A
female
age
30-35,
*wenabee
writes:I feel like this is a question that's been asked over and over again, and will probably be asked again many times in the future. My boyfriend watches an inordinate amount of porn. He's 22. While the fact that he's watching porn seriously bugs me, it's the constant lying about it that makes me resent him. I've told him time and time again, "If I ask you outright about it, just tell me the truth."And yet over and over he'll lie.There's been times when I've blatantly caught him out and yet he still tries to worm his way out of it. He's watched it while I'm asleep in the next room, the moment I leave for work, he was even late picking me up from a hospital appointment once because he was looking up porn. This obsession with it has led me to completely lose any faith in my sexuality, and my ability to fulfill him. I think I haven't had sex with him in about a month now. I can't even masturbate because I feel so disgusted with any sexual thoughts because of all this.I really don't know what to do in this situation, and any comments on any part of this will be much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): Hi, like many other women, I know how you feel, and no matter how many times men try to reassure us, it's just not enough, right? "Porn is different" is a logic that doesn't work well with us women. To me, the fact that they desired/depended on it so much and was something they'd never give up was frustrating to me. Because that's what I wanted to be for my man, I was better than porn, I was real thing, but to see him go back porn time and time again hurt my pride and ego in a snap. I've been through everything - trying to pretend I was cool with it (didn't work because the pain was stressful), tried asking him to quit (huge fail, he just started to hide it instead), so I just gave up ...and then I came up with an idea. My boyfriend and I believe in compromising and respecting each others conditions, so if porn is something I really can't take away from him, then I figured we'd form an agreement on it, like setting rules. And it goes like this: 1.If we don't have sex for 3days or more, 2. If I am away and am unable to be there to relieve him, 3. If I am very busy or sick then he's allowed to do whatever he wants. It makes me feel a lot better because although I can't end it, I can now control itand I now know when he will engage in porn since the rules revolve around me :) And my boyfriend is happy because he's found some freedom in it and a safe ground where he doesn't have to feel guilty because we're agreeing on it. So it's a lot better now, every once in awhile I'll sigh and wish he'd still not want it, but I think that's impossible and unfair. If he broke the compromise though...that would be a completely different issue but he's doing okay so far. Hope this helped!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): I can understand why you are upset about this because he is dishonest about it and you need trust and by doing this he's not really helping you trust him. So you need to talk to him about his lying and the fact that it takes your trust away. And he still continues to do it and you are
prepared to stay with him then you need to get firmer and show him
that you are not going to be treated like that.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 The only issue I see here is that he’s lying and that it’s impacting on his life (being late to pick you up due to porn is not acceptable in my opinion)
The use of porn is not the issue for me. The use of porn so that it impacts on your life is the concern here.
His looking at porn in no way speaks to your sexuality. It does not say you can’t fulfill him. It’s not saying you’re not sexy or attractive. YOUR brain is saying that.
It’s hard for me as a third person observer to not see how easy it is to fix this. LEAVE HIM. He’s not going to give up his porn. YOU are not going to be happy if he’s looking at porn. YOU can’t compromise on this.
You need to find a man who feels about porn the way you do. He needs to find a woman who is not bothered so much by his use of porn.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 What is an inordinate amount of porn?
Anyway, if he hadn't come to pick you up because he was watching the soccer, in the pub or any other reason, wouldn't it just be as bad? If the hospital appointment was for anything even remotely serious (at first I read it as if he didn't pick you up after a shift, but did you mean you were ill?)
He watches porn and it seems pretty obvious you are against it. So... why does he have to be the one to chance? If you are trying to put a round peg in a square hole, you can either square the peg or round the hole. or us a really big hammer.
That you expect HIM to change, says a lot. A woman is the only life form who will dream all her life of a red Ferrari then buy a blue Mercedes and wonder when it will change.
And neither mine or CMMP's advice is about what is "right" or how things should be but how things are.
He watches porn, you can't stand it. He can't/doesn't want to change. You can't/don't want to change.
Relationship over.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 From your submittal, I'd say that - for you - any porn viewing by your partner is a "dealbreaker".....
The guy you are seeing, likes to view porn....(his lying about it makes no difference).... so it sounds like you're going to have to let your (and his) deal be broken.... Move on and find a guy who's more in keeping with the partner who you want....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): I think CMMP has hit the nail on the head. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you and I mean the constant lying and putting you second place to an 'interest'. The you have two choices. Put up with it of leave. It really is that simple. You can't change him, only he can make the decision to change and he clearly doesn't want to. So rather than allow his behaviour to further damage your perception of sex, I would leave him to it and find a more loving, honest partner.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 January 2013):
Questions like this really demonstrate how blinded people can be when they are in a relationship.
It's probably obvious to everyone except you that there's nothing YOU can do about it. You can't change other people, they have to do it themselves.
What you have the power to do here is simple. You can tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to you. If he wants to change that's his choice. If he doesn't you're leaving, no more second chances.
If you catch him even once you have to accept the fact that you two are incompatible and move on. This is obviously a deal breaker for you so you'll have to be strong and do the right thing for yourself.
If you've already given him ultimatums than its over. Probably not the answer you want to hear but it's the stone cold truth. There are some times when you have to leave someone even when you love them and you feel like you don't want to say goodbye. This is one of those times because the way his behavior feels is not healthy.
I've had to do it before and it sucks, but soon you'll find it wasn't so hard and you'll learn to be happy again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): First things first: a boyfriend's use of pornography doesn't mean his girlfriend is sexually unattractive to him.
It's similar to women and vibrators... sometimes women use vibrators to masturbate and orgasm on their own time, but it doesn't mean that they find their boyfriends unattractive.
If your boyfriend's porn habit bothers you, you can tell him so. Actually mentioning how it makes you feel unattractive to him may help him realize the situation.
If he feels ashamed or continues to deny his porn use, you could try asking him what kind of porn he likes (as a conversation starter). Maybe your interest in what he watches will make him more comfortable with discussing porn with you... instead of denying it.
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