A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to cheat if your sexlife with your partner is zero? My partner is 43 and I 37. He doesn't have a high sex drive and over the past 6 months we have only been intimate twice. When we are intimate he completely focuses on himself and usually only last about 45 secs. I have become disappointed and now can't be bothered so just turn my back at night and forget about sex. Trouble is I do have a sex drive. We aren't a very close couple and don't talk about our feelings. It's becoming like a we are more room mates than partners. I get embarrassed if we see any nudity on tv and he too. I fairly certain his problem is erectile dysfunction and I have tried to mention it and he just puts it down to his age. He says he's not bothered about sex and prefers food. We rarly share a bed anymore and I feel we are only together for our kids. I have a toy which he doesn't know I have, but I miss the feeling of being wanted etc. he won't ever change and I have to accept my life with him the way it is. But if it was him who wanted sex and I wouldn't put out how long could he go on without it. Just lately I've been thinking about a FWB. Is it so wrong. I am against cheating but I'm not after a relationship?
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roommate, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 NO cheating is never ok.
and the truth is K_C100 has it nailed... your complaints are valid... they are not about orgasms or sex... you have a toy.
you want a partner not just a warm body in the bed.
a lover (not sexual but the emotions and the stuff that goes with those emotions)
I too think if you got an FWB you would end up leaving your current partner if the FWB fell in love and said come to me....
never stay in a bad relationship for the children.... that's not good for you or them.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Glad u came on here. This is a big problem. Seems to me theres more problems than just sex n perhaps if those were fixed sex would b more frequent n better. If u feel this is the end then end it n explain why.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 It is never OK to cheat.
If your needs are not being met, talk to your partner about how serious this is for you, and see if you can work something out.
Maybe you may want to explore using sex toys together, or try some form of non-monogamy. Talk it out.
Cheating may seem like a good idea at the beginning, but the broken trust and hurt feelings rarely if ever tend to be worth it.
With that said, here are some links to articles I wrote about using sex toys and couples transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy.
http://www.franktalks.com/franktalkstransmonogamyarticle.pdf
http://www.franktalks.com/franktalkssextoysarticle.pdf
Usually, cheating is a sign of deeper challenges in a relationship, and THAT is what you need to be working on.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 April 2013):
 I think you are actually looking for a relationship, you are just hiding behind the sex issue and not dealing with the other problems.
Look at your own post:
"We aren't a very close couple and don't talk about our feelings"
"we are more room mates than partners"
"We rarly share a bed anymore and I feel we are only together for our kids"
"I miss the feeling of being wanted"
You are clearly missing a good, loving and intimate relationship, so if you started a FWB with someone you would soon get attached to them because of the feelings they are stirring up inside you again, and you will be in a whole new mess.
If you had come onto this site, told us that you had a wonderful happy relationship with a great man who you love, but he has ED and there is nothing that can be done about it, and you had spoken about the issue and he would be ok with you having sex with someone else - then my answer might be different.
However there sounds like there are far bigger problems than just a lack of sex here, it sounds like the entire relationship has fallen apart and you are only with him for the kids.
You either need to get couples counselling and figure out why your relationship has fallen apart, or leave him. I can promise you now if you started a FWB then you would find yourself falling for that person because they would be giving you the attention you have missed, then you would soon have the problem that you are in love with a man but living with a man you feel you cant leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): There are never any excuses, justifications or blame to making cheating on your partner acceptable.What you and your husband need to do is to start communicating. If you cannot do that on your own, I highly suggest you head to marriage counseling. Neither of you are expressing your feelings, needs or wants, you are accepting your marriage as is, yet you are very unhappy in it. Going out and finding someone to have sex with is NOT going to solve the bigger problems the two of you are having, it's not a good way to set an example of morals and values for your children (they will find out when it all blows up).Sounds like the two of you are a bit on the immature side when it comes to dealing with common challenges in marriage. You have a huge elephant in the middle of the room, yet nobody is going to speak up and say something about it? Find someone to help you speak up, seriously.Think about why you got married, think about who you and him were and who you are now. Marriages grow and they have growing pains, but if you love your partner you will both engage and figure out how to get that spark back and bring you together again as a couple. It all starts with talking to each other.A man dealing with the possibility of ED is not an easy pill to swallow at first. Provide him with information so he can understand better what's involved and he can understand it is nothing to be embarrassed about and it's a lot more common than he realizes. This is a great link and the two of you should read it together. http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/guide/erectile-dysfunction-overview-factsPlease do not take the easy way out and cheat. If it does turn out your marriage is over and you are ready to end it, then do that first. Don't make it worse by cheating.
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