A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I apologize but this is probably going to be very long. My boyfriend and I were together for just under 2 years. We fell fast and hard for each other. After dating for five months, he moved in with me. Everything was great. We were so in love, adored each other and began talking about marriage and buying a home together. One night, a year into the relationship, he was using my Facebook while I was on business travel. Apparently Facebook has a feature in the “activity log” settings where you can see people that you’ve searched. He saw that I had been searching a guy that I had casually dated quite often. Sometimes multiple times a day for a while. The guy was never my boyfriend, and I don’t even know why I was searching his profile so often. I guess it was me being nosy and curious and then it turned into a habit. Until my bf brought it to my attention, I didn’t realize how often I was doing it…it had become a habit. I can say with 200% certainty that I had no interest in reconciling, seeing or even communicating with this guy. I was looking up his profile and that’s it. Foolishly and selfishly, I obviously wasn’t putting myself in my boyfriend’s position when I was looking up this guy’s profile, but once my bf brought it to my attention I realized how hurtful this was for my boyfriend. I blocked the guy from my FB and never looked him up again. There was never any contact, messages, text messaging, nothing like that. I had no desire for that. My boyfriend didn’t believe me and this whole situation ate away at him and our relationship suffered tremendously. He assumed that he was 2nd best to me and that given the chance, I would be with this other guy. This is COMPLETELY UNTRUE. I absolutely love and adore my boyfriend and, while I was obviously interested in what this other guy was up to, I had no desire for him whatsoever.I lost my boyfriend’s trust and the next several months were extremely difficult. I didn’t know how to gain his trust back, so I did everything I could think of to show him how much I loved and valued him. I would ALWAYS put him first, put his wants ahead of mine, cater to him, do favors for him, dote on him, send him cute texts, etc. I also gave him access to my Facebook, laptop and phone when he wanted to. After a few months, I became resentful of him still not trusting me. In my mind, I was doing everything I could to fix what I had done! I was showing him love, putting him first, allowing him to go through my personal stuff, etc. But still, he couldn’t get over it.He continued to tell me he loves me and that I’m perfect, but he just couldn’t get over what I had done and he couldn’t trust me. He felt that I was cheating on him emotionally, which I understand to a point, but I think the fact that there was no communication with this other guy is significant. I kept telling him over and over, tried to convince him that despite searching this guy so often, that I honestly had no romantic interest with him. There was no way for me to prove this to my boyfriend and the constant convincing got exhausting and frustrating. My bf would torture me with this, making me cry literally almost every day. We started to argue constantly. I would do everything I could think of to show him love and it was reciprocated very little. I grew resentful and frustrated. I was very direct with him and tell him that I didn’t feel special and I felt like we needed to start rebuilding our relationship. The arguing just got worse and my boyfriend would leave and check into a hotel for a night or two a few times a month for the past few months, but would always come back. Finally, about three weeks ago, he moved out and got his own apartment. We broke up. At first I realized that this was probably necessary b/c we needed a change. We were stagnant, frustrated, constantly at each other’s throats, and our relationship was falling apart. Neither one of us were happy. I feel such a huge loss because I really do love him and I know he loves me too. I know our relationship hit rock bottom, but I still feel hope for us. The first week or so, I tried so hard not to call or text him and somehow I was able to stick to it. In the past week, however, he began texting me again. He asked if he could come over to see our dog (my dog really) and I let him. He was here for about 90 minutes. Before he left he insisted that I hug him. We hugged for a long, long time and he kissed me on the lips a few times. About an hour after he got home, he called me and we talked for a half hour. The next night he called again and we spoke for almost 2 hours. Now, I just don’t know what to do, what to think or how to feel. I know I was wrong to search that other guy, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. I don’t mean to downplay the hurt I caused my bf, but I think he was very wrong to torture me about it for so long. (And yes, I guess, I could have left. I guess I allowed him to do it) I know my boyfriend and I still love each other and we have the potential to have a great relationship if we can somehow figure out a way to get over this.I don’t know how to take his calls and texts. Does he miss me? Is he just messing with me? Should I tell him that I miss him and I miss us? I love him and want a future with him. I know he loves me too. We were best friends and were great complements to each other. I’ve never been so certain about loving someone in my life. He would say the same. But now I just don’t know what to think or do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): OP here - I TOTALLY understand how awful this looks from his point of view, but as someone else said, it's very frustrating how no matter what I say, he doesn't believe that he is 2nd to this other guy. HE'S NOT!He came over last weekend and we had a nice few hours together, talking and catching up. I couldn't help but cry because I missed him so much and it felt so wrong that we hadn't seen each other in several weeks. He spent the night. We hugged, snuggled and he kissed me a couple of times, but there was no sex. The next morning, I had to leave for a business trip and we've been texting every day since. He told me the next day that he thinks we are better together than we are apart, but he's not sure if I'm able to be brutally honest enough with him to save us. The problem is that I simply DON'T KNOW what to say. Believe me, I have tried to really look deep inside myself to figure out what made me look at this guy's profile so much. But I can't come up with an answer more than I was just being a nosy girl. I think this is something a lot of girls do. Sure, I can now see that it was hurtful from my BF's point of view, but at the same time, there's no deep, underlying answer! I had no disloyal intentions! I think there's still a lot of love between us and it's clear that we are both missing each other. It seems that he's willing to give the relationship another chance, but is more-or-less demanding and explanation as to why I was looking at this guy's profile. I'm thinking of going to see a counselor to help sort me out...this has me so turned around that I just don't know what end is up anymore. I want to do everything I can and need to make this right, but I honestly don't know what to say that will satisfy him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): I am going through the same thing right now, though we haven't been dating for as long, and the other guy is an ex I was friends with before and after we dated. Our interactions are sparse, ie once or twice a month, sometimes longer. My boyfriend got furious and broke up with me.To me, I didn't think it would affect his trust in me. Especially the fact that I TOLD HIM, he didn't figure it out later. So for him to get furious and break up, is quite unsettling to me and makes me wonder if his love was ever real. (Though in your case there is no doubt that it is real).What I'm trying to get to is, trust is hard no matter what. I think it is a little too idealistic to trust someone 100%, there will always be one little doubt (that's what makes daily acts of love even more significant). However, giving in to the doubt and letting grow bigger is what hurts the relationship. So I think, if your boyfriend isn't willing to let go of the mistrust, it will keep affecting the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): I can empathize with both of you. To him it looked really bad that you had searched that guy so often. OTOH I'm sure you got extremely frustrated that he wouldn't drop it, which I certainly think he should have, since you had never communicated with the other guy.
If you can deal with a jealous guy, then get back together. It sounds like you still love each other. But remember that life is complicated and he may jump to the conclusion that you are 'cheating' in the future because of some more minor incident.
For the record I often look at people's facebook profiles that I have no intention of contacting. I bet lots of other people do too!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 I think he's an emotional wreck. I think he misses you. He came to your place just to see how you would react. My husband was very insecure at the beginning but he would never disappear and leave me hanging. He's happy. In a way my husband is like a child and can forget hurts quickly then enjoy life again. Your boyfriend sounds depressed and can't handle his emotions and jealous. Maybe he knew he messed up and didn't think you would forgive him. He didn't want to initiate the conversation of reconnecting for fear you would say no.
You love the intense feelings with him, the talk about marriage, and his potential. It's only been five months and a lot of it was spent arguing.
He has a deep hole in his heart that no matter whatever you pour into it, it's still not enough.
If I were you I would not know what to do either. You still love him so breaking up completely is not that easy. I would give him and yourself some time to cool off. Then get together again and do something light and fun. In the future do not give in to arguments that go nowhere. He is a big boy and does not need you to keep reassuring him. For the meanwhile I would just enjoy peaceful quite time and uninterrupted sleep.
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