A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend keeps throwing my things away without asking me or, worse, even after I have told him not to. We live in a relatively small flat and don’t have a lot of space so he thinks it’s ok to just throw things away that he thinks are taking up space or aren’t important. I have just discovered that he’s thrown our laundry basket away! We only bought it a year ago and I told him I use it to get washing out of the machine (it was collapsible anyway!) but he has ignored me and thrown it away. It’s not the first time either - a few months back I discovered some of my CDs in the bin outside and he routinely chucks away vouchers or things that I have deliberately left out so I remember them.I really don’t know what to do. I find it so disrespectful and I have told him that when he has done it before. I feel like throwing away some of his stuff to give him a taste of his own medicine, but I don’t really want to escalate the problem. What should I do?! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2018): Not hearing both sides, we can only rely on conjecture and speculation; and the presumption that you're being truthful and forthcoming.
I'm picking up a couple of things. I suspect your boyfriend is a clean-freak and doesn't like clutter. What you refuse to put away, store, or file-away...he'll toss! The CD's are likely not his taste; and since you won't part with them, he'll save you the trouble. He has no right to do that!!!
You say the place is small. If he has complained to you about neatness, clutter, or organization; he's taking it upon himself to punish you by tossing it away altogether.
I'm not siding with him. I'm just looking at it from more than one side. He has no right to put his hands on your personal-property (particularly receipts or coupons!) without discussing it with you. You have the exclusive right to dispose of what belongs to you; I don't care whose place it is, or was first! How dare he!!!
It seems he is the type of person who makes unilateral decisions. They usually have a "my-way or the highway" attitude, and don't compromise on anything. That's a huge red-flag! In my opinion, a deal-breaker! When you have to visit the same argument or problem time and time again, without solution or compromise; that's incompatibility.
He has a mean-streak, and he considers himself self-righteously empowered to dispose of things that aren't his in the first place. That's disrespectful and vindictive. So it's up to you to decide if that's a trait you can live with. I wouldn't be surprised if these incidents occur shortly after arguments or disagreements.
Establish yourself a closet, storage area, or file where you can keep your small belongings. I recommend you buy yourself a little lock-box (with key) or safe from a discount store, to keep things locked-away. He can't toss what isn't exposed to be tossed. Then you need to sit-down and explain to him that taking it upon himself to throwaway what belongs to you without even discussing it with you shows total disrespect and meanness that you're not sure you can tolerate. Ask him point-blank why he feels he is justified to do such a thing? Insist on a feasible answer! Listen to his explanation.
If you don't get one, here's one for you. He's a disrespectful assh*le!
If necessary, consider getting your own place. It is likely you're going to keep the boyfriend no matter what; but someone who has it in their character to toss your belongings isn't likely to change. Getting a larger place isn't going to make any difference. Squeezing two full-grown adults into a tiny apartment is a disaster for a relationships anyway! You need breathing-room. What's next, is he going to toss you on-top of the trash-pile?
You might not admit it, but you may be disorganized or untidy. Be that the case, cleanup your act; if you insist on living with a person who's apt to throw your stuff away. if he can get his hands on it. It seems to me he's putting you out...bit by bit!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 November 2018):
 You know how he is. Do you stay and accept it or leave and keep your stuff?
Coupons? Keep them in your purse - leaving them out is clutter.
CDs? Buy a CD case that holds all of the discs in and get rid of the cases if you don’t have room for a CD rack.
Laundry basket? Yeah, that makes no sense to throw away.
If you live in a small flat, you need less stuff and effective storage. He shouldn’t throw your stuff out without your permission - that said, you need to have less stuff, if it’s cluttering the place up or there’s no room for it.
If you both can’t compromise, you can’t live together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2018): I guess I would throw caution to the wind and give something of his to the charity shop so that he can understand how it feels.Or if,you can't bring yourself to appropriate something of his then just 'fake it' to see how he reacts when he finds his treasured object is gone.You could try words before this action and tell hin outright that his over cleaning (by removing your stuff) is pushing you away and each time he does it he is symbolically breaking up your relationship.It seems parochial at least if he "clears" your stuff away.It would be better if he could learn to keep his fingers to himself.Unless of course he is clumsy and had a 'laundry-basket accident' before throwing a broken bit of rubbish into the bin!Did he pee in it?Ask him at dinner next time you eat together and at least have a laugh at his possibly guilty reaction, or horriffied response.Then make a point of buying the biggest and most ostentatious laundry basket you can find and give it to him for xmas because you know he needs one.It might be best to make a joke out of his kicking it all to the curb for now, but if he really can't change, then his laundry basket will have to hit the bin in New Year!Better still get two laundry baskets and keep one for yourself.Eventually you will both reach a point of compromise.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 November 2018):
 Was it HIS flat before you moved in? How long have you lived together? Is he used to living on his own? Is he fanatically tidy? All these things could be relevant to his behaviour.
With the coupons etc, I would make a point of putting them in your purse straight away. In that way you won't forget them but neither will he be able to throw them away.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (16 November 2018):
 he sounds like like he has got some form of OCD. I mean the the laundry basket, seriously!!! that is obviously needed to put washing in after a wash, so now you have nothing to put it in, im sorry but that dosen't make any sense atal.
As for your CD's, well if they were not your's you would never throw them away if they were someone elses property. I think he has got some form of OCD problem, and maybe he needs some help, because this is just not normal behaviour.
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