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writes: My boyriend told me he was going to a casino with two of his guyfriends tonight and that they were gonna sleep at a hotel. I called him a couple times tonight and he didn't answer. I sent him a text and he didn't answer, and now i after a couple hours i tried calling again and his cellphone was off. I'm starting to have really ba thoughts now. Do you think he is cheating or doing somethig I will ot be happy about and that's why he's not answering???
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 To whom ever sent me the following email, it would have been nice if you had left an account to reply to.
Title: your crazy!!! respect yourself honey
MSG: your husband is cheating on you like crazy!!! He must be so glad to have a wife like you. Who lets him cheat hahaha
Well since I cant PM you, hopefully you will be coming back to this post to read this.
Is my husband cheating on me like crazy? The answer is if he is he has already done it and that would mean he has betrayed my trust. As such I would be inclined to leave him. However he has never given me any indication he has ever cheated on me and is not someone I fully trust with, even with my life. To accuse him of cheating would be baseless and an unneccessary worry since I do.
Is he so glad to have me as his wife? I do hear that ever day from him so again I am inclined to beleive he means it because again I trust him. :)
Do I let him cheat on me? Now there is an idea. Can someone let someone cheat? No. Not really. He knows our boundries. He knows what I would consider cheating quite clearly and understands the risk of his own actions. What he will gain and what he will lose. I do not have to be his enforcer. If he truely respects "us" he will enforce himself. I dont have to do pointless policing when there is clear communication.
HonningKanin
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): honningkanin I don't agree with your advice. It is extremely wrong to let your husband do that. He is def cheating on you but you just want to believe he isn't. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (7 December 2009):
Um OP I have no issue letting my husband go to a strip club with his friends. I also had no issue letting my husband go on an all boys trip to Amsterdam knowing fully where their hotel was seated right in the red light district where he and I had been 4 months prior. Not an issue whats so ever.
He also was supposed to call me when he landed and he didn't call me until later then had been said he would. I personally put it down to him and his mates were having fun and he forgot. Not a big deal. Not something to worry about and not something I would cry over. He was gone for 4 days and when I did speak to him, I ask him what he did to make sure he was having fun rather than need to know what he did.
I personally think I am an attractive girl and I also have a very healthy respect for the fact that there are better looking women than I in the world, but what rules over all of that is that I have 100% trust in my husband. I have ever right to believe my husband s dedicated to me and knows the boundries of the relationship. Worrying about other women is a waste of time when you completely trust your partner.
HonningKanin
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not conceited just messing around :P
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha women who let their man go to strip clubs are insane. Some advicers just wastetheir time writing to my post. One big laugh :) me clingy?? Yeap but im beautiful so i can get away with anything because of my looks. Keep wiring in vane GL!!! hahhaa love it!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): My Christ you sound incredibly clingy and desperate. If you were my girlfriend(or boyfriend cause I am straight), I would have freaked out on how unbelievably clingy and needy you are.
Trust him for fuck sake. Who gives two flying fucks if he went to a strip club. If he has always given you a reason to trust him then him going anywhere shouldn't bother you. If you dont trust him then dump him. Stop putting yourself through this fucking stress and do yourself a favour and grow yourself a backbone so you can stand on your own without having to depend on him. Crying cause you cant get through to him, so you conclude he is cheating on you? Holy hell... To be honest the first thing that would cross my mind is his well being over if he is getting raunchy with other women.
I honestly would hate to have a partner like you. If I couldn't have my partners trust and needed this parrol like check ups I would personally leave you. Just on principle.
GL
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Are you stil at his house, do you know where his charger is?
Yes, I think it sounds like a plausible story, I have done that myself, I stopped memorizing my friends phone numbers the minute got a cell phone and the only phone number I know by heart is my own and my parents and no one else's has been saved to memory, my friends change their phone numbers sometimes so I don't bother remembering them...a cell phone is like your phone book, if the charge is down then it would be hard to call or look up the number.
I will say though, that even though his phone may have not been fully charged it is kind of unlikely that it was so dead he couldn't see your phone number in the address book, I mean my phone battery indicator shows red, then yellow for a couple of Hours before it dies, so unless he just ignored the fact that it was dying and forgot about calling you then or whatever, it is kind of a lame excuse in my opinion, but it is what he is sticking with.
I seriously doubt that any other women were involved, he went with his guy friends you know that for sure....he just didn't make you a priority because he was with his friends and that night he was without responsibilties, he took you for granted is what he did. Also, are you listed? If so he could have called information from a payphone and called you....but I think he felt that you should just know he cares about you, he doesn't have to prove it after all this time and he took you for granted is what he did.
I hear that you have broken up with him and moved away. You are going to have to trust him or this is not going to end up happily. Have you two sat down and discussed the reasons for your breakup and worked on correcting those issues in your relationship? Have you been able to wipe the slate clean and move forward to a better, stronger relatioship, are you trying to rebuild? I think if he agreed to call you when he goes out, then he is willing to agree to your rules and boundaries, so that is positive don't you think?
In the future I think you need to really try not to overreact and leave all those messages on his phone. You know I think guys sometimes push our emotional buttons on purpose to get a reaction out of us to prove to themselves that we still care. To them that is like getting flowers or something, but you still can't let them get away with that, it is mean and childish....and he needs to find better ways to get those needs met.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay so he finally called this morning. He told me that he didnt hear his phone because the casino was very loud and that since i slept over his house last night and used his charger he couldnt charge his phone and that when he looked at his phone at the casino last night it was already dead. Then he wanted to call me from his friend's cellphone but he doesnt know my number by heart. He said he was in a rush yesterday when he was packing to go and forgot to bring his charger with him. Then i asked him if he went to a strip club and he said "Do you know where sands casino is?? is in the middle of nowhere!! There are NO strip clubs there and besides, do you know what strip clubs are like?" and I said yeah i used to work at one as the door girl, and he said "well those girls have NOTHING on you. Why would i wanna go look at some busted ass girls when i have you??"
Does he sound like he's bull shi**ing?? please be honest.
I dont know if i believe him. I mean guys sometimes tell women what they wanna hear. And yeah since we got back together this is the first time he's go out without me. I moved to my moms house last year when we broke up, which is an hour and a half away from him, so now since im kind of far away i cant really expect him to stay at home by himself and not go out with his friends if i cant see him. So im sure he'll be going out without me more aften now since i cant see him everyday. I made him promise me he would never not call me again when he goes out or that i would never speak to him again andhe said okay. Ur hoest opinion on this??? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I think it would have been more to your advantage to not have sent the voice mail and all the texts and waited until you had a chance to tell him in person, but I get that you were upset and your imagination ran away with you.
This is the only time he has gone out without you?
I think if you feel that strongly disrespected then you probably should break it off with him. I think there may be more signs that you feel he is cheating or can't be trusted that have been weighing on your mind and heart. Trust you instincts and break it off and find someone who doesn't treat you like crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. It is 5 30 in the morning right now and he never called. I feel devastated. I send him a voice message telling him to not even bother calling me because we are done. I sent him a bunch of texts telling him how i feel and badly he disrespected me. I'm sure you're going to say it was a bad idea, but i just kept thinking abou him going to strip clubs and getting a lap dance or getting really drunk and meeting women at the casino and maybe ending up having sex with someone at their hotel room. And then him lying to me and me never in life finding out what he did. I know i sound paranoid but i'm extremely upset by him not calling me tonight like he said he would. He NEVER has his cellphone off and the only time he goes out its off, i jus think its extremely sketchy. I don't even knw if i wanna get back with him after ths. He has never done this to me before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Sometimes talking about it after the fact or getting angry with him will not work, he may just turn it around on you as being the clingy girlfriend.
I wouldn't have called over and over again because this is going to help his case that you are clingy and needy and don't trust him. After all he is an adult and men like to feel like they have their freedom, they fear losing it from their girlfriends.
I don't think you have any proof of suspicious behavior.
Casinos are noisy places and he could have been talking with his friends and didn't want to appear whipped by having to answer his phone.
He didn't do as he said he would and call you, but you also didn't wait until bedtime to see if you would hear from him, you checked up on him around dinner time which may have made him feel like you were being clingy and not trusting him.
I am not saying I think this is fair of him to think that way, or to not answer the phone or to call you back, but it is typical of a lot of men who aren't very mature for example.
What I think would be more effective is to not be there, not be where he expects you to be when he returns from his trip. It is the same way he treated you, not doing what was expected and being unreachable.
You go missing for at least a day maybe two when you know he is to get back from his trip. Turn your cell phone off, let it go to voicemail and do not return his calls until you are good and ready to do so, like in 48 hours, since it will probably be that long since you have heard from him.
Let me ask you, how far away was the casino, and why did they need to spend the night? Drinking?
As far as not answering his phone, you can't really tell someone that they can never not answer their phone when you call or have it off. That is pretty unreasonable as you both have your own lives and appointments and it is not always practical or possible to stop everything or interrupt everything to answer. What he should have done was check in with you when he promised he would, whether you called first or not. I am sure he has a plausible excuse, but it is still disrespectful on his part.
When you do call him back after being gone and he asks you what is up, then tell him how you feel about what he did. Don't be accusatory and suspicious, just tell him that it hurt your feelings that he just disappeared on you while traveling and that he promised that he would call you.. .and if that is how you are going to be treating each other then maybe you both should re-think the relationship. He needs to know that you don't need him and that you are capable of walking out if he doesn't treat you with respect.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): he's cheating. trust me. i know guys and I know what they do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice and i was just thiking about the frase we teach people how to treat us today because its so true. When we talked earlier today he told me he would call me before he went to bed (in the hotel) I called him at about 620 pm just to say hi but he didnt answer and i truly feel its wrong for him not to answer his phone or at least return my call soon, but he didnt answer and i started to wonder why so i called again and again about 5 or 6 times. I texted him but he didn't respond either. Then 2 and a half hours later i trid calling again and his cellphone was off. I think this is extremely suspicious. I don't understand wat the big deal of him answering his phone is. He ca just answer to say i'm with X and X doing this i'll call u back later. thats all i wanted to hear, but when he doesnt answer at all i feel like he's doind something he doesnt want me to know about. I cried alot tonight. Ive been sitting in my room since 620 this afternoon waiting for him to call me back. Should i tell him he cant have this behaviour of not answering and turning his phone off?? I'm really upset please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I don't know your boyfriend, I can't possibly speak for his character or tell you that his phone behavior means he is up to no good.
What I can tell you is that he is playing a game with you and is probably annoyed that you are calling him to check on him. He told you he was out with his guy friends and what he was planning on doing.
I guess when he told you his plans, you could have stated how that made you feel, possibly worried that he was going out to meet women with his friends or get too drunk and get into some kind of trouble, and asked him if he would call you at some point to let you know where he was. That way you could have set a ground rule or a boundary with him. If he said he would do that and he didn't you would have cause for concern, since you didn't get that agreement beforehand, now he is just playing a game and showing that you can't control him.
It is typical behavior of an immature, non committed man. I would show him the same disrespect when he gets home either by not being there, do not be available, do not take his calls for at least 24 to 48 hours, show him how that disrespect feels to him, then he might get a clue.
We teach people how to treat us. Reward his disrespect with distance....not chasing after him and asking where the hell he was.
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