A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a son together. When we first met, he was making porn with a friend. He and his friend got together and took pics/videos of other women in different scenes or fetishes. He was always calling girls and have the girls call him, etc. When he was doing the whole porn thing-which led to my distrust- he would meet a girl in the grocery store and have her call him to arrange for pics. He told me he "had to come at the girls as if he wanted to get with them." On top of that, the friend he was doing the shoots with cheats on his wife constantly. I was hearing things not only from my boyfriend, but from the girls the guy was seeing. All that combined and the stigma of being involved in porn is what led to me asking him to stop.I never believed I could change him. For the first year we were together, I tried to accept the whole porn thing. It wasn't like I just up and said for him not to do it. We did have several discussions.I asked him to stop, because it was not something I could accept. He did stop. In the end, his friend was hurt. In addition to the other crap that has gone on (which is addressed later). His friend send a message telling him he had to be more professional b/c my boyfriend supposedly called and asked one of their models to meet him at a motel. Of course my boyfriend explained it away and said his friend did it just because he was angry over the situation.Now, he uses myspace and his phone to text other girls he knew in previous relationships. He claims they are all innocent. I have become so distrustful, I check his myspace messages and email just to see what he has sent/received. He changed his phone password, so I can't access it. In the last week, he has told an old friend that the girl her family saw him with was a good friend from work (not so) and gave his phone number to his ex-fiance'. We had a huge fight. He says in both cases it is completely innocent and that I was wrong to read the things he sent. I am wrong for accessing his mail and now the damage is done. I ask myself though, what about the messages he is sending these women? If he is leaning toward being unfaithful, what do I do? If I had not looked at his mail, etc. I would not have known. How should I deal with this. I've asked him to leave, but we have "worked" things out. Actually, He thought they were worked out. Obviously I still have reservations. He has a convenient excuse for everything. In all other areas, he is a sincere person, but (and I quote his words) "he can sell water to a well." I'm not a well. I don't really believe the explanations he gave for sending the messages and I feel there is something more than what he says. I feel conflicted over my behavior and his actions. It seems as if he MUST have other women to flirt with and have inappropriate relationships with. But when we talk he says he loves me and wants to be with me. His actions are betraying his words. Please -- any advice/comments are appreciated.
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male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (20 June 2007):
To The Lollipop Lady. "You are a Sucker", and you are being used by some one who has been into porno,and no doubt he is still is into it. Which is an Addiction just like drugs or alcohol. You Have a sick relationship, but you know that, I can tell from your letter. So put the wrapper back on the Lollipop, And "Please" move on with your life. You can see Him use other women, but you can't see how you are being used. Well, Fascination,like Love is blind. And as far as your relationship goes. You don't really have anything going for you. So don't walk out of your empty, being used relationship, RUN! RUN! RUN! My Lollipop Lady.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): Your boyfriend is in the porn industry where the business is the selling of flesh.
He has to have a character that allows him to bend the rules of fidelity, and is able to make all kinds of excuses to himself and to others for his behavior.
He has given you a child, but no real commitment to a future together, he has not married you and vowed to be faithful, loyal and true. What on earth does love have to do with it?
You have differing values, you have character, he does not, this will never work, you can beat your head against this wall as long as you want to, you can monitor his wearabouts, his phone calls and ask all of his friends and aquaintances what he is up to. You already have that answer. Why are you with him if it weren't for the excitement of being with a well hung man, who has a nice body and other women desire. Check yourself if you are living in fantasy land.
Do you stay or go?
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