A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I would like your advice on whether I am being too harsh on my boyfriend.My boyfriend was without a job for quite some months and recently landed a customer service job. He has experience working in a call center environment before so his new employers gave him a higher pay rate and had higher expectations from him.He has only been at the job for one week when he told me this past Friday that he wanted to quit. I asked why and he said training wasn't going as smoothly as anticipated and he has not gotten set up at a computer yet. He said the program the company is using isn't as user friendly and he is having a hard time learning the new terms. He said since he doesn't have a computer yet, he's not able to navigate the program during his downtime and feels behind in his training progress. He spoke to the general manager and she confirmed that based on his trainer feedbacks, he is doing quite well and that a new computer system is being assembled and will ship within the next week, he just has to be patient. The general manager told him to think about it and text her his final decision on Sunday.I tried reasoning with him, I tried encouraging him, I tried talking to him and understanding as much as I can. But he still insist on quitting. I feel he disappointed me. I was patient with him all those months he was without a job. I worked on updating his resume. We search through and applied for jobs together and when he got an interview at this place, I rehearsed interview questions with him and was with him all the way. How can he just give up and quit after one week? He hasn't even given it a chance. Besides, he needs money, so shouldn't he stay here while continuing his job search and leave when he finds another job? How long will it be until he receives another offer? What if he has to wait another six months? Why doesn't he think of all of that before making his decision? I had to resort to my last option tonight. I told him that if he doesn't get in to work tomorrow, I am breaking up with him. I know he can talk to the general manager and she will have him back, that's not a problem. But I feel so mean and evil giving him that ultimatum. I don't want him to regret it because he didn't have the patience to wait for his computer to arrive. I know and totally understand how boring it is to sit there and watch without having a computer of his own to work on... I totally understand that. But that is no reason to quit... and even if he falls behind on training, they will understand that it's because he did not have the resources.Do you think I'm wrong in telling him that if he doesn't get back to work tomorrow, I am going to break up with him? I don't want to break up with him because I do love him a lot, but if a guy is not serious about his career and does not see the big picture and just quits whenever he wants to... how can I rely on him to be responsible enough build a future and family with me? We are talking marriage within the next year or two.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): I want to know too.What happened?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 June 2016):
 so did he quit?
did you leave?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 You cannot black mail people like that, is he wrong to leave his job? Yes probably, but that is his choice to make, if he is not reliable for the future then it is your choice to make weather you want to be with him or not, but no amount of manipulation can change who he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): Listen to aunti BimBim's advice. She is giving the soundest advice.This freedom of choice is being taken too far.In my opinion every guy has to work unless he is the son of a millionear or something. You have done the right thing by giving him the ultimatum and if he does leave the work you should do as you have warned and leave him. You can be much better off w/o tieing your life to a bum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): He is a loser.He just does not want to work.Look he is showing you who he really is.Why are you not listening?Dump him unless you want to support him forever.He has to grow up a bit yet.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Bad idea . Not only, as You Wish says, you have painted yourself in a corner. Imagine what a fool you'll look like if he does quit this job .. and you don't dump him at once. Zero credibility for the future.
But I also think that very possibly you shoot yourself in your foot. If he just has a pinch of pride, now he will leave his job ( even if in the meantime he has changed his mind and understood it would be best to stay ) just to show you that he is not your lapdog and that you can't boss him around.
You did not handle this very well. Your role as a Gf is to support him, to encourage him, to tell him that you believe in him, even ,if you want, to try and convince him that he should stay and explain him way, in your opinion. After which- back off, he is not your child, you are not supposed to mother him and wipe his nose and teach him good from bad. He is an adult, that's his life, his time, his money, and his future, he has the right to make freely his decision . Is it a wrong decision ? - fine. People learn as well from their mistakes as from their successes.
That , then, the decision he makes may suggest you that he is too impatient, too impulsive or too lazy, and that you don't want to spend your life with an impatient, impulsive or lazy guy- that's another story. You are entitled to draw your conclusions, and to detach yourself if you think this is too much of a bad omen.
But not to force down his throat your principles of wisdom and correct living. You are probably right- but he is not 10 years old, and you are not his parent. If he is wrong, that's on him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Ultimatums backfire. That's why they are not good to use. And let's say he sticks with it...he will still lose respect for you. Manipulation is a low form of communication. What happens when his feelings for you wane, and you want to get your own way??
I get your frustration, but you need to stop doing things for him, like the others have said. Don't give him money. Don't do his interviews and resumes. Let him stand on his own feet.
Now, if he quits, you do have to decide whether or not you'll stay with him, but now you'll have to follow through on your ultimatum, since you've painted yourself into a corner. If he quits and you don't break up with him, your words will be worthless. If he doesn't quit, he'll resent you.
The best way to handle this is to make your own decision regardless of what he does. If he shows that he's a flake and quits, then you know what he'll do when the heat is on and then you can make your own decisions.
I'd have told him that he needs to consider when he's on his own, supporting children, and can't quit. Tell him if he really wants out, he should stay there until he's secured a new job. Bills never stop needing to be paid. You're not his bank.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Woman, you need to back down. You are acting like his mother. That is NOT your job, and does not make you a good girlfriend. It makes you a good parent.
You were "patient" with him when he was without a job? Tell me, what does that mean? That you didn't nag on him to find a job? You make it sound as if he went without a job on purpose just to upset you, as if you had to be patient with him for doing this to you. And then again, when he wants to quit this new job, you act like he is doing this against YOU! But this has NOTHING to do with you. It's about him and him being a grown ass adult making his own decisions. And if you do not agree with those decisions, do you know what the correct response is? You end the relationship. You don't mother him and act as if he is a child and hold his hand going through interviews... You let him own his own mistakes, his own choices, and then you decide if this is the sort of man you want to be with.
But giving out ultimatums is not acceptable. You are only saying this because, as you wrote, you had to resort to your last option. But lady, again, he is not your child!!! When did this ever become YOUR problem? If he is unemployed, that is HIS problem, not yours. You need to separate the two. You are not his mother, he is not your child that you need to worry about. Even his mother shouldn't care, to be honest, because he is a grown man and not a small child.
If he wants to quit his job, let him. But of course, it's not your job either to pay his way or give him freebies. So do not let his situation impact your finances, not ever. Finances should only be mixed if there is a marriage.
Whether you like it or not, you are already dating a man who is willing to easily quit a job for some petty reason. You forcing his hand in not quitting, doesn't change the fact that this is his character. He will do this again and again. This is who he is. You need to think about whether or not forcing him to do what you want, if that really helps the problem or not. Because the way I see it, you are wasting your time trying to save this man from himself. You shouldn't be doing all of this, it's not good for you or him. I think this is just one of those deal breakers.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Its a big question;
"but if a guy is not serious about his career and does not see the big picture and just quits whenever he wants to... how can I rely on him to be responsible enough build a future and family with me?"
You could put the question to him, I doubt you will get a decent answer, he lacks staying power, would he quit a marriage or children at the drop of a hat? What if you got married and for some reason you were sick and needed taking care of .... would he quit that after a week as well?
Do you currently live together and how has he been supporting himself while he was unemployed for quite some months?
Personally I think you are being very brave making the very right decision. Good luck, I hope, whichever way it goes, it all works out well for you!
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