A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I could really do with some help about my relationship.I have a boyfriend who I often see as this incredible and wonderful person, we share so many traits and we really get along so much of the time. The issue is, over time I've become increasingly concerned about the long term viability of the relationship. My main concerns can roughly be summed up as him having personal issues which largely stem around himself. He has ADHD (and I might too, getting tested soon) and he often ends up only really thinking about himself in a few various different ways which I'll keep private for anonymity. As a result he acts very impulsively and selfishly around certain topics... even after multiple really serious conversations about how some of it is really not acceptable in a viable 2 person relationship.. but it's like he completely forgets these major promises within either hours or days. I just want him to focus less on these few specific aspects of life and more on the bigger parts of life, partly because I'd love him to mature and grow up a little, partly because I want him to have some healthier attitudes towards both himself and how he projects feelings onto others but mostly because I just don't want our life together to be these same 3 things about himself in an unending cycle of frustration and stagnation.It's getting so bad within my internal headspace that I think I may actually be starting to find him less attractive overall because of it. I just want us to be normal human beings who live normal, varied lives... but it's almost like he doesn't want to do anything different. That it's fine to just be one or two single things and to revolve our entire lives around it. Every conversation we seem to have ends up talking about 1 of these few things, and even though we share certain passions, it's like his entire identity seems to just revolve around it and every conversation being about it in some way is driving me mad.Am I being a massive a**hole? Am I being overbearing? Am I justified for wanting him to be more than what he is? I really don't know what to do. I really feel a lot of emotion for him and we so often see ourselves spending a lifetime together.. but I don't want a lifetime of me chasing after his personal problems.. Please help.... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): FYI, according to some very reliable scientific studies, people may not reach psychological-maturity and develop good-judgement until they're about 25!
Having a good upbringing, adequate education, and mentorship may help you to accelerate your maturing process; but nature still has to take its course.
You may be an over-achiever, or a highly disciplined person; but you can't dwell (or harp) on the weaknesses or faults of others; when they don't live-up to your standards. You have the option to reject those who don't match your values, standards, or principles. If people don't show the measure of ambition or intellect you find acceptable; it's not your place to change them. You move on, and go seek the kind of guy you consider your best match.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): It seems to me that you're incompatible. There may be many things you might have in common, and you may find each-other attractive; but maybe you don't think on the same levels.
You also have to understand that there isn't necessarily something wrong with somebody; just because they don't see eye to eye with you on everything. His values may not entirely sync with yours. You might be too serious or disciplined; while he's more down-to-earth and layback. He likes what he likes, and he centers most of his attention on those things. He might have what you'd consider a "one-track" mind, but who assigned you to be his mother or trainer? That's where you're incompatible.
It's possible that you're trying too hard to change him. You can discuss things with people, you can try to compromise; but you don't have a right to change people to live-up to your expectations, or force them to behave in a way you find more acceptable. That's being controlling, or bordering on narcissism. Not saying you are, but it's to be considered.
Just like you, he's gay. It's likely he's consciously (or subconsciously) being resistant; because most of his life people (society) have tried to make him conform to what they think is normal, or how they believe he should behave. That doesn't change just because you're gay too! He has been conditioned throughout his life to fight to maintain his own identity; and that could make it hard for him to differentiate when you're trying to help him stop doing whatever it is that you don't want to mention. Even if whatever it is he's continuously doing that might be self-harming, affecting the relationship, or could be illegal. I suspect it's a habit of some kind; or an activity you don't personally care to participate in. He's a grown-man, he does whatever he wants now that he's out fending for himself.
You have to keep searching, until you find someone who has a personality that fits all your criteria. Someone who possesses all the particular qualities and character-traits you're looking for. Someone who doesn't practice habits, indulge in certain activities; or have certain proclivities, you don't find suitable or acceptable. You don't/can't nag them until they conform to your demands! What gives you the right to?
People are not like cars, you can't customize and rebuild them to fit your own taste and style. They have to come "factory-equipped" with all the qualities you're looking for in a guy. You don't get to do a makeover, or reconstruct someone else's personality. If you find yourself always having to correct or change him; it's proof you're incompatible. Besides, he will get tired of you always criticizing him!
He is not defined by his issue with ADHD. He's also person, with his own unique personality. There may be times he has trouble prioritizing, organizing, or staying on-track; but that doesn't change the core of who he is as a person, or what he likes or dislikes. Trying to drill things into his head, or make him do things that don't come natural to him, will only frustrate you. It's not up to you to decide how he should go about living his life; no more than it's up to him to tell you what to do, or how to think!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): In a way I think you are asking the impossible.
He is going to remain impulsive and selfish.
ADDH is a recognised medical condition for a reason.
The person has to live with the limitations of their condition.
Emotionally he wants to please you so he agreed to everything but then he forgets all the promises he made.
Quite possibly he has memory problems and literally forgets the past conversations.
He is probably not turning a blind eye to everything you said and he is probably not choosing to forget.
These are his limitations.
The only way to deal with this is to change your expectations and be grateful for the presence your boyfriend has in your life and accept that he didn't choose his condition.
He just has to live with it too.
You are lucky if it doesn't frustrate him that he forgets things too rapidly and obsesses about other things.
People with disabilities have a part to play in life.
Look at Stevie Wonder who was born blind but became a gifted, talented and successful muscician.
The rest of the world can hardly string a note together or make beautiful lyrics yet he managed to combine both talents!
Acceptance is needed by everyone so you must try to figure out all the bits that you are truly grateful for in your life and his.
As people say, " You have to make the most of what you've got! "
If you can't love him and feel that you are just a carer then you could try to end the romantic relationship so that he can find someone he is more suited to.
It always used to frustrate me when people would say: You can't see the wood for the trees! "
Of course it is a play on words and means that you have overlooked the broader issues.
But I used to think it depended entirely on what angle a person was looking from and wonder if they were meaning "the wood, such as used for floorboards, and if so, how was I expected to know they meant someone had chopped a tree down with a chainsaw and made freshly cut wood and if so why didn't they say that instead of using a fancy expression to confuse me?
So it's quite possible your partner has coping mechanisms such as agreeing to everything that's "said in a certain tone" so as not to offend them!
It will be difficult to find common ground sometimes but that's life for you!
As you are finding it difficult for yourself perhaps you should find other outlets for your conscious mind!
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