A
female
age
36-40,
*ebine
writes:Wondering if anyone can give me some much need advice and reassurance, I am really hurting and not sure where to turn for help! My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years we have a 7 month old baby girl, I love this man desperately and want to stay with him.The problem is for the last year I've struggled to trust him, after some investigating and catch outs this is what I now know:He attends strip clubs, regularly watches porn including transvetite porn, this is no longer enough to stimulate him so he had taken up live webcam sex and phone sex, god knows what else! After catching him red handed having online sex we had it out, he confessed he likes to wear womens lingerie and look at other men who do, he is also very into anal stimulation. After fighting and tears I was understanding but said if he cheats online again I will leave, trouble is I've confessed my spying so how I will find out I don't know! I have tried to accommodate his interests brought him lingerie etc. I want to give things a go working but I'm so so scared of getting hurt again, I can't loose him I don't know what to do, please help! Thank you :(
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female
reader, Bebine +, writes (20 February 2013):
Bebine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso_very_confused, thank you so much for replying to my question and you hit the nail on the head with it all! You are completely right I have set it up so he will lie to me, in fact he said he would delete his youcanwearmypanties account and hasn't yet! I have looked into a KEYLOGGER it's the cost stopping me at the moment, but you're right do I really want to know, what I could find out could be devastating! I know I shouldn't threaten to leave if I won't, I hope I would be strong enough to if it came to it, maybe ignorance is bliss after all! In answer to your question what will happen if I do lose him, I would be heartbroken I just love him more than I can explain, maybe given his behaviour he doesn't feel the same and I should think about that. I guess as well I don't want what is our new family to be torn apart either.In terms of what he gives me in the relationship other than all this sexually deviant behaviour is amazing we are good together, he is loving and caring and we have such a good time together it feels like we are soul mates ( at risk of sounding terribly cheesy!) I totally agree with what you say about men wearing lingerie and loving anal, it doesn't make them gay or otherwise. When he told me about this I was very understanding, didn't feel at all differently about him and am completely willing to fulfil his fantasies. It's whether he will let me. He says he is ashamed of how he is and wants to change, I told him he should not feel ashamed of what he likes. He should only feel ashamed of having sex with real people on camera, as in my eyes that IS cheating and is a massive betrayal. I understand men watch porn and masturbate I would never leave him for that, don't have to like it but its just a part of life! It talking, flirting and having sex with these real everyday people (men and women) on this site, who are sometimes less than a mile away. He says he will stop this I just don't think he will :( these desires won't just go away.I guess my biggest fear is this: The regular porn wasn't enough anymore, then came more extreme porn that wasn't enough, so came sex online and on the phone, what happens when that is not enough? Will it be intimate encounters? I'm scared and I don't deserve to be hurt like that. The problem is how will I know, and like you say do I want to!Thank you so much again for responding you we're very honest and that's what I needed!
A
female
reader, Bebine +, writes (20 February 2013):
Bebine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSylph, thank you so much for your meaningful and reassuring answer it soothed me as I read! You're absolutely right about keeping things interesting in the bedroom. We do have a very healthy sex life on average 4 times a week, we have strong sexual chemistry ( and I can't get enough of him!) in fact it would be him making it clear he doesn't want to, I think now I know thats because he was so busy emptying his load as it were with the cyber girls. But having said that our sex has not been very adventurous in the past, since discovering all this I have been trying all sorts to keep him excited, I want to be all he thinks about! And I wear lots of sexy lingerie myself.I brought him some black lacy underwear for valentines day, he didn't take it well though he was almost cross with me! I was very upset and confused! He then explained he doesn't want to be that person anymore. I can't help feeling its just that he doesn't want to share this fetish with me he wants to carry on in secret. Thank you again for your kind words.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 You say you can’t lose him but you say you will leave if he cheats online again. You wonder how you will know….
You told your guys that if he cheats online again you will leave. I can see giving him a second chance, but the truth is you have now set it up that he will LIE to you. He will do his best to cover his tracks… but you won’t trust him… and rightfully so. So what do you do?
IF you must know if he’s cheating online (and he probably will) you need to install a program called a KEYLOGGER on his computer…that will capture any keystrokes he takes no matter what he deletes… you will know if he’s lying to you. Do you really want to know? Will you REALLY leave him? If there is any shot in hell you won’t leave, then do not threaten it.
What is he giving you in this relationship?
You say you can’t lose him…. Why not? What will happen if you “lose him”….
Men dressing in women’s clothing is perfectly fine in my book as is men enjoying anal stimulation… most of the men I’ve been with enjoy it…. Does not mean they are gay or bisexual.
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A
female
reader, Sylph +, writes (14 February 2013):
Hi, im sorry to hear about your apprehension and fear but here's what. Apparently your man has a high sex drive.. Are you satisfying him sexually? Are you creative and not routinal in bed? Is there something new you havent tried? Are you keeping things spiced up, and are you trying to look sexy for him? Well, u should try all of the above... You could even flirt with others and get him into a chase, because men love chasing, let him stay updated for u, not vice versa. It is considerate of u to tolerate him wanting to wear womens clothing, and i believe he truly appreciated that. Im not going to advice u to break up because i know you wouldnt like to hear that, let alone do that. So i will offer u some reasurance. Millions of men who are in commitments look at porn, maybe masturbate to hot women or celebrities(so far he didnt have full on sex with anyone did he, i belive that is when you should truly consider break up) but at the end of the day, they are with the woman they love, and her face, is the face they remember and dream of and love and cherish. He chose u, he could have been with any of those cyber girls, but he wants u not them, i bet he doesnt even think of them after he gets his orgasm. He can however be more considerate to tone it down. Dont let ur security or self esteem be at stake, if u truly love him, talk this out, and stay, tell him it hurts, ask him what more he needs, and be ready to be there. It might just be phase hes passing through. Why dont u try to change your routine, try some roleplay, and make him dress in womans clothing?
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