A
male
age
36-40,
*ufcdave86
writes:Hi, Thank you in advance for reading and hopefully giving me some advice. I will do a quick background on me, I'm Dave I'm 33, I have a son he lives with his mum but I have regular contact with. Right where to start, I have been in a new relationship for about 5 months. The first 2 months were brilliant. We were connecting we quickly feel in love, I met her children and family and everything was great. We then decided to tell our ex's of our new relationship because we both have kids. This is where it went all wrong for me. My ex went absolute crazy and has made our life's he'll. She thinks because my new partner has kids that I would forget about mine. She has been abusive to my partner, threatened her and hounded her. We went to the police about her and she retaliated and cut my access down. I have a court order for my son to have him every other weekend but for 4 years I have had him every weekend. Basically using my son as a weapon and making it hard for us. She was constantly sending messages to both of us and she was even getting her friends to do it too. My partner or should I say ex now said she loved me but can't cope with it anymore and she decided to leave me. It's really hard because we both love each other well she does but left me anyway. This only happened yesterday and I tried pleading with her not to leave as we both love each other but that didn't go down well. She said I had to stop and accept her decision. It's breaking my heart. I promised her I wouldn't message her again unless she messaged me. My problem is that I really want to so that maybe we could sort things out quickly. But then I think maybe she needs space and time but then I don't want her to think like I don't care. I know this sounds pathetic and at 33 years of age I should grow up and not let it affect me. The hardest thing is that she hasn't changed her Facebook status yet. It still says in a relationship with me. Is this because she hasn't had time to change it or that she doesn't want to hurt me or maybe she hasn't given up on us? Sorry for the long message, I know I sound weak and pathetic
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): Your ex has an axe to grind, and she's still holding-on to you through your child. If she can't be happy in-love, nor can you!
Introducing a new woman into your life sent her over the edge; and exposed the fact that she's expecting at some point there might be some kind of reconciliation. Crazy as it seems, she might be fantasizing that all is well; as long as you're not romantically-involved with anyone. It sits better with her ego; while keeping her rage and jealousy under control.
Announcing your new girlfriend is pretty in-your-face to your ex, and mother to your kid! Especially one who is wrought with jealousy, resentful, or hasn't moved-on.
She is emotionally-unstable, and scorned by the fact she was rejected; and not even your child is an effective means to hold onto you. She isn't going to change, she's going to get worse with time. The resentment has no limit. She has a lot of female sympathizers who also know you!
Matters like this requires lawyers and law-enforcement.
You can't make her behave; because she is acting purely out of emotion and irrationality. She doesn't care what she does; as long as she lashes out at you to make you feel her pain. She wants to destroy your life as she feels you have ruined hers. It's insanity, for sure; but a bit of your own karma. The dad always lives hands-free to get about like he has no responsibilities. The mum has a kid (kids) she has to sacrifice her own life and dreams, to preserve and protect theirs! Society, and everybody around her expects her to!
You don't just get women pregnant, pull-up your roots, pack your belongings; and go find yourself somebody else. Just guessing here, but she probably struggles financially. Finds it difficult getting dates, being a single-mum; while you're living life happily ever-after. Being a part-time dad, and publicizing your new girlfriend allover social media! For all her friends and family to see!!! She deserve some measure of pity. Some respect for her pride. She has feelings in spite of her very bad behavior. It's not justified by any means. You "should" suffer if only a little. Not celebrate your freedom so blatantly; until you've got your ducks in a row!
She has some modicum of pride! You can't just rub her nose in it. I feel much empathy for your heartbreak; but you don't fall that much in-love in a couple of months. You're more mature than that. We both know love needs time to be nurtured, defined, and established. Be real, you're all grown-up now. This is an adult-situation. Not a Hallmark moment!
The new woman, like myself, decided she wouldn't put-up with the madness. Very wise on her part! Avoid drama at all costs!!!
Sir, you don't have your past under control. Obviously, you left under very bad terms. You and your baby's mama never resolved the pain and emotional-issues being left in your wake; so you both could move-on smoothly. You never got counseling to learn how to be civil to each other; while co-parenting what you both cherish more than life itself. Your kid!
Your indifference (as perceived in her eyes) to a woman you left behind with a child; might also be a thorn in your side for many years. Some women just don't get past the scorn. Regardless of who decided to breakup with whom. It doesn't matter who's right, or who's wrong! Here she is, left struggling to raise a kid, maybe still single; while you're finding new-love. I hope you do have enough compassion in your soul to see this.
If she is as young as you are (or younger); don't expect very much good behavior out of her, when it comes to you finding other women. She's not worried you'll forget your son; unless there is evidence you could. She's seeing the end of any hope for herself! Unfortunately, as soon as some men find another woman; their child-support payments dry-up!
If she has had a history of battles with you about that, or anything else; she doesn't get the benefit of sharing her side with us! So she gets some human compassion from me.
You will have to find a way to get matters legally under control; because you can't control emotions. Although you can broker peace and build bridges.
She has to understand that you and she are over; and you both have to move on. If she continues to break the law by harassing people, she just might build you a good case in taking full-custody of your child. That is, if you want to be a single-dad. If you are that devoted to fatherhood.
There is little you can do to make her behave herself; unless she feels that behavior has consequences. Legal consequences, where not only could she end-up in jail; but lose custody of her child.
Acting crazy around your children isn't sanctioned or condoned by the police, child protection authorities, or any institution responsible for the health, safety, and security of children. The child is the most important factor in all of this ridiculous drama!
As for the matter regarding relationships status. The smart lady hasn't gotten around to changing her status on Facebook. It's probably an oversight; and it just might be a matter of time. Leave her alone, and go deal with your messy personal-life.
Lawyer-up!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2018):
 I agree that she really doesn't want to deal with your ex-s drama. I wouldn't either. I think she had the good sense to decide NOPE, not going to deal with this.
While I GET that it seems unfair and that is has nothing to do with you directly, it is what it is.
MY advice? Let her go. Stop checking her social media. an unchanged status may not mean anything more than she just haven't changed it yet.
As for your ex, YIKES. Get a hold of your solicitor and get visitations sorted and see if you can get LEGAL advice on how to handle the harassment (in the future because I presume she WILL pull that shit again). I would ALSO advice that you BLOCK/UNFRIEND your child's mother from you social media - SHE DOESN'T need access to it. And that you raise your security settings so random "friends" of hers can't see your social media and use that to harass people around you.
I CAN NOT stand women (and men) who USES their kids at a tool to hurt the other parent. It's just petty.
LEARN from this OP
DO NOT inform your ex of a new relationship, it's SIMPLY not any of her business if THIS is how she acts.
Meeting each other's kids 2 months in is WAY too soon. While everything feels great and"perfect" you really don't know the person as well as you think. Case in point... You latest ex had no idea your ex-ex would become abusive and vicious. She chose to rather walk away from a otherwise good relationship due to drama. You NEED to respect that it's OVER.
As for it affecting you, well... of course it does! You didn't expect this I presume, from either of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): It only happened yesterday, the last thing on her mind will be to change her Facebook status, it probably hasn't crossed her mind. Personally I think you both went public too quick and should have let it roll without declaring your feelings. Your ex has done what a lot do and used your child as a weapon. Can you firstly not return to court if this continues. Secondly can you not communicate with your ex and just say that there is no return for you both as a couple but you want very much to be amicable and for your son not to suffer (in your own words and put carefully) give her time to also digest things and accept it is now about your son...Your girlfriend may change her mind but less likely to if you hound her, if she loves you she will calm down and you can both try and find a way, all maybes though, she may have been completely put off and feels it affects her own family too much, time will tell.I have been in your exes situation and it didn't sit well with me another woman being on the scene, plus i don't know your history with her. Maybe she felt it was too soon for you to be bringing this other woman into the equation so soon...If you get back together, until the dust settles i think you will need to separate your son from your girlfriend but also be firm with your ex in a respectful way that this is about what is best for your son now and the relationship between you both is over. Best of luck
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