A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 9 years older than me and we have been together for just over 3 years. When we met he was 36 and he seemed really full of life and we had so much fun! We talked about everything and anything and had sex a lot.He will be 40 in a couple of months and I think he's getting a bit depressed about it. I don't find that old and I've had boyfriends that have been over 40 before.He keeps putting himself down, he doesn't work out or go to the gym but he has a good body. He has really thick dark hair, no greys which I'm envious of as I have loads! But he keeps saying he's lost his looks and he's fat.I get asked for ID sometimes because I look a lot younger than I am and he finds it embarrassing because he feels he looks so much older. He said people will think he's a pervert going out with a young girl.He's lost interest in sex, he seems tired all of the time, he doesn't talk half as much as he used to. It's making me feel sad and sometimes I feel like I've done something wrong as he's never in a lively happy mood any more.Do a lot of men, or women! go through this when they hit 40? I felt a bit panicky getting to 30 but not on this scale. What can I say to him to get him to stop feeling like this. Do a lot of people feel this way!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): My husband hit forty a year ago. I'll follow in two years :)
It is a change... even for men. He was always athletic (mostly cycling and swimming), but now he started running and looks better than ever. More importantly he feels better than ever. He became a vegan (I've been one practically all of my life) and started working on certain issues he has had all of his life. I guess he felt a load off when he hit 40. He realized that he has been pushing himself too hard and that he will never become "perfect" achieve "greatness". Now he gets to take care of himself more and enjoys life more.
I am sure that it is just a question of how we look at things. If he's not clinging to staying a boy for the rest of his life, being 40 can be fun :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): Hi, thank you for getting back to me. I think you are right about all of this. I think his testosterone is dropping quite a lot and it's getting to him.The other day I asked him what was wrong and he just told me that he thinks he's useless as he can't perform in bed like he used to. To be honest it's not even the sex that's bothering me it's the fact that he is always putting himself down. We used to have such a good time together, laughing and messing around and I miss that more than anything.He said that he is going to try and sort out his diet and cut back on alcohol. He doesn't have a drink problem but we do sometimes drink more than we should on the weekend. I can drink more than he can these days and he gets drunk quite quickly.I've suggested us going out for walks, we live in a beautiful part of the world with lots of mountains around us and he seems really keen on doing that. So hopefully getting a bit fitter will help.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 I felt panicky in my early 30s when during a game I suddenly realized that I am no longer good enough to be on the field playing competitive sports. So like your guy, I became depressed and just could not get over the fact of how the news "You are old" was broken to me.
It was mental, sort of like melancholy that a phase of life, which I loved and thought it was just how stuff is, suddenly changed, and the new me was not natural, but artificial. After some time, though, people settle into the new role and the new reality sets in. So with your guy, after some time.
However, once in their 40s, men undergo hormonal changes as well - they have less of them. So their sleep is shorter because the body does not produce melatonin as much, and the next day they maybe sluggish, tired, annoyed...
Then the testosterone levels drop, and there goes the mood, strength, physical action, focus, creativity... Some men loose interest in sex.
There is nothing that you can say for these things to change. These feelings are derived from bodily changes, not words. Some men do nothing about this and allow the situation to keep deteriorating.
Others, look at it as a challenge to overcome so they buy a supplement stack and get into the gym in order to produce more of testosterone, muscle and endorphins to counter their mood. So basically, one way to tackle this is not to talk about it but by changing the lifestyle so that the focus on it displaces the melancholy that may linger.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 January 2016):
 Birthdays with a zero always a bit more of a milestone that those in between. If he is starting to become depressed then exercise is paramount. It probably doesn't matter what kind to begin with. Some people can't stand gyms. I like swimming but hate swimming pools. Walking and cycling are two of the cheapest and best. Jogging ruins your knees.
They say every year try something new and at 40 there is no better time to take up this approach to life. Remind him that these days 40 isn't old. We are all living a lot longer now and the longer we live the longer we will live due to medical science innovations.
Having you, a youthful 30 like you on his arm should make him feel proud. He needs to make sure he is worthy of you. Get him out and involved: classes, exercise, perhaps some travel.
If he starts getting really low then get him some CBT before it gets too bad.
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