A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ever since I turned 21 - now I am turning 30 I have always gone above and beyond for men. I would characterize myself as a young successful woman - I hold a good corporate job and two degrees and really Kee up with my appearance. Inside though I am very insecure- I have only been in two relationships - one when I was 19-25 and he was not only verbally a ifie to me but he took advantage of my niceness and just used me to the point where I could take it it anymore and broke. Most recently after taking three year break I got into a relationship with one of the guys I used to know in high school- we were both very attracted to each other and he asked me to be his gf very quickly. Since being in a relationship with him for the last six months - I have kissed his ass and done everything he wanted - just to make sure im not alone and in a relationship- "I fear being alone" just two weeks ago he broke up with me over text saying we don't see things eye to eye. Meaning im not gonna see you more than once a week or change my ways when I asked to spend more time with him. I signed up for therapy and my doctor said that I let people walk over me and this will continue to happen if I don't stop. My question is how can I stop? Deep down I knew this man was not nice and he was just a plain mechanic but I still go back and blame myself for him leaving- I always think what if I could have done soemthjng differently when in reality I did everything he wanted and I never spoke up (we didn't have one single argument in 6 months). My question is how can I break this cycle of people using me- men not treating me well. It's easy to get dates because men tell me im very attractive and I keep up with my appearance but deep down inside im so weak. Help
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 June 2016):
I don't think anyone wants to go into a lifelong relationship based on kissing ass but I think I get the general idea that you did what you thought was right. You've only had one real relationship and the first one not counting so much because it was during a lot of weird transitions. In general, I think it is hard to base anything from one relationship.
I can try as hard as I want to be another person but a girl would never take me seriously. A girl can try to do whatever I want but if she never says no, I can't imagine she is being genuine. I would become mean to break her so she can show her true self. A woman in my position would do the same. Not because we are bad people, but because it is simply human nature.
I think at the end of it all, you don't sound very happy, despite your accomplishments. You have lots of accomplishments but do you love doing any of that stuff?
Your ex might be 'just' a mechanic but he might be happy doing what he loves, makes enough to get by and then some, makes people happy, and it is an honest living. His skills will be forever and he can always work for himself, as his job will always be in demand.
If you have enough saved you could always find meaning in your life by finding something you love doing.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2016):
 I find this phrase very interesting: ".... and he was just a plain mechanic...."
Does that "tell" us that you grade men on what they do in life? Do you suppose that you "telegraph" that message.. and guys who receive it find you "schoolmarmish"?
Take control of you life.... determine how YOU want your life to proceed... and HAVE CONFIDENCE that you (and ONLY you) are responsible for your (own) happiness....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (20 June 2016):
 I really really suggest you try and read some stuff from Rori Raye, shes a relationship expert who talks about being strong in the inside and allowing yourself to be vulnerable on the outside.It doesnt matter how many degrees you have, how attractive, sexy, talkative you are, men will notice if a woman doesnt love herself and it comes out from the way she talks, her eagerness to please, scheduling her life around a man,etc. Men go ewwww, just like if you were to meet a man who did the same thing for you. We are attracted to confidence, but Im not talking hollywood or conceited confidence, Im talking the confidence from within. The unshakable strength that comes from within you as a woman, the woman who knows if a man breaks things off she will okay, the woman who loves her life, her values, her friends, her home, her joys, her time with others and of course, herself. Why are you so afraid to be alone?? Enjoy it, be empower by it, and love it. Being single for a woman is actually very empowering because you can date, enjoy your life, do whatever you want in that time before you meet that special guy. It's "YOU" time. Why are you kissing ass? Are you a giver? Because just STOP it right now. Men are givers, women recieve. Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman who is laidback and easygoing, confident and willing to recieve from him. A guy asks you out? say yes. A guy gives you a sweet compliment? Just smile and say thank you. Let you be the prize. Cause you are. You dont have to do a single thing, just be YOU, the most amazing, adorable, glowy feminine you and men will flock to you. Just relax and enjoy this very moment.And I dont like it when women say I keep up with myself all time, I try look hot, etc.....men love it when a woman can let her hair down and relax. Natural beauty is the sexiest. Do you think a man would choose a clothed high end model with a face full of makeup and a poker face OR the average-looking, fun-loving girl with zero makeup on wearing only the glowiest smile? Men after men will pick the second girl. Its not the makeup or looks that men are after and they dont even know it themselves, but its a girl's energy and femininity that draws him in (food for thought, right?)Good luck =)
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 "I fear being alone"
What are you afraid of?? It is better to be alone and happy, than to be with someone and be miserable.
You can have the best job in world, be the most sexiest woman alive...But none of that matters if you accept foolishness in your life.
If you know or see someone is not right for you, and you still go ahead and get into a relationship, or stay in one, for the sake of having someone...then who is using who???
YOU are using the men to treat you like crap...not them treating you like on purpose. YOU see it, and YOU allow.
Let's put it this way...You know what a lion would do to you right??? So, you see one and you think...this lion could rip me apart and kill me...but it is so cute and adorable, I am going to play with it. So the lion rips you up, and as you lay in the hospital, you think...How can I get a wild lion to stop ripping me apart??? I was so nice to it, kissed it ass, and treated it with so much love?
If you see danger, you get away from it. You do not walk into it, get hurt, and then go to therapy to fix the problem.
Keeping bad things around, leaves little room for the good things.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (20 June 2016):
I have a feeling that you are the poster who has posted a few times about your ex finishing your relationship with a text, not seeing eye to eye when you wanted more etc.
Its super great that you have sought therapy, and taken this first step. That,isn't an easy thing to do, and you are now signed up to change. That's important.
Snippets of what we tell you right now aren't going to be game changers for you. The right therapy is.
Feel free to private message me, you are taking the right step here, be proud, know its not easy, but you cam do this and this will lead onto a good and right relationship
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 It is a good thing that you signed up for therapy, the point of which is, in time, to give you the tools to learn being assertive and boosting your self esteem. Of course if this of letting people walk all over you is a problem you had all your life, you can't expect overnight success and an instant change of your thought structures. But therapy is about change and if you are patient and consistent you'll see changes.
In the meantime- maybe it's simpler than you think. It's basically about knowing yourself, what you want and what you don't want, what you like and what you dislike, based on which, you decide your boundaries, and to which degree you can be flexible about them. Decided which- you stick to it no matter what.
It's not different with men from what you'd do with your friends, relatives and non romantic relationships. You need a bit of mental elasticity, a bit of flexibility, because nobody can be your 100% match in wants and needs. But , a bit. Don't keep your mind so open that your brain falls out :)
I'll give you an example and maybe it's a silly one, but I hope that , right for now, it will do.
Suppose that your best friend is an amateur ballet dancer, and you just hate ballet.
Now, as a good friend, yes, you can go to her dance school end-of-the-year show, you should in fact. And applaud her warmly. It's a big deal for her, and you can surely stifle a few yawns to support your friend and show her you care.
BUT: you do not have to assist to all her dance rehearsals even is she asks you to. You do not have to take her every weekend to see all the ballet performances that she likes, or to enroll in her ballet class to keep her company.
You are friends, and friends are allowed to have different opinions and different pleasures , and know how to respect each other 's individual needs . Exceptions are OK when it is important , but daily self sacrifice is not OK.
With men is the same. You don't have to " kiss ass ", it backfires, in fact. You don't have to do cartwheels to make them like you, because anyway they would be liking the cartwheeling you, not the real one- and you can't keep up a lifetime of cartwheels.
So, you do not have to perform " weird " sexual acts which to do not appeal to you, just to please them. Nor to shower them with gifts to show them how generous you are, or cook and clean after them to impress them with your caring ways.
You can do that if the weird sex , the costly gifts, the gourmet dinners are something that YOU love doing, something that gives YOU joy, something that belongs to your true nature, not to the cartwheeling you that " behaves " and kisses ass out of the fear of being abandoned.
Things made out of fear have this distinctive reek of desperation, even the thickest man generally is able to smell it from a distance, and it begets negatives results, : contempt , rather than gratitude.
Because at some level they perceive it for what it is : a show of weakness and self loathe, rather than a proof of sincere devotion.
You act meek because you want to fidelize the client- and the client smells a scam and does not want to be fidelized.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Practice saying no. It is as easy as that. You need to make a start somewhere. Taking control and making a decision is the most empowering thing. If someone says eat this burger, and you want a salad it is all right to say no thanks I know what I want. I know what is good for me - a salad thank you.
You will get better and better at this the more you do it. And the great thing is people will respect you for knowing your own mind.
Even if you play a subservient role in sex it should still be you in control. It needs to be your choice what happens and how far it goes.
That will be $100 dollars please.
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