A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We are not at a financial state to have a baby. We have no money. We are both students. But the more I think about having an abortion, the harder it becomes. I already feel an emotional attachment to my baby, but my boyfriend doesn't understand this. We have been together for 2 years. What can I do? How can I talk to him about how much this means to me? Although it wasn't planned (I was on the pill), I feel like this happened for a reason. Please don't tell me "break up with him" because he is really trying to be supportive and has told me that this is ultimately my decision since it's my body. Please help!
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male
reader, alex74 +, writes (9 June 2013):
 Almost 5 years ago, a courageous young woman gave birth to my son. She was 16 at the time and had the maturity to make a selfless decision regarding her baby and decided on adoption. Today she is attending school at a university and pursuing her dreams. Meanwhile she is frequently updated with pictures and letters regarding her baby that she wanted the best for, but could not provide. There are so many loving couples that want to have a baby, but cannot.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): So let me get this straight. You want the baby, he does not.If you do what you want and have the baby, you will also be forcing upon him lifelong fatherhood which he has stated he doesn't want. You would be opting HIM into fatherhood and into financial support if you two break up. If he gets what he wants, you will resent him and the relationship will be irreparably damaged.I think the best thing is for you to have the baby because that is what YOU want for yourself, and it is your right to do so because it's your own body.HOWEVER, release your boyfriend from all responsibilities of fatherhood. Let him legally opt out of fatherhood, allow him to sign away his parental rights if he so chooses to. Don't insist he help take care of this baby that he never wanted since it was YOUR choice to have the baby.I think this is the fairest situation. It isn't morally right for him to force you to have an abortion when you want the baby. But it isn't morally right for you to force him into fatherhood when he has stated he does not want that and there is the option for you to release him from legal obligations to you and this child that only you want.it's tricky because it takes 2 to create a baby and it could have been an honest accident. But, social pressure and societal norms state that if only one of those people wants to keep the baby, they have to drag the other unwilling person into their lifelong endeavor. this isn't fair, in my opinion, anymore than it is fair for the unwilling person to force an abortion on the one who wants to keep the baby. I think the fairest is to each do what you want. You want the baby, so go ahead and have the baby and keep it. He doesn't want the baby, so you should free him from all legal obligations towards the baby. I know there are people who say "he helped make the baby so if you want to keep it then he is morally obligated to be a father or at least pay child support." I dont' see it this way, because there was a fork in the road: you could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy as he wished, but you chose not to. Similarly, since you made your own choice for yourself, then allow him to live his life without forcing your choice on him.of course I would hope that he would WANT to be a father to this baby, or at least to pay child support. But I am saying that just as it isn't morally right for him to force you to have an abortion, it isn't morally right for you to force him into buying into your choice.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 Perhaps if we think about it this way… you have an emotional attachment to your baby like a Mother has for her unborn child to protect it from harm. It’s instinctive as the body naturally changes with hormones. At first there’s either a shock (unplanned) or delightful reaction. But no matter what the circumstances are, the mind and body is set to protect.As in your case it’s really about the timing of this otherwise miraculous event; being that you’re both students. That of course brings to the forefront a reality check; the worrisome financial state, no money, rearing the child through College, a partners emotional and financial support etc. All these things give rise to thinking of alternative solutions – abortion, adoption, and Mothering.For me; each solution has its own heavy weight of consequences and burdens to consider; but only ONE solution has a reward attached and that is by – Mothering and nurturing your own child!?Given that by doing anything other than parenting would give you instant grieve, guilt, remorse and regret to overcome emotional scars… I for one look at it the same way as you; “…it happened for a reason” (sure this wasn’t planned) but since when is having a baby an offence to my/your health and society? I agree the timing is challenging at this stage to have a child… Yet there are those that do and don’t drop out of College who can later obtain their education. Who knows what you are destined for with or without this child at this stage and who knows what ‘your child’ will be destined for if it is born to live out its destiny with you as his/her Mother?Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): You seem to think that abortion is rare. It is not. Millions of women successfully negotiate the path to get an abortion and feel thoroughly relieved once the abortion has been performed. With no side affects whatsoever.The only issue in the US is the insane pressure that some busy bodies put on a woman who wants and abortion or does not want an abortion. In any case I think you are possibly too far gone to have an abortion based on what you have said and your inaction. Millions of women just make the booking, arrange the day for the abortion, take a day off and then return to finish their studies or go back to work the next day. The statistic prove how common abortion is. Especially in the US and Russia. If anything abortion is normal in the US but some would hope that you might think otherwise. The true facts that an abortion is held every minute all over the world.USAAbortions in the United StatesTotal number of abortions in the U.S. 1973-2011: 54.5 million+234 abortions per 1,000 live births (according to the Centers for Disease Control)Abortions per year: 1.2 millionAbortions per day: 3,288Abortions per hour: 1379 abortions every 4 minutes1 abortion every 26 secondsUnited KingdomIn 2011, for women resident in England and Wales: • The total number of abortions was 189,931, 0.2% more than in 2010 (189,574) and 7.7% more than in 2001 (176,364). • The age-standardised abortion rate was 17.5 per 1,000 resident women aged 15-44, the same as in 2010, but 2.3% higher than in 2001 (17.1) and more than double the rate of 8.0 recorded in 1970. • The abortion rate was highest at 33 per 1,000 for women aged 20, the same as in 2010 and in 2001. • The under-16 abortion rate was 3.4 per 1,000 women and the under-18 rate was 15.0 per 1,000 women, both lower than in 2010 (3.9 and 16.5 per 1,000 women respectively) and in the year 2001 (3.7 and 18.0 per 1,000 women respectively). • 96% of abortions were funded by the NHS. Over half (61%) took place in the independent sector under NHS contract, up from 59% in 2010 and 2% in 1981. • 91% of abortions were carried out at under 13 weeks gestation. 78% were at under 10 weeks compared to 77% in 2010 and 58% in 2001. • Medical abortions accounted for 47% of the total, up from 43% in 2010 and 13% in 2001. • 2,307 abortions (1%) were carried out under ground E (risk that the child would be born handicapped). RussiaUp to 2.5 million abortions conducted in Russia each yearMoscow, January 25, Interfax - Each year, 2-2.5 million women have abortions in Russia, said Igor Beloborodov, Director at the Institute of Demographic Studies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): As I finished high school and went off to college, there were a few girls from my hometown who had babies at your age. They dropped out of college and became full time mom's. They all ended up being single mom's too...the guy's didn't stick around for very long. As we got older I reconnected with most of my friend's from high school on facebook. While me and the majority of the people I knew led exciting lives, had fancy degrees, got to travel and date and explore and be young and have fun and get educated and lead rich and exciting lives, the handful of people who had babies right out of high school were just full time parents. And they are all still single. The world can be a cruel place. Having a baby out of wedlock at such a young age, no education, no money...it carries a stigma. And it is a predicament you do not want to be in, trust me. I think this is something best to consider when you are older. I think your boyfriend is right...I don't think the timing is right.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 June 2013):
 IF he "wants" you to have an abortion... and IF that is opposity your desires... THEN, it's clear that he doesn't give a damn about YOUR feelings in the matter... and you need to reconcile that your's - and only your - feelings are what matters.....
We guys think that being pregnant is similar to completing a model car... and, if you don't wish to complete the project, then you put it aside and it goes away....
It DON'T WORK THAT WAY WITH A BABY.....!!!!
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (6 June 2013):
Even as a guy I know that "unplanned" is not the same as "unloved" - though our situation was the third child as a very married (but far from well-to-do) couple.
Your unborn child is a person. There ARE alternatives to being "stuck" with an unwanted child, or being financially ruined. There ARE loving parents for your child; my brother-in-law and his wife have raised two adopted children. Get a friend - or perhaps a school counselor or or clergyman - to help you find the possibilities and make an informed choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Look into adoption, there is no reason to be selfish,
as another student, and a woman I understand why he would go for abortion. Neither of you are ready for this.
The pill is not 100%effective, hope this is a lesson for you two. If it does not work make im financially responsible, you know he HAS to pay on the US,
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Did you and your BF have any sort of previous agreement about what to do in this situation?
If you had previously told your BF that you would have an abortion, then you do owe him an abortion now. No two ways about it. Women have the right to their bodies but they also have the responsibility to be trustworthy human beings like everyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I would always recommend that if you want your baby or have any doubts about abortion, that you keep your baby. I had an abortion 2 years ago even though I did want my baby just because everyone told me it was the best option.
Abortion is not a decision you can reverse. And once someone has their child, no one ever wishes they'd had an abortion. My abortion ruined my life and I regret it every day.
I'd just say do what's right for you. This is your child and no one else's.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 "Although it wasn't planned (I was on the pill"
So you forgot to take your pill? Or you were on antibiotics and weren't aware they'd impact the effect of the pill?
You say it wasn't planned, and I believe that, just trying to avoid teenage girls thinking the pill is ineffective. The pill is safe, the only times it isn't is when you forget to take it.
Anyway, it is YOUR body, and eventually YOUR child. Yes, it's his child as well, but also yours. If he didn't want to get you pregnant he could have worn a condom in addition to you taking the pill. Or he could have helped you remember to take it each night (it can be hard to remember if distracted).
BUT, and abortion isn't a plan B emergency contraceptive. So you can't treat it like it is some easy plan B option like some guys tend to do... I know, I've had boyfriends who were very casual about it too, not understanding the effect is has on a womans body. I don't think they actually know what it means to have an abortion. Perhaps you should bring your boyfriend with you to the doctor and have it explained to him? The risks, the consequences, the procedure, the possible aftermath? Explain that you are already pregnant and the hormone levels that are changing, and will still be in your body even after an abortion? Having an abortion isn't like popping a zit... Yet so many guys have this mentality that it's a quick fix and girls should just up and do it.. I've had boyfriends tell me, when talking about what to do in case I'd get pregnant "You could just have an abortion then, right?" JUST have an abortion? Are you kidding me? Why don't you "just" amputate your legs too... sooo easy.
That was a diversion. But the point is, your boyfriend is clueless and it's because he'd a guy. He doesn't understand because he hasn't had to actually understand this (he's not a woman), and he hasn't gotten educated about it. Try to explain to him, but regardless, you know how you feel. There is no need to try and justify this to him. You need to do what is right for you.
And like so many have pointed out when it comes to this topic: you're not guaranteed that he will stay by your side. Has he asked you to marry him? Ultimately, you have to think about how YOU will deal with this, because he might leave you and the baby once born. Then you will be on your own with all the responsibility. The children end up being with their mom the majority of the time, in the cases where the parents split. So, highly likely, you would be the primary caretaker. You're the one who would have to put your life on hold, put your education on hold, put your career on hold etc. You are the one whose life will change most and whose body will change.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (6 June 2013):
You appear to understand the cost involved with having a child. Please don't do the abortion. You will regret it. I'm only saying this do to what you wrote. You need to be able to make a decision and wake up the next day and be ok with it.
Having a child is great....and hard. There is so much to consider, adoption, open adoption, are ones you could consider. Go and see a counselor. Take your boyfriend along and have an open and frank discussion.
Good Luck! I think you are going to make the right decision that is good for everyone involved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Your body, your choice. So woman up and tell him your decision and tell him an abortion is not happening so it's time he switched his focus onto preparing to be a father.
You have a lot of preparation to get through here OP. You need to know what kind of financial aid you can get, from whom, maybe one of you may have to work etc. All the things necessary with becoming a parent.
You show him how much it means to you by telling him straight up that you're having the child and the discussion is over.
He had his say when he came inside you. That's the last point in the process where we get a say in what happens. If he didn't want children he shouldn't have done that. The pill is not 100% effective, neither are condoms, so as a man he knew the risk he took and he accepted that.
You don't have to break up with him, I don't know anyone would advise that when all you have to do OP is be honest and tell him he's going to be a father.
Congratulations.
FYI: OP you don't need to be financially stable to raise a child, it's the ideal scenario of course but it's not a good reason to have an abortion if you actually want to have that baby. You'll manage, money doesn't make a good parent, time, patience, love and effort do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): Please look into adoption.
If you choose to keep the baby, you may be eligable to receive state aid for food and medical care.
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