A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have had a great relationship - he's stuck by me through everything even when my mum and brother passed away 2 years ago and everything was hectic. We are now living together, we both work and are very happy together.A year ago he had three friends who I was not particularly keen on as all they did was get drunk and use my boyfriend to drive them everywhere; I hardly ever saw him and when I did he would be calling them and texting them which would make me feel as if he didn't want to be with me at all. He went on a long weekend with them to Wales and they all had a drunken argument - telling him that they wished he was dead, chucking things at him etc, so he came back the next day. On that day I had them trying to irritate me on a social networking site (i.e making stupid comments on my statuses regarding my boyfriend) I told them it had nothing to do with me and it was between them - I deleted them off my page and I started receiving messages from them taunting me on how I tried to take me life earlier in the year (I had a breakdown from the death of my mother. I rang them angry asking why they were having a go at me and they started saying how I should go and die with my parents, that I should have done a better job of killing myself etc. I rang my boyfriend who just told me to leave it - he didn't support me at all. This was not the first time they had done something like this, they also went to my boyfriend property and stood around his car - urinated on it and left all there bottles around it, they also came to his place of work texting him saying the were with a gang of people waiting to beat him up; and finally they told me that my boyfriend was planning on cheating on me when they were going to go to Magaluf.It's been a year since we have spoken to them and my boyfriend suddenly mentioned the other day that he wants to make up with them so it is not awkward when they see each other around, I said this was fine but I did not want they back in our life's as we are finally settled after a horrible 2 years. He has now started talking to them on a social networking site - I didn't mind this as long as I didn't have to see them or talk to them and I assumed they were just catching up on Uni etc. He then told me they suggested we all have a party when we move house(we are purchasing our own house) I told him I'm not happy for that to happen as I do not want them coming to my house if another argument takes place. He is now saying he wanted to go partying with them now and again because he doesn't see people his age...I do understand how he feels and I am happy for him to go out etc. but I am not happy with him going out with them...he's said he wont if I don't want him too but he misses going out...the boys have not apologised to me either and I feel as if my life is being turned upside down again.Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my circumstances? I don't want them to take him away from me again and I don't want any agro again either...Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have spoken to him about how I feel, but he really feels like they've changed...and he feels like the only way he can make new friends is through them.
Also, I only last night found that they have been taking the mick out of him as he went bowling with them to break the ice and see if they had changed, they were nice to his face and he has been talking to one of them on Facebook, then I found that they had been tweeting about him (knowing he doesnt use it) calling him a spanish twat and wondering why they invited him...I told him and he was quite downhearted by it but is still certain one of the boys is different...
I suppose I'll just let him get on with it, I have warned him!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): Sounds like your boyfriend has very low self esteem, if he accepts these 'friends' urinating on his car, leaving empty bottles all over his property, and messing with him at work making him believe he's going to get beaten up. They are being abusive to him as well as to you. And yet, he wants their approval. he was doing fine for a year, by not associating with them any longer. Now he wants to "go back" to them. Why?If it's just that he misses going out and partying, why oh why can't he go out and party with OTHER people, just any one but them? it's also very concerning to me that he disregarded their abuse towards you. He basically told you to accept their abuse, which means he condoned it. even if it's because he didn't want to rock the boat with them because he's so desperate for their approval, still the fact is he condoned their abuse towards you. I would be very concerned about this and personally I consider this a deal breaker in a relationship. I think your boyfriend has a problem. And unfortunately you will suffer for it because you're his partner. Maybe he needs to learn how to make new friends so he doesn't "have" to stick around with these toxic people for lack of options.Why don't you both move to another city to be away from these toxic 'friends' of his?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): I hate to say this but, if it once again turns into this situation where your bf and these group of "friends" are a package deal, then maybe you should leave your bf and tell him that as long as he continues to allow them to harass you and be abusive to you, you are not going to stay in this relationship.I don't believe that we should stop our partners from having the friends they want. we don't own our partners. He should have the choice to pick his friends.But if his choice of "friends" leads to abuse being heaped upon YOU, then you have to protect yourself by removing yourself from the situation, even if that means ending the relationship. Then he has the choice whether to create boundaries in his "friendship" with these people because not doing so is making him lose something he values. If he chooses to create boundaries so YOU don't have to be dragged into their mess, then fine. If he won't, then you have to protect yourself. The choice is his.it sounds like has really bad sense of personal boundaries if he allows these "friends" to degrade him not just you as well. Tell him that these people are not the only people in the world, if he's only choosing to stick with them because he has no other friends.but in the end, he has to see for himself and decide for himself that they are horrible people. If he hasn't seen that yet, then all you can do is remove yourself from the situation to protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, SOShelp +, writes (29 December 2011):
 If I were you, I would be quite worried. Well done for getting your life back on track and I understand how confusing and frustrating this may be for you.
First things first, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what they said to you and your boyfriend because it is abuse. Talk to him and see if there are any more complex reasons of why he wants to see them again. In my experience people like that rarely change especially if they are as immature as they sound.
No, you are not being unreasonable. All of your reasons seem valid so have a talk with your boyfriend and have a chance to express your opinion and have a think about what he says.
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