultimatum?! I have not done that, it just crossed my mind as I wrote first in my question.The examples you mentioned: having a glass of wine with dinner, or after taking the kids to bed, etc is not exactly the same. it is called drinking with moderation. Once you start abusing alcohol, weed, whatever else, that is when it becomes a problem,so how can you compare the two?When IT has the control over you and not you over it. And yes: drinking a lot, being an alcoholic, taking drugs exessively, yes, it is certainly for escaping from reality due to problems, depression, whatever the issue is. But having one glass or drinking with moderation, smoking weed rarely, suggests,that person is happy and dont need to be high or drunk to feel that happiness or just to feel good. ****Lastly, I don't think I have the right to stop him doing it. But I can try and dictate how much he smokes since we live together, we are in a relationship. So I do have some right to say in regards to that, as it has some effects on him, therefore on me.****So if at the beginning of your relationship with your GF, let's say she was drinking a glass of wine now and then, with dinner etc then 2 months later she went from 1-2 glass to a bottle every night, then perhaps have some at the first chance she gets, you wouldnt try to say something? Dont tell me you would not care. Would you be controlling by trying to find out why she is drinking that much, tell her how you feel, how does it affect your relationship?! And of course if she carries on and it changes things, surely leaving would cross your mind. But really, by telling her your feelings and concerns, would you call yourself controlling? I dont think so. Relationship takes two.by telling her you dont like this and you are worried about her and that she will be alcoholic etc you will not be controlling. And if she respects you , loves you then she might stop and think for a moment: Oh yes, I understand your concerns, I will think about it, or try to resolve it together or whatever the answer would be. So I dont know how can you call me controlling? I am never jealous, not nagging him either about weed every day, so..by telling him how i feel about this is nowhere near controlling. Youa re being judgemental by saying that. You ahev already put me into those stereotype hat too, just because I have a problem with weed and that most stoners (those, who abuse it day and night) do nothing and cannot keep up a job. yes your doctor friend had a joint when she finished her shift so what? was she smoking it all day? was she smoking it all weekend? I doubt it somehow. My BF was well aware of the fact that I hate it, from the beginning,so if he was addicted then (which I didnt know at the time) then why not choose a girl who loves weed? There would be no issues. So I guess all these questions have different sides.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
Marijuana is not addictive in the physical sense. It can be psychologically addictive. NOT all folks who smoke daily are stoners. Everyday use can be recreational.. Much like having a beer when you get home from work. I’ll defend “the weed” till I die. My state just announced that they are going to decriminalize it, and also are going to have medical marijuana. Every doctor I speak to says they have NO PROBLEM with their patients using it. My internist will probably be one of the first to write scrip for it once that’s in place. I am sure eventually it will be legal just like alcohol is in the USA. I also believe once it’s legal it will be regulated and taxed and our budget crisis will be over. Most of the adults I know that choose NOT to use it, do it due to random drug tests at work and the fact that it’s illegal now. According to Chigirl, I’m an addict. But the truth is, I don’t’ NEED it. I want it. It’s helps with ADHD, social anxiety, and chronic back pain. And for what it’s worth, I make decent money, I hold down a job that requires security clearance for the federal government, I pay all my bills on time, I am at work all the time, I have friends, family, a clean neat, orderly home and money in the bank. If anything, before I started daily use my life was way more disorganized and fragmented. Ladylike26, if you do not agree with marijuana use, then it’s incumbent on you to be with someone who has the same mindset as you. Just like men who view porn should NOT be with women that find porn abhorrent, folks who don’t agree with marijuana usage should not be with those that use. Same for alcohol or any other life choice.I agree with the posters that say you should end the relationship. But not because he smokes daily, but rather because you don’t agree with his daily use. If he drank daily and you didn’t agree with that I’d say the same thing. If he looked at porn and you didn’t agree with that, I’d also suggest you end the relationship.There are many men out there that are good men that don’t smoke weed daily. There are also many folks out there that are good people that do. Do not condem folks who smoke as a whole based on one or two personal experiences. (and I say this to the general population not just the OP)
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reader, MsSadie +, writes (9 April 2013):
 'If this won't change then i will leave but I am going to stand up for something I don't like.'Then leave now. He can fix his problems on his own. By staying in the relationship and stating that you plan to remain firm that he quit smoking, you do make yourself sound more like a controlling woman than a concerned girlfriend. And if not a controlling woman, then perhaps a very desperate one.Seriously, just leave. You're still relatively young, and there are plenty of guys in the pool who will better fit what you desire in a boyfriend. Is the problem that you're afraid of being single? Because I really don't know why else you would stay with someone who does something that you find reprehensible.And I don't say that with malice. I dated a full-blown crack and heroin addict. When we first got together he had been sober half a year, but he relapsed after a few months. It was a life-altering experience that completely threw everything in my life out of place and left me in a state of limbo for about a year after the relationship ended. The only reasons I stayed with him? I didn't want to be alone, and really thought I could save him.Now, obviously crack and heroin are WAY worse than marijuana. My personal opinion is that weed isn't that big of a deal, but after dating a druggie I wouldn't even want to be with someone who smokes pot daily. But that isn't the point. The point is that you have your standards and your beliefs, and he is outside of those standards and beliefs. You can't sit there and say you're standing up for sh*t if you remain in the relationship.For real, girl, walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): It makes you angry that people you judge for not smoking it then you call those who do pathetic, you say they choose weed over people and you say they must be unhappy?
You're the one being judgemental OP so yeah, I will defend against those judgements. Judgements of people who have never smoked it regularly, if at all. It makes you angry that he wouldn't give up his hobby for you? Something you knew he did from the beginning? It's not you who has the right to be angry here OP, it's not him making any kind of choice to do anything but continue the way he was when you first met him, you're the one trying to take this away from him.
He shouldn't have promised to stop, that was a lie, he's an idiot for that and shouldn't have but you shouldn't have lied to him by getting into a relationship with him when he does something you find so abhorrent.
I did it for ages and I don't anymore. But yeah, you'd rather judge us for something you have no direct experience of and tells us how wrong we are, how harmful it is and how unhappy and selfish we are? Funny that people will judge others when they know nothing about what they're talking about because they never experienced it. I don't listen to people who talk about driving when they've never driven either.
OP if people only take drugs because they're unhappy then I guess all those people drinking alcohol on Friday, Saturday nights are very depressed people. I guess that person who has a glass of wine at dinner or a two glasses when their kids have been put to bed are all unhappy too. Alcohol is a drug with a far more profound effect on the mind than weed People who think weed is any different or that it can't be enjoyed in the same way or in moderation are idiots. Coffee doesn't mess with the mind? Have fun talking to a person who loves coffee and hasn't had their morning one.
You see I have no problem with people who don't like weed, who don't want it in their lives etc. People are free to live how they want. I do have a problem with people who don't smoke it that don't give those who do the same respect, like you don't. You condemn him for it and you've even said he's been a pretty great boyfriend up until you started pressuring him about this, yet you blame his smoking for ruining things when it wasn't a problem for you at that start, that makes no sense.
You see, people who have never lived the lifestyle base all their opinions on misconceptions. That people who smoke weed sit around all day growing their hair playing video games in their mom's basement. I worked full time, all the time I smoked. It was when I was a stoner that I made the investments necessary to make my millions. I smoked it and my fiancée did throughout college when we didn't have assignments to do, I got my teaching degree, she got her PhD and her 6 figure consultancy job while being a person who smokes weed and she's a psychologist.
I know a doctor who smoked weed all through medical school who aced their exams and still the first thing she does when she's finished her shift at the hospital is have a vape to relax in the evening.
I don't defend the act of smoking, like any drug people can let it be harmful to them, but I will always defend against misconceived judgemental bullshit about it, people who will judge smokers negatively based solely on a stereotype when they themselves have never been there.
It's not just a case of incompatible beliefs here OP, it's a case of you very much being controlling, you like to say you're not but you are. Ultimatums, knowing from the start, implying he must be unhappy, implying he choosing weed over you, getting angry because he won't do what you say, emotionally blackmailing him by telling him he's choosing weed over a human. He's not, he's just choosing to remain who he was when you first got with him, choosing to keep doing a hobby that he enjoys and doesn't negatively impact his life. With all due respect OP, you're the thing that is negatively impacting his life, not the weed.
Now you can stick to your judgement about people who smoke, when you have no experience of doing so at all, you can listen to the others who buy into the stereotype too. Or you can open your mind to the possibility that not everyone who smokes it is lazy, degenerate or an addict. You even assume he needs it if he won't give it up for you, maybe he just doesn't think he should give up something he enjoys for someone who thinks he less of a person because of it. I would choose to smoke weed over a person who judges me for it every day of the week.
I didn't smoke it because I was unhappy, I smoked it because I was very happy and it made everything more shiny and fun.
I stopped smoking any time I had drama of negative crap in my life because smoking only makes that stuff more profound.
Live your life how you want OP, but don't expect everyone else to dance to your tune and I don't know where you get this idea that you have any kind of right to demand he stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): "now I'm a millionaire and the only reason I don't smoke anymore is because I'm teacher and I have a responsibility to be fresh minded in my job." Cerberus why would you work as a teacher if your a millionaire? " I've never really thought of marijuana as an addictive drug. For most people it's enjoyed like alcohol, as a purely recreational good-time activity." MsSadie alcohol is addictive hence all the alcoholics in this world. Yes weed and alcohol can be enjoyed as a recreactional activity but sadly both can lead to a lot of problems.
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reader, ladylike26 +, writes (9 April 2013):
ladylike26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers, you have all been very helpful. I agree that I should not have started going out with him even though he was just doing it at the weekend. That is why I feel lied to because he must have made a tremendous effort for 2 months to not do it every day. Well, actually, yesterday he announced that he is seeing a hypnotherapist today so I guess he is trying to make himself stop. he is an otherwise motivated, active person with a good job and a goal in his life. he is not a loser who smokes weed everyday, that's why this is a dilemma to me. Cerberus you sound just like him lol, defending the weed until you die. That's what makes me angry: when someone (in my boyfriend) can judge someone else who doesnt like weed, defend that stuff, over a human beig. I find it pathetic. And secondly, I don't think a fully happy person has a need for weed. It is a drug and why people take drugs? Certainly not because they are happy.I just hope he can fight this addiction. He has been smoking it for 7 years, so yes, I was naive to think he can just give it up.Oh and also he is never ever smokes right in front of me or in the house ( only straight out the window) so he is considerate in that way. He only made ma angry about this when he promised 5 times he will try to stop it and has not even tried then lied about it. So I told him, don't lie, dont make promises, just tell me whether you can do it or not. That was my point. I would like to say that i am not at all controlling Cerberus and I don't nag him 24/7. I am just being firm about what I believe in. If he has done it everyday when we started going out, I would not have started this, but since he started being over addictive, then yes, of course I am going to tell him I hate it and relationship is about compromising, especially when living together. If this won't change then i will leave but I am going to stand up for something I don't like. Thanks for all your answers, you have all said very helpful things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Normally I'd not bother about someone smoking a bit of weed recreationally, but someone who is smoking it every day, including before work, is taking it too far in my book. Just in the same way I'd say someone who drinks alcohol before work is taking it too far as well. I don't agree with the poster who said it's the same as drinking tea either - tea doesn't mess with your brain or impair your ability to do basic things like drive or operate machinery. Is your boyfriend driving to work? Unfortunately for you I think your boyfriend has already made his choice and is never going to quit for you. Not only does he not want to, he also knows you are going to put up with it because you have done already. If you really can't accept it, and I totally don't blame you for that I wouldn't either, then your only choice is to leave him. You never know, it might give him enough of a shock to quit if he realises he will actually lose you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Friend of mine smoked weed everyday for fifteen years. now he makes no sense. Texts me in the early hours with messages like "the lepricorn is dancing around my shoes while I watch the stars on my knees. Do you feel the lovin'?"
Ditch this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): In fact she stated quite clearly he's a pretty good boyfriend other than the weed issue. She said he works, for all you know his job could be a good one with good prospects. I wouldn't be so quick to cast down people who smoke weed regularly, I know tonnes who have gone on to do great things and still smoke it. Musicians, doctors, lawyers, cops lots of friends of mine do, I did for years and now I'm a millionaire and the only reason I don't smoke it anymore is because I'm teacher and I have a responsibility to be fresh minded in my job.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): I don't get your point there Chigirl, if a person drinks tea every day are they caffeine addicts? No, they're not. An addict is someone who can't stop. There's nothing in her question that says he can't, he may well just not want to. I wouldn't go about assuming he's some kind of crazed drug addict just because he chooses not to stop for her.
How is a person a loser with no future for smoking weed? You're making a hell of a lot of vicious assumptions about this guy for no reason at all.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
Btw, a person who takes drugs, in any form or substance, EVERY DAY, is an addict. Every day use is not recreational, it's a need because your body is addicted to it. If he wasn't addicted he'd not do it every day.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
"When we started going out he only smoked weed at the weekend and 2 months later every day, doing a grotty shotty which I find disgusting. "
I doubt this is true. I think he toned it down at the beginning as to not freak you out and scare you away. Why did you accept this from the beginning? Is drug abuse okay as long as it is only on the weekends? So, weekly drug abuse is fine with you? Never mind the brain damage and addiction, and the fact that he makes you a passive smoker too, that can have health effects on you?
You need to DUMP him and find a man who doesn't do drugs. There's no use trying to change a man, you know you can't, and you know he chooses drugs over you. You've told him you dislike this. He doesn't give a flying rats ass.
End the relationship. You don't have a future with a drug addict anyways. How could you introduce this man to family and have them take him seriously? How can you have children with a man who enjoys drugs? How can you have a good economy when he spends his income on his drug addiction? It's like dating an alcoholic, you know. Addicts think only about their addiction.
It's not your job to be his saving angel, and he doesn't want to be saved. Save yourself and leave before he drags you down with him. If he wants to be a loser with no future then let him. He is the one who chooses drugs over a happy relationship with you, keep that in mind.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (8 April 2013):
It seems pretty obvious that you are the one who put yourself in this situation. Your controlling behavior is pushing him away and I'm not surprised that he gave you an ultimatum.
You have the right to demand he quits smoking. But if he chooses not to you either need to accept it or leave him. You can nag him into submission, it just doesn't work that way. The mistake you made here was to stay with and expect too much from the wrong guy.
You act like he's choosing the weed over you but he's not doing it anymore than you are by telling him that you won't accept him if he smokes. I don't think he's choosing weed over you anyways, he's just not willing to let someone else dictate what is right or wrong for him to partake in and that's his choice.
I'd recommend leaving him. Sooner or later you need to learn the lesson that you need to FIND the person that's right for you, not MAKE the person that's right for you. Sometimes that means leaving someone you care about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): OP he could be getting annoyed because of the weed or he could be getting annoyed that you're giving him so much shit over it when you damn well knew he a smoker before you met him.
The only mistake I see here is him promising to stop and not doing that.
It's gas OP, I used to be a stoner for a couple of years, it didn't make me irritable, depressed or anything like that. I enjoyed the hell out of it. What did annoy the hell out of me and always has is people trying to tell me what to do.
Fortunately for me the women I dated in that time knew I smoked weed, didn't mind and never gave me shit about it.
"he knows I dont want weed in my life"
Then why did you date a guy who smokes it? You said he smoked it from the start, and now you want to dictate how much he smokes?
I don't want heroin in my life OP, I'm hardly going to go date a person who only shoots up on the weekend because I don't like heroin, don't want it anywhere near me. What did you do? You decided to date a smoker.
I think you're missing out on the whole point here OP, firstly you talk about giving him an ultimatum, essentially blackmailing him in to stopping. But guess what he's already given you the answer to the ultimatum when he said if you don't like it then leave.
You don't want weed in your life, he doesn't want a person giving him shit about weed in his life when she knew he smoked it from the start, so there's only one way this will go. It's time to end it and for the record your ultimatum is not going to work. It'll just make him much happier to be rid of you.
OP no one wants to be with a woman who thinks you're broken, who wants fix you because she thinks you're shit and wants you to live your life according to her rules.
Next guy you date, date a guy who doesn't do things you don't like and one who you don't want to pester and nag 24/7.
Blame the weed all you like OP but you knew he smoked it, it was your choice to get into this. You were very naive to think you could have any say in how he smokes it.
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reader, MsSadie +, writes (8 April 2013):
I agree with him. If you don't like it, your best move is to leave.
Maybe he has an addiction. I've never really thought of marijuana as an addictive drug. For most people it's enjoyed like alcohol, as a purely recreational good-time activity. But I suppose that there are a small number of people who can abuse it. If that's the case, then you still ought to leave the relationship. You haven't been together long enough for you to try to "save" him.
Is everything else okay in his life?
Honestly, I don't think the motivation is all that important here. What matters is that it's clear this is a big enough issue in your relationship that your inability to see eye-to-eye makes the two of you incompatible.
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