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female
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*werty_
writes: My boyfriend treats me like a child, the kind that should be seen and not heard.He likes to talk to me about his subject, science, which is great, but ignores me when I want to talk to him about something I know that he doesn't. When we're in a group of three he'll talk to the other person endlessly about a subject I know nothing about and I end up sitting there silently until they finish, which usually marks the end of the meeting. He underestimates my intelligence and general knowledge by explaining the simplest things to me, and although I usually reply in a way that indicates that I already know what it is, sometimes I have to cut him off to do that. Then he'll say in the most unbelievably patronising voice, "Aww; you're so smart!" and give me a kiss. He used to literally pat me on the head. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): I wouldn't tell you to split up with him, that would be stupid advice.
Instead you need to ask yourself why you put up with his condescending behaviour. There is a reason why you allow this to happen. Have you thought what this could be? Have you had experiences in the past that have made you feel inferior? Perhaps you are settling for this relationship because you don't believe you could meet someone better?
The goal to getting through this situation is to realise why you are allowing yourself to be treated in this way.
Do you know that the longer you remain in this harming situation, the more your own self-confidence will be ruined? Look after yourself ok? :)
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 He is insecure about his own abilities really, and makes himself feel better by putting you down and patronising you. Relationships should be about equals really and he is the real 'child' in your relationship. He demonstrates his scientific expertise in such a way as to say 'look at me, I know something you don't' but what he really means to do is make himself look superior because there is something sadly lacking in other aspects of his personality.
If he works in a scientific or University environment then I can understand why he is just like that (it is not an excuse though). Many people in science careers are just the same sort of people - desperate to get noticed, in a permanent competition to 'be the best' through what they know but they lack fundamental social skills to be known for anything but their subject of expertise. Because of their way of relating to each other professionally, they are like a bunch of overgrown 10 year olds fighting to be top of the pile, and practising their 'put down' sarcastic lines at every opportunity. Unfortunately they don't know when to shut off and often take it into their personal lives. Of course not everyone is like this, but science and Uni. environments do promote this culture (certainly I have worked with some very odd people in medical research).
As for your relationship, you have to try to talk to him about it when he is away from other people. If he insults you in public, return it to him on his own level - if he feels humiliated then he may have some understanding of what you experience.
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