A
female
age
36-40,
*piceboys
writes:Why does he want to see other people while he is away and should i agree to it?Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 3 years, and are really close and hardly ever argue. However he has gone to study for a year in Australia and I live in England, but is coming back at Christmas for 3 months. We really want to stay together, but he says the best way of doing this is to see other people. The thing is I don't want to see other people, and the fact that he wants me to agree to this makes me feel really insecure. I feel so resentful that the relationship has to be on his terms like this, as the options are stay together but see other people or break up completely. Breaking up is not an option becasue I love him so much. But the thought of him with other women makes me feel sick,why is he so happy to let me see other men. He says that it doesn't mean he loves me any less, it's just being realistic, but i just find it hurtful. How should i deal with this situation?Am i just being naive in thinking that it wont be that hard to stay loyal to each other?
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female
reader, spiceboys +, writes (31 July 2007):
spiceboys is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your responses, its really helpful getting others’ opinions.
Firstly I don’t think he is looking for an out, as he is so kind and loving when we are together. He often talks about “us” being together and making plans far into the future.
The way I think he has rationalised it is that if we put strict limits on each other and our relationship, over the course of a year one of us is bound to kiss another person or do something that will undermine our relationship in the future. Although he says he does not want to go out pulling girls it is just realistic that something might happen sooner or later. He says that by being open in this way, we are less likely to get hurt and our relationship won’t be jeopardised by us cheating. He says that it is the most obvious option and it is what most people would do if they were in our position at 21.
He clearly stated that it is only because we are not going to see each other properly for a year and that we are miles away from each other, and that he really wants us to be together when he comes back. Do you think I’m being unrealistic about being faithful for a whole year? He left two weeks ago but the issue is still unsettled. He still wants to talk to me everyday on the phone, but somehow the loving words that are usually so easy for me to say seem stifled with resentment and suspicion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Don't wait for him and make it perfectly clear, calmly, that you are in agreement and that you will be looking at seeing other people. Watch his reaction. I hate to be blunt but he may be looking for an 'out' with what he is saying - kind of letting you down gently. Either way - make it clear that what he has said upsets you and that you think more of the relationship than that but if that is the way he wants it then you will not be waiting for him on his return. I urge you to enlarge your circle of friends to include other males. This is going to be a tough life lesson for you - but you are not to be his lady in waiting or get 'used' in the process. At best he's being honest - at worst he's flippin arrogant!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (31 July 2007):
Hi there,
Where on earth did he get the idea that the best way to stay together is to see other people?! Of course it isn’t. It wouldn’t be best if you were both in the same town, and being on the other side of the world makes it no better, in fact probably worse. There is every chance that one or the other of you would meet someone else and fall in love. Even if you didn’t, jealousy would make it all very complicated.
I think he’s just saying that to justify what he wants to do, by making it sound like a reasonable suggestion. He has justified it all to himself in his own mind by deciding that as he is being open with you, rather than just cheating behind your back, that is fair. Of course it is fair on one level, because you know where you stand. But you can’t justify doing whatever you like merely by being open about it. He should be considering your feelings as well as his own if he loves you.
I wonder if he is really happy for you to see other men, or is he secretly confident that you won’t? He must be pretty sure of himself to expect you to still be there waiting for him when he comes back again. Is he so very sure that there is no man in the country that you might really fall for?
Well, you can tell that I sympathise with you completely, but that isn’t getting us anywhere is it? The thing is that he can do what he likes can’t he? Your question reads like he has already gone – did you agree to this, or was it left unsettled? If he left in any doubt about how strongly you feel, then put that right the next time you speak to or email him.
You say that finishing with him is out of the question, and maybe it is at the moment. I will be interested to hear if you still feel the same by the time he comes back, having had time to stew over this for months.
I think there is another point worth considering here. Is he planning to suddenly become faithful again on his return as if nothing had happened? I am concerned that if you allow him to play around as he chooses and then just come strolling back again, he will want to do it again. Why wouldn’t he, when he got away with it before?
Think about how much he has thought about your best interests and feelings in all this. Not a lot, I would say. It has all been about what he wants. If you want to wait for him despite all the unhappiness that he is causing you, then remember the deal – see other men. This doesn’t mean start leaping into bed with all and sundry – go on dates, flirt, have some fun. You have his permission. At the very least, it might make him a little less cock-sure of himself.
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