A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I have been with my boyfriend for seven months after 'seeing' each other for a while beforehand. I really enjoy being with him and while it is soon, there are definitely feelings of love beginning to blossom. We have a very deep connection and a loving bond.However, pretty soon he'll be going on his year abroad to study and I am beginning to have serious worries and doubts because of this. The place that he'll be in for half of this year has almost no signal or internet connection which will make communication very difficult if not impossible. These worries are beginning to leak into our relationship but he does not seem phased by it at all, making discussion very difficult.I have problems with anxiety and have been diagnosed with bouts of depression (mostly brought on by a close family bereavement) and so as I'm sure you can tell these worries have really done a number on me! While thinking of the past makes me very sad for the good times, the thought of the future absolutely terrifies me, leaving my present a very frightening and lonely place to be.I am at a loss at what to do - the thought of being left at home while my boyfriend is away for a year absolutely terrifies me to the point that I have contemplated suggesting that we break up when he does leave. I have broken up with partners before and I absolutely hate doing so as hurting others makes me resent myself. Due to my bereavement I really do feel as though I have had my share of pain and I do not want to create any more!While all of these thoughts are very scary, I do know that after the initial grief of separation passes, I will be OK in the end, as time heals almost everything. What I am looking for is advice and experience from others - anything will help! Should I break up with him? I just feel as though the year apart would do a lot more harm than good for the both of us. I'd also like to thank you for reading and for your patience.Love,Confused Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts and experience on this. Many of your responses helped to calm me and make me take a step back; this isn't the end of the world, I am 19 after all.
WiseOwlE, thank you for your post, I can't describe how useful and comforting to know that I have not been the first to be in this sort of situation and that it does at some point end.
As there is no definitive answer to this question I would still like to encourage people to offer their advice and experiences - every little helps!
Thank you for the love and support I have received thus far!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): I have a very close friend who also suffers from an anxiety disorder, and he is on meds and therapy.His anxieties are well-managed, he is successful at his job, and a happy and functioning individual. Two years ago, his partner laid it on him that he had received a scholarship, and he was traveling abroad to study art in France.This comes after my friend charged a vacation for two to the Virgin Islands on his credit card, and purchased a new condo. My friend paid for all the expenses during their vacation; because his boyfriend is an art student, and his parents only pay for his college tuition and expenses.Several friends and I myself suggested that he slow down; because he has only been with this guy a short while, and we knew if something happened; it could trigger an episode ending in depression. I'm older and knew the possibility of them separating was possible, because the guy frequently spoke of traveling and studying art in Europe. So I warned my friend that he should wait before closing on the condo, and get his credit card debt down a bit. I also asked him to take it slow to get to know the guy better. Things were moving too fast.Well, the guy didn't tell my friend he was leaving until two weeks before he was scheduled to leave the country.His excuse was he was afraid he'd upset him. Duh!!!My friend panicked and called several of us over to discuss the issue.I suggested that he put the relationship on hold, or end it.I felt a long-distance relationship would be too much of a strain on him. I think his job stress, financial obligations, and a LDR would be more than he could handle.He decided on the LDR, and I was out-voted by his younger peers who felt Skype, IM, and texting was all he needed to maintain his relationship. I backed off and just made sure the phone would be close by in the event of a crisis.There months into the LDR, I get a call. My friend has called his crisis counselor prior to talking to me. His boyfriend hadn't answered his text messages or calls for the past two weeks. I calmed him down as best I could. He asked me what would I do. I told him I would stop trying to reach him and leave him alone. I suggested he take his medication, go to the gym, and concentrate on work and hang out with us.I also suggested he stay in contact with his crisis counselor and give progress reports. I called him everyday to check on him. Teased and joked with him to keep him laughing and upbeat. He was a mess for a while.He sent a lengthy e-mail to his boyfriend. He told him that he thought they should just take a break and allow each to attend to their lives separately; and upon his return they would work things out.A month passes after this. He received a couple of Hi's and hello's. Sorry, I've been busy. TTYS! He got a few e-cards and silly joke messages. Nothing romantic or serious.My friend decided he'd take my advice, and he was emotionally prepared in the event the guy has bad news. He put himself in an emotional place where he could adjust to whatever came. He resigned himself to the fact a LDR was not for him. I applaud his decision. He is the sweetest guy you'd want to meet.He went about his life with the hope his boyfriend would return, but he was ready to accept his moving on. The guy called him before he returned to the States to tell my friend he had met someone else. My friend just wished him well. He took it like a champ and moved on. The guy kept calling and calling; until my friend blocked his calls.People still have lives when they go away. They need to have friends, they need affection, they get lonely, and homesick. They have to reach out for to someone for comfort while they are away from everyone they love; and their normal home environment. I never recommend long-distance relationships unless you are well established for years prior to the separation. Married people have to adjust to it. It's the hardest thing they'll ever do in their marriage.My friend later learned that the two weeks he didn't hear from his BF, his friend met someone on the plane leaving from New York. The guy was also a student, he has wealthy parents living in Manhattan. He was invited for a visit during a break at school. He didn't want to upset my friend. So he didn't tell him.Okay. The distance makes people make decisions without consulting the other partner. It makes it harder to cope with negative reactions to bad news. The loneliness is consuming, and long gaps in contact creates stress. Missing the person becomes unbearable; because images on screen are not really enough. You can't touch them.People claiming they can maintain LDR's that aren't married are full of malarkey. They hang on and the stress is unbelievable; and being separated is unbearable over time.If they aren't totally secure, wondering what their partner is doing becomes an obsession. Cheating becomes justified in the cheater's mind; because they are lonely and human.You'll never find out.People pretend they can handle LDR's, and suffer in silence; because it would mean it wasn't working.Married people take vows and have a legal agreement between them. Check the stats on divorce because of it.They vowed to be together until death; but distance can wear those vows down to a thread. Even they may not make it, if the separation lasts too long. How long can you wait? How long is too long? An hour, week, a year? If you did not have issues with anxiety and stress, I would still suggest that you not continue the relationship while your friend was away. Fate will bring you together if it's meant to be.I would recommend maintaining close contact, but carry on life as usual. It is up to either of you, if you want to date and see other people in the interim. That would be healthier for you.You both deserve companionship and to have fun. You're not a married couple, and you're way too young to be trying to hold out for each other knowing you're just a couple of kids. Your new relationship isn't strong enough to survive that much distance and lack of contact. You have to be realistic. He may as well be on the moon.He may not even feel the same when he returns anyway. I know how the feelings and interests of people in their teens can easily shift. I also know that teen romances are supercharged with hormones; and that they are still developing mentally and physically. So trying to imitate difficult adult relationships is fighting a losing battle. You're too young to have what it takes. People twice your age and older can't hack it.Let things slowly settle. Either it will hold together, or you will both go your separate ways. The stress of holding on could be more than letting go.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 June 2013):
 Yes.... break up with him... AND, stay in touch with one-another thorough the year that he is away.. AND, if there is any spark there, when he returns, you and he can decide, then, if you want to re-kindle things....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 "If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
"If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
"If you are at peace, your are living in the present.
"--Lao Tzu"
You are spending too much time imagining things in your mind and not enough time being grateful for what you have right here right now.
Look into mindfulness based stress reduction. I would also highly recommend a physical practice such as yoga or Tai Chi to ground you in your body in the present.
Basically, your busy mind is making up narratives about 'what if' and worrying about things that have already happened. It's a waste of your time but until you become aware that you are doing it, you are stuck in the little hamster wheel and just running the same old worries over and over again.
I highly recommend "The Power of Now" as a book for you or "Untethered Soul." There's more about them on my profile page.
Mindfulness. You are creating your own drama and don't realize it just yet. Start to observe yourself when you wind up in these thoughts. Just begin to become aware that you are doing that.
As for breaking up with him or not, why not just go with the flow for the time being and see how it goes. If you become aware of the mind sabotaging you, you may not need to break up at all.
Okay? Go for it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): William Blake captured my sentiments on the issue quite nicely in his poem EternityHe who binds to himself a joyDoes the winged life destroy;But he who kisses the joy as it fliesLives in eternity's sun rise. ~ William Blake~Basically, make the most of the moments you have now and then just be friends when he goes. If you are compatible, you will find your way to each other again.My bf had to go and study abroad indefinitely after we'd been together for a year. We broke up and stayed as friends but realised after a few months that we wanted to be together and to make it work long term, even if that means being apart for the next few years. We skype almost everyday, and visit each other regularly which has helped I must say. But I know other couples who've survived LDRs when they were on different continents for years before living their happy ever after together when it became feasible.Just take it one day at a time and do what feels right to you :-) Good luck hun xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 Lets put it this way:
"I just feel as though the year apart would do a lot more harm than good for the both of us. "
So, being with him wouldn't make you happy, it would make you miserable? If so, yes, break up with him.
I've been in long distance relationships and been HAPPY. Yes, distance sucks, but I was still happy to be in a relationship with someone I adored and loved and was happy to be theirs. That alone needs to be enough for you, in the times when you don't get to talk and see each other. It is draining, takes up some of your energy, but you do it happily because you can't bare the thought of being without them. Being without them is what would make you miserable.
So.. are you going to be miserable WITHOUT him? Or are you going to be miserable WITH him? The way you word yourself hints towards the latter. 7 months isn't that soon. I always knew I loved the ones I were with around 3 months in, some even sooner. It's not that hard to love, it just takes courage. If you think 7 months in is SOON to love someone, it sounds like you are holding yourself back out of fear. Perhaps, in the future, you should try to let go of this fear and let yourself fall head over heels, madly in love. Just roll with it and see where it takes you. After holding yourself back, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally there, you care for him, but don't love him. You will be miserable having to wait for him, and think you will be happier without having to wait, and find someone else instead. This says it all really. You think you can be happier with someone else... In that case, what are you doing with this guy? If he's not the one you're going to give your heart to 100% then don't waste his and your time, regardless of him going away for a year or not.
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