A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have had our ups and downs in our relationship. But we have gotten back together and this time it just felt like everything was right, like it was really going to work and the timing before was just off. Well, until tonight. He has been talking about getting a new roommate as his is moving out soon. He owns a house and rents out the room. He said he had a prospective person interested in the room, probably would move in around june. And he was meeting them sunday to show the room. I thought okay cool. Well tonight I hear it is a girl who would be moving in... Now he didn't mention this before, I really think he knew I wouldn't be okay with it so left the gender of the person out. It turned into a big argument that I had a problem with him living with a female. He said his ex's never had a problem with it. I said most normal girls wouldn't like their boyfriend to have a girl living in his house with him. Am I wrong? Honestly I am hurt he would even consider trying to have a girl live with him and I feel like I just don't know him very well anymore. He also got upset and started questioning the relationship because I wouldn't trust him to have female friends. To which I was like- ??? I mean out of nowhere there is all this crap about girls. He hasn't even mentioned a female friend ever I don't think aside from a few ones who are married, now all of the sudden he is scared I wouldn't want him to have a friend who is a girl? Why??? Why the hell would it be so important to have a female friend anyway? I am so confused about it all. He also said I don't trust him and I have trust issues, etc. When in the entire time I have dated him I have never mistrusted him or questioned him or checked up on him ever... I completely trust him 100%. Now I just feel like I don't know him and he is some dude who wants to be surrounded by girls or something, I don't know. I really don't know how to take all this. Am I wrong to have a problem with him living with a girl? I don't know why but it feels like cheating even if nothing was going on. Can you trust your boyfriend but still have a problem with him living with a female? And why do I feel like crap that he is so worried about not being able to talk to other girls? Why is he so worried about it... I mean even if everyone told me it is normal to have a female roommate I would still have a problem with it. Just curious if I am abnormal to not be okay with it.
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female
reader, Cammy86 +, writes (20 March 2013):
Hunny, I'm in the same situation, but my situation is a hot mess. I met my boyfriend online we fell for each other right one the spot. He never mentioned that he had a female roommate until he brought me over to his place. I was living with 3 other females at that time, where I had an issue with one of my roommates and had to move out. He gave me signals that he wanted me to move in and so I did (big mistake) After a couple of months living there I didn't notice anything until his roommate started to use our room for her convence. Apparently before I moved in she was always welcomed to use his shower because she didn't have a showerhead in her bath. I didn't care cus I didn't feel threaten. In time I noticed she would barge her self in with out knocking. I would try not to let it get to me, but in the middle of this all I finally put my foot down and told her I didn't feel comfortable sharing my room with her. She understood and implied that nothing is going on between my boyfriend and her. So, then I decided to test the waters with my boyfriend. I took her shower bottles out of our shower and said she can bath in her own bathroom. The minute I did that my boyfriend blew up and cussed at me, insisted that I put her shower bottles back in the shower. I pleaded to my boyfriend with agony that I didn't feel comfortable with her using the shower. He said that I had a problem and that it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. After our argument he insisted on me leaving. Then I knew something wasn't right. After the next day of me crying and pleading for help I decided to leave. He decided he didn't want me to leave and brought his roommate to have a discussion that nothing is going on between them. I felt cornered which put me an awkward situation. My boyfriend and I decided to work things out but I still felt uncomfortable with the whole situation. The next couple of day's I felt sick which was weird. I took a pregnancy test and now I’m pregnant. I told him that I was pregnant he didn’t take it very well and didn’t want to touch me. The next day he said mainance was coming out to look at the apartment and see if a showerhead can be installed. At that moment I didn’t realize what was going on but my boyfriend kept texting me asking what time I was going to work, and I knew his roommate was staying at the apartment the same time he was coming over to talk to manintance. His roommate text me asking if I was coming back to the apartment I never respond and left the situation play out. The next morning I told his roommate I didn’t want her to use our room for anything but the shower when she had confronted that it was silly this whole situation, and I didn’t understand what she was talking about. Then I knew she was in our room using our TV to do her work out session. I also implied that when she was here working out that my boyfriend was also here when maintance came to visit. She said she didn’t know because she was in our room with her music blasted and our bedroom door was shut. She wouldn’t look at me when I was talking and then I knew something was going on. I called my boyfriend and asked if he came to the apartment he said yes around the same time maintacne was suppose to be there but he never got a chance to talk to them. I asked what his roommate was doing he implied that she was using the shower. I know I sound crazy but I’m not stupid in this whole act. There has been a couple of times where I would come home really late from work and he would be in bed naked with his door wide open while she’s in her bedroom next door. I questioned him about that and he said that she’s never seen him naked but I don’t believe that. There’s also been a time where I would come home from work early and shes home in her bed room and he’s getting un dressed to take a shower with our bed room door and bathroom door wide open. After all of this head each I finally got to see his ugly side and finally moved out. Conclusion to this story is after all of this drama he’s finally moving out the apartment and she’s moving as well both are going their separate was. I’m relived but at the same time I’m very confused because we are on a break but he wants to get our own place. So since I’m involved and in to deep I can’t leave the man. I think every situation is different it’s the way how you preceive it and handle the situation. That’s something I need to work on and I believe if the relationship is worth hanging on to, then try working things out if your boyfriend just doesn’t want to reason with you. Then you know what to do…. For give me I'm a horrible speller
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): I personally wouldn't want my girlfriend having a male roommate because there would be no reason for it especially if it's after we have met. Beforehand, it would all depend upon the circumstances.
The only possible thing that I could think of with this is the fact that maybe having a female around him more often would make him more prone to realize that he has a good woman; that's just a possibility and without knowing him my opinion.
I would let him know that either she doesn't move in and if she does, then your relationship is over with. On the flip side, it is his house also and since you have no stake in it, then you kind of can't tell him what to do in this situation and just have the ability to express your opinion. He needs to respect you also and if he sees that this bothers you, he needs to also take that into consideration.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, since I did not try to stir things up for my case... He did say he wouldn't have her move in. No actually what was said is that he would "consider it". Yet he still wants to see her sunday to discuss the room... For research. About the female friends, I never said anything about him not having them and I honestly had no clue where that even came from. I said I didn't want him to have a female roommate and then all of the sudden he was upset that he couldn't hang out with girls, as if living with one is the same thing as talking to one on occassion. And once again, nothing was ever mentioned about close girl friends this entire time but now he is freaking out and worried because he won't be able to have them? I'm not even saying he can't, I'm just confused about why it is so damn important now when only a couple girls were ever mentioned (that I knew about and was okay with...) I mean is it about non existant girls that he may want to be friends with one day that he's scared I would be keeping him from? Makes no sense to me. Still don't understand the freak out about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Let's get a few facts correct here. First, there was absolutely no cover up. The instant the subject came up that we were able to talk face to face about it, I mentioned it was a female. Second, I have already decided to NOT allow a female roommate given her reaction to the matter and my gf knows I have made this decision (yet she fails to mention it here in order to stir up support for her case). My problem NOW is that she won't even allow me to have a female friend. She is so insecure in herself that she can't handle the thought of me even talking to another woman and that bothers me.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 March 2010):
His ex's never had a problem with it? Yet they are all ex's. Maybe they had more of a problem then they wanted to let on. There are two issues here. Firstly, the issue of him having female friends. There is no problem with him having female friends. Ever. He can be friends with other woman, just as you can be friends with other guys. It's important to have friends of the opposite sex anyway, because it gives you a greater understanding of them. It would not be healthy for your boyfriend to have you as the only female in his life. And it would not be healthy for you to have only him as the only male in your life.
However, him living with another woman is quite different. Especially after he initially covered it up. It'll only be a matter of time before something happens. If you've ever seen Friends, with the episode where Joey has a female move in as his room mate you'll understand. Eventually, something will happen. Give him an ultimatum, you or the roomie. And mean it. You'll soon know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Nope, you are not abnormal at all. You are perfectly ok in not feeling good about this. If I were in your place, even I would have freaked out. It's just not RIGHT that he wants to live with a female roommate. Seriously.... even though it's not outright cheating, it still is something similar. Might turn into ANYTHING overnight, even if he's totally devoted to you. He might get seduced by her etc. All in all, it's not appropriate for a guy who's in a relationship. If he truly loves you and is serious about your feelings, he wouldn't be acting this way! Having lady friends is one thing, but living with a girl is something completely different and wayy more serious!
Give him a condition: either you, or this female roommate!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Hi - well when I met my boyfriend (he was 28 at at the time and I was 33) he was house sharing with another woman. I found it very hard to get my head around it all too - particularly as when I first walked into their house her underwear was drying on the radiator. It was a bit off putting! However I realised that they were absolutely just friends - indeed this other girl had a boyfriend. Though my boyfriend said that hers didn't particularly like him. I was not surprised. However in your situation your boyfriend is doing this after he's met you - so the circumstances are slightly different. He is already trying to cover things up a little - and then, making YOU feel bad about your own feelings! Feelings you are completely entitled to. Why let a girl into his living space? I would feel threatened if I were you. Its his response to your feelings which is the give-away that he does not really care about you. If he knew it bothered you (which it was obviously going to and he knew it by the cover up wording) then why do it at all. Why not just consider guys sharing? I would dump him. The reason I say this is that I have never, ever quite trusted my boyfriend because that is the way we started our relationship and he has always had lots of female friends I never seem to meet. I don't recommend putting up with it - hopefully I won't be for much longer.
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A
female
reader, yuridesu  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 you're too good for him, leave that jerk.
he sounds like he doesnt respect you like he should.
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