A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This afternoon, my boyfriend texted me a video of his sister and nieces and nephews singing Happy Birthday to his mom. I love his mom and she is super nice to me.Once I saw that video, I went online to order his mom a $80 USD fruit basket to be delivered the same day. To me, that's expensive, but I wanted to let his mom know how much I care about her. I told him about it and told him that they would be delivering around 6:00pm in the evening. I was hoping he'd be at home to accept the fruit basket, tell his mom it's from us, and take a pic to show me. Instead, he decided suddenly to drive out to the city, in traffic, to meet up with his friend for a quick bite. He calls me to tell me this on his way to the city wanting me to accompany him... I was at work. However, my position is flexible, so I was able to talk on the phone with him. It takes him almost 2 hours to get to the city. I just didn't understand why he had to go to the city especially in traffic, which is definitely not his norm as he hates being in traffic. I don't understand why he can't wait until after the fruit basket to arrive and when traffic frees up to go to the city. I tell him all that and his response was : "It's just a fruit basket, no big deal. It's not like she doesn't know it's from you. I don't have to be there you know, my mom can just get it and eat it and if there's any left overs I'll eat some when I get home at night."I found that to be hurtful and unappreciative. He never used to be like that... when we first met, anything and everything I gave him or his family, he was so happy and appreciated it so much. Now, it's like everything is no big deal. Why is that?Would you be hurt if someone said that to you or am I over reacting?Thanks in advance for your replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): Hi Trisha,OP here.. Yes, now I understand he didn't really mean it the way it sounded.. that the fruit basket isn't a big deal. He actually spontaneously decided to drive to meet his friend after I told him about the fruit basket and about 2 hours prior to the basket arriving. But it's ok and over with.. I just made a fuss but am all fine now. :)We spend quite a bit of time together. So it's almost half of the year apart and half of the year together. We are closing the distance end of next year. We do treat each other very nicely. He makes a lot of hand crafts for me just because I liks it but he dreads it. He is planning a weekend getaway for my birthday in October and when he visited in August, he brought my mom some expensive Chinese herbs. I also am very thoughtful and attentive to his family.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2015):
 He sounds like a very nice boyfriend and I would ease up on him not being perfect all the time. Do
He wanted to spend time with a friend of his. I think that's nice.
You sent the basket to his mother, not to him. And it's from you, not from you and him. That's a nice gesture too. I would carry on being nice because it's the right thing to do, not because he's expected to react in a certain way to it.
I think you are overreacting if you take what he said as hurtful. I expect he may have been a bit exasperated with you. After all, you ordered the basket without clearing the timing with him. He had made other plans. You may be putting too much emphasis on him sticking to his "norm." I mean, just because he normally doesn't like traffic doesn't mean he wouldn't brave it to be with a good friend, right?
How much time do you get to spend together in real life (IRL)? And when will the distance be closed? Does he do nice things for you and your family too?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2015): I'm the OP here...He lives with his family. I guess I was used to him being THERE to receive the gifts and hand them to his family members. A few months ago, when it was his aunt's birthday, I also sent her a fruit basket. He was very excited and asked what time the basket will arrive and made sure he was home and took pictures of the basket and everyone enjoying the fruit sticks. This is why I thought he would do the same this time.My intention is not to post it on social media or any of that. We are in a long distance relationship, so I really enjoy seeing the item delivered and seeing/knowing the family is enjoying the fruits. It makes me feel closer as if I'm there. Not sure if that makes sense or I'm just weird. Because we are long distance, my boyfriend and I use a lot of pictures and visuals to help us feel as if we are there in person. We buy the same meal for dinner and exchange pictures of what we eat, what we're doing etc.He recently went and bought a bracelet for my birthday. He couldn't keep it a secret and actually wore it on his wrist and took a picture to show me. Then at night, he web cammed me again to show me. He was excited and wanted me to be excited with him as well. I totally understand that because that is how I feel as well.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 September 2015):
 I'm a bit confused. Was the fruit basket a gift to his mother as a gesture of love towards her, or was it something you did for appreciation FROM her and him?
There's a big distinction.
You gave the basket to his mom, not to him. Why are you expecting your boyfriend to have anything to do with the delivery process? Why can't SHE accept the fruit basket and call you and tell you thanks? And why the picture? Were you hoping to post it to social media to display your gesture?
To be honest, you expecting your boyfriend to play this role in your gift to his mother looks extremely self-aggrandizing, meaning you're doing this to make yourself look good and collect the "fruits" (no pun intended!) of that goodwill. That actually makes you look bad and high-maintenance to expect this.
What you did IS good for his mom. Instead of expecting anything from your boyfriend, take the opportunity to increase the relationship with his mom. The best kind gestures are the UNKNOWN ones. He may be acting less "appreciative" because they're happening too much, AND he may feel like they're becoming manipulative gestures.
Back off of the gifts and gestures to him. Be kind in a subtle nature. Spend time with his mom if you have your own relationship with her. Don't seek approval and don't make appreciation the loyalty litmus test.
Give him a chance to do something nice for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 I think you are overreacting.
I don't think he meant to say that your gift is not a big deal and means nothing, and I don't think that he meant that he does not appreciate you being so nice to think of his Mom's birthday and spending all that money on her. That was really kind of you and I am sure he appreciates both the thought and the money effort behind it.
But- come on, he is right , at least I see it like him : it's a fruit basket !, not an Ambassador from a foreign country !
Your bf does not need to be stuck at home for receiving officially the basket with bugle taos, if he fancies going out or had other plans . His Mom ( who's the recipient of the gift anyway !) can open the door, read the card which went with the basket, admire it, unwrap it and eat it. I don't see what your bf ( who is NOT the birthday boy ) has got to do with this. If he had happened to be home, nice- but that he has to stay home to see your fruit basket arriving , WHY ?? The birthday lady has been happy and apprecative regardless, I bet.
You say you hoped he stayed home to take a pic of the basket ; but , come on, no offense, isn't that a bit princessish of you ? wanting him to give up seeing his friends or going get a bite or changing his plans anyway .... because you wanted a pic of the fruit basket ? !.... Well, but... if having the pic was so important to you, then why didn't you ask the basket maker to take a pic and send it back to you before shipping the basket ? Or, more simply, why did n't you call your MIL around delivery time telling her : I am sending something for you, would you mind taking a pic of it so I can see it too ?
Really- if this is all the lack of appreciation and the indifference you are facing in your relationship- you have nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Sorry but I think you are over reacting a wee bit. As thoughtful as your gesture was, you can't really expect someone to get on board the excitement train in the same manner or assume that they should be accommodating to your expectation of it should be received. It was your idea after all and You were only hoping remember. Catching up with a friend is far more exciting than waiting around for a bunch of fruit. He wanted to spend time with you not the fruit how can that not make you feel appreciated?
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