A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me (22) and my boyfriend (26) went on a trip that we didn´t plan. At first it seemed like a good idea because he was about to get some money for having quit his job, and someone was about to send him money that the person owed to me. I spent all my money in that trip. I had to use all my savings because he did just take 200 dolars that his mom gave him to the trip. He quit his job 6 months ago because he is lazy. I felt so angry because I had to make phone calls to borrow money and I even cried. He acted like he was sad that he couldn´t help me but still didn´t move to get any money or ask anyone for help. He just waits until I do everything because he knows I will. My mistake is that I acted like all the money was Ours when it was mine. Now I regret it because he was totally acting like He bought me this and that in front of my friends when it was my money from his wallet, he did not even cover his ticket. When in reality if the case is that I ask him for things I have to beg but when it is my own money he sais yes but still acts like it is his money.I just resent him so much because he is selfish. He told me just when we had no more time that he didn´t get the rest of the money from the bank. Because he knew I would pay for everything. And back at home he would have all his money intact. He always does this. Now he even took the money that I had in my purse, left me without a penny. Today I had to leave for school and I´m 1938 dollars in inmediate debt (have to pay for that this month) People calling me and have no money in the bank or even in my purse. He took it all. I told him where´s my money and he said he didn´t take it. I mean, he stole from me. I ask him to give me something and that I had to pay for a new id card because I lost it and he gave me 5 dollar coins and said: You pay me back ok. Super angry face. (And he took money back from the trip in his wallet.)I am so angry that he is acting like this, I just want to scream because he is abusive but we live together and I don´t know what to do I have no family or no one to help me, nowhere to go. It is really embarrasing that he is such a terrible boyfriend and such a loser. And the worst fact is that I let this all happen, I always want to be generous with my boyfriends, give them things, pay for the half of what we spend but I always get worst than nothing back, I get him being f*cking delusional and acting like it was his money he was spending on me and that I owe him. This situation is making me really anxious and depressed. Please give me your advice since I have no one to talk to or help.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (24 November 2018):
 Leave.
He’s a liar and a thief. What other reason do you need?
Some people will take advantage of your generosity like seen here. I like to pay for my GF to treat her but she also is happy to put her hand in her pocket and reciprocate. In my head I decided to pay for a few things when we first got together and see how she responded. If she became expectant of me to pay then I would of told her that’s not how it works, but she has the same mentality as me so there were no issues.
This guy is just leaching off you, don’t give to people who take advantage.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 November 2018):
 You need to find a safe way to leave him. Speak to friends of family who can help you stay safe while planning to leave and report him to the police if he stole things.If you are too generous with boyfriends, especially if they aren’t generous back, you will only attract guys who will use you for gifts and money. Don’t be super generous - it’s actions, not gifts and money, that are most important to good people.Even when in a relationship, you must NEVER put your partner above yourself financially. You must be able to pay for yourself and they must be able to pay for themselves, with the OCCASIONAL gift for each other - not regular gifts or money.As has been said: contact a women’s support charity or trusted family/friends who can help you safely leave this thieving boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): It's a very sad fact that the world is increasingly full of people who take advantage of other people's kindness and generosity. If you are a naturally generous and giving person, who is also young and vulnerable (in the sense of not having family support or any other support system) then it can feel so painful to learn that the old idea that "if you give to others they will repay you and your kindness will come back to you" is simply not true - you want others to be like you and trust that they will be, but this is simply not the case.This 'man', this liar, thief, manipulator and abusor is someone you have effectively invited into your life to abuse you, by being kind and giving. It's probably the hardest lesson you will have to learn, but you have to take responsibility for how YOU have behaved in this. I am not blaming you. But I am saying until YOU change then his behaviour will only get worse. He simply sounds like scum. He is emotionally and mentally torturing you by 'gas lighting' - in other words, convincing everyone around you and trying to convince you too, that things did not happen the way that you remember them. The stealing is bad enough, but this mental abuse is absolutely unforgiveable. You MUST realise that YOU keep enabling this behaviour by staying and letting him take from you over and over again. Forgive yourself for being naive and letting him into your life, but be strong and brave enough to say "enough is enough" and find a way to leave.If you have no family / no family support, it may well be that you feel very vulnerable and alone. Very often it is people in extreme positions of vulnerability who actually give more - this horrible person has an instinct for seeking out women in very weak, vulnerable positions, but who (paradoxically) seem very strong; in other words women who are coping really well with life by going to work, or going to school, or both, who have a good attitude to life and are planning things for the future, but who have inner weaknesses, usually due to lack of family support or some tragic event that makes them weak inside. Abusive men target women like this, by instinct, because they sense the women will be the strong one who they can take from, but that she will also be inwardly weak, so won't be able to escape.You MUST understand how this works and how you got into this situation, otherwise you will keep repeating it, if not with him, then with others. You can be kind and courteous to people without necessarily DOING things for them; learn to look for reciprocation right from the start - whether with friends, neighbours, partners - if people don't give back in some way, then you keep your distance but remain polite.On a practical level, if you become pregnant with this person as the father, you will basically be trapped forever. You MUST make a plan to get away from him and this will mean asking other people to help you. You MUST approach people in a position of authority, because they will have the best contacts to help you. I think your college / school will be your best place to start. Ask your teacher(s) who would be the best person to discuss an urgent personal issue with. If the teacher is willing to discuss it, then you discuss it with them, or they may suggest you see someone else in the college who has an advisory role. Very often, there are emergency funds available to help people in vulnerable situations. Other organisations should be informed. You can tell the police what your partner has done. You could approach a church / religious organisation. There will be women's support groups that can help you. You can tell your boss at work. Do NOT feel ashamed to tell people, but make sure you are safe and you MUST take responsibility for changing your actions towards men in future, other wise this will happen again.Don't delay; keep asking until you get help, but do it though official channels because they should offer you the most protection. I personally would get out of there immediately. Just leave. Just find a way to not go back to that place where he is. Without family support it will be harder, but not impossible. If you've been strong enough to tolerate this awful, unacceptable behaviour, then you can turn that strength into something that moves you forward and out of this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): Of course you can leave. You pay for everything now so nothing will change . In fact it will be better as you'll only be paying for you . You say your in school do you mean college. Does the college not do grants to aid students get housed . Can't you room with someone put up a card saying you'd be interested in sharing. Anything better than this .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): You say and I quote:" I always want to be generous with my boyfriends, give them things, pay for the half of what we spend". Well first you must stop doing this. The norm is if a guy askes you for a date then in esence he is inviting you out, be it an evening out for dinner or just a coffee, so if he is a gentleman he pays. My advise is make a secret plan to get away from this guy asap and start saving whatever you can in a safe place and keep only a small cash pocket money on you. If you are working surely you have a boss tell him your dilemma and ask for his help in the event of an emergency if you feel threatened by your bf. Keep a wistle in your purse like the ones football referees use and raise hell with it if you feel threatened by anyone. If the house where you are living with him is in your name then ask him to leave. If it is his then move out as soon as you can afford to rent a room. Also as aunty BimBim has advised turn to women organizations for help if you have them. Most important be firm with him,don't give in no matter how much he begs. This guy is a bum he will never reform and if he finds that he no longer can scrounge from you he will move to another cash cow. Don't be his cash cow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): This guy sounds like nothing but trouble. He is the one who should be embarrassed for being such a loser. It sounds like you started out giving him the benefit of the doubt because he is your boyfriend and you cared about him, then he took advantage of it and has backed you into a corner. If he was just having a rough few months, between jobs etc, and you’ve been together a long time, then lending him some money is reasonable (YOU have done nothing wrong). But he is scheming and lying about it. He knows exactly what he’s doing and has no intention of ever paying you back. You need to get away from him as quickly and safely as possible. Some universities/colleges have support services that will help you deal with situations like this. If not, maybe you could stay with a friend or something until you can save up money to fix your living situation.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 November 2018):
 Are there places that support women in Ecuador? Like a refuge or women's health centre, it sounds like your boyfriend is a thief and a liar, you need to find someplace else to live … before he realises you cannot give him anymore money and he goes to find the next "cash cow"
The situation is not going o get better, if you feel safe report the theft of money from your purse to the police. You cannot pay rent nor buy food let alone continue your studies while this thief has access to your purse.
If you cant get out right now you must be very secretive and plan your escape. Staying with him will be a very big mistake.
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