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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I love him. I thought I knew all there was to know about his history when he revealed to me he had taken part in a swinger's party when he was younger. Whoa, hold on a minute Fred!!! I was tongue tied and shocked to say the least. I had a strict upbringing, lost my virginity to my first husband and although I am by no means a prude, I am really against swinging. I have my reasons and morals and nobody can convince me otherwise. He told me this about 2 months ago and I have been trying to accept it and live with it. I know it is in his past but I am struggling to put it to bed. My problem with the whole thing is he will grow bored of me sexually or need more than I can provide in a committed, monogamous relationship. He tried it once, who is to say he will not want to do it again? He told me he did it but did not like it and never did it again. But I don't know if this is true or not and he is just saying it for damage control. I will never know what he did at that party. I suppose he never told me this before knowing my views and morality. But I find it deceptive to learn about way after the fact. Do you think that our morals are not aligned? If so, that would make us incompatible, right? Would you want to possibly marry a man who did this? Could this be a dealbreaker?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2022): Whoa, you're 35, been around the block - so to speak - and BF's one time swinger party is a game changer? Say it it aint so, Mary Beth. I'd be give me details. Most of us have to read fiction about this stuff. Put it in your fantasy bank. Tom Brady might move next door. Your new guy: come on Tom, join our prayer group, Sister Mary Beth made some scones.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (29 March 2022):
 I think that swinging or bringing a third party into a relationship never ends well, just look back on previous posts here at DC and you will see it always ends in a bad way.
I am not saying that this is going to happen in your case. This is something that he did in his past, and lets face it we all have a past no matter who we are.
He told you he tried it, then said he diden't like it and will probably never try it again. I think that unless the subject comes up again, or he say's he wants to try it again then i would just believe him when he says he diden't like it and leave it at that.
I really is down to you on whether or not you are willing to get over going to a swingers party in his past. In my opinion, if my partner told me they did this, but it was many years ago, and they have never done anything like that since i would be ok with this.
If you can't let go of this, if its going to keep playing on your mind then probably best to let him go and get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 March 2022):
 "Could this be a dealbreaker?"
That is entirely up to you and YOUR preferences and boundaries.
"He tried it once, who is to say he will not want to do it again? He told me he did it but did not like it and never did it again."
That is a possibility. Let's say he "thought" it would be like in porns and reality was less "what can I call it?" crass? Maybe he couldn't get it up? Or the men and women there were .... well, not young and hot or it just felt weird.
Who knows?!
"I will never know what he did at that party. "
Probably not. And really, it's none of your business. Besides, I don't think you would believe him even if he told you the whole truth. Why? Because there is no way you can verify it. And he might also have changed his mind about it over time. As in, AT THE time he thought it could be OH so cool and hot to do and now he just feels sleazy for remembering it. You know?
He was younger and probably also dumber then. He thought it was something cool to do. Then found out that nah, it really wasn't. It was kinda grody.
The thing is, with knowing this now, do you respect him less? Trust him less?
If so, well that is something to consider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): It's very important to you that the world understands that you are virtuous and it looks to me as though you are shaken to the core that you boyfriend once found himself at a swingers party and swung!
You've completely overlooked that he told you he didn't enjoy the experience.
Why should be enjoy he?
He probably got coupled up with someone he found physically a bit repulsive and then to conform to expectations he had to stand like a man and do the deed.
If he went with friends he would have felt it very ungentelmanly to say to his 'key partner' : look I came here to see what goes on and I didn't expect to be coupled with someone as ugly as you so I'm leaving! "
I guess he could have felt violently sick and headed for the door but he didnt!
Now you are revolted by him!
His purity is tarnished and you believe nothing he said.
I'd like to know how he could have possibly told you before the fact!
He'd have had to have super powers to locate you prior to your commitment to each other in order to say : hello future partner I have got to try to be sexy with someone I have no feelings for other than a sense of drunkenness and nausea.
As purity is very important to you maybe you should be looking for someone on an equal level of purity to yourself because you will drive anyone else crazy with your impossible demands.
That isn't a criticism of you.
With the correct guy for you, your confidence wouldn't shatter so completely I hope.
If you both begin with a blank slate you can't accuse him of a wondering eye or defilement for past acts because they will be non-existent so both of you will hopefully be equally happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): It's very important to you that the world understands that you are virtuous and it looks to me as though you are shaken to the core that you boyfriend once found himself at a swingers party and swung!You've completely overlooked that he told you he didn't enjoy the experience.Why should be enjoy he?He probably got coupled up with someone he found physically a bit repulsive and then to conform to expectations he had to stand like a man and do the deed.If he went with friends he would have felt it very ungentelmanly to say to his 'key partner' : look I came here to see what goes on and I didn't expect to be coupled with someone as ugly as you so I'm leaving! " I guess he could have felt violently sick and headed for the door but he didnt!Now you are revolted by him!His purity is tarnished and you believe nothing he said.I'd like to know how he could have possibly told you before the fact!He'd have had to have super powers to locate you prior to your commitment to each other in order to say : hello future partner I have got to try to be sexy with someone I have no feelings for other than a sense of drunkenness and nausea.As purity is very important to you maybe you should be looking for someone on an equal level of purity to yourself because you will drive anyone else crazy with your impossible demands.That isn't a criticism of you.With the correct guy for you, your confidence wouldn't shatter so completely I hope.If you both begin with a blank slate you can't accuse him of a wondering eye or defilement for past acts because they will be non-existent so both of you will hopefully be equally happy.
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