A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfiend and I broke up 6 weeks ago. It was my decision as he seemed to have lost interest, though he said he still liked me and wanted to still see me and occasionally go out! He started texting me almost straight away, it got dirty flirty regularly, he then started phoning me again. It seemed like he needed to know what was going on in my life all the time, but we had agreed to be friends.Anyway, the flirting got way out of hand one evening(on average 30 text messages) and he came over and the inevitable happened. We have a great chemistry and get on really well. He was going to come over 2 nights later, but texted an hour before to say he couldn't come (he had a fairly good reason). He sent me loads of funny emails (not personal ones), but has not spoken to me since, it's now been 4 days. Just a text when I texted him to see if he was still speaking to me, to which he replied - of course. I'm confused, is he just playing with me or lost interest now he that he had me again? Any ideas? I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Just an update...
He sent me a naughty email the next day, then phoned me up out of the blue to apologize, but said he was testing the water.We were on the phone for an hour just chatting.Anyway next day we sent each other some text jokes, then he implied I was only interested in sex!I said i was interested in him and told him a little of what i feel, but he couldnt hanle it.Said forget it, not in the mood.Anyway i later said sorry, cos i felt guilty for goading hom.He has now sent a couple of personel emails, but i still feel confused.Have been talking to a nice guy on dating site who makes me laugh, but am afraid to meet up, because i dont want to lose my ex.I only went on it to make him jealous.I just feel we are meant to be together.
We keep going back to each other, but as you said maybe he is playing games and keeping me dangling,.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (28 February 2011):
sounds like he's playing games with you. Maybe he's one of those people who's only interested in the thrill of the chase, then once they "have" someone they're no longer interested. Or maybe he was just keeping you around as a safety net while he was looking around for a new relationship and now has found someone else so he's no longer interested in you.
whatever the reason, it's really inconsiderate of him to be doing hot/cold with you and sending mixed signals and behaving inconsistently because it violates the social rules of interpersonal communications - in order to feel "safe" with someone, whether it's friends or romantic partners, you need to see them as being some what reliable and predictable and have clear expectations of what the relationship should be and what behavior to expect from them. Since you two broke up, the relationship changed so accordingly the rules changed meaning it's not expected to have as much personal contact yet you did, so this (mis)led you to believe you're now back together in a relationship. Then he changes things around again and is now acting like you're not in a relationship, but he never actually said anything.
I think you need to either be direct and ask him what's going on, and explain to him why you want to know. or else you could also just not say anything to him but just draw your own conclusions and behave appropriately towards him based on your interpretation of the picture (but this could lead to more playing games).
But either way it's unfair if he's the one always setting the pace and tone of the "relationship" or changing the "relationship" from one status to another and you're just blindly following along responding to him every time he's being "hot" and similarly giving him space whenever he's being "cool"...that's a set up for you getting yanked around, maybe it's already happening.
So to take back control of your own life I think you should either be direct and clarify things with him (i.e. hold him accountable for his behavior if he wants to maintain a relationship with you), or else make your own decision about the status of this relationship and conduct yourself accordingly regardless of what he's doing.
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