A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I've [29/f] noticed recently that my boyfriend [30/m] talks about himself and his job and stuff quite a lot. He asks me questions like how was your day and that kind of stuff but we never really expand on that... I offer up information and ask him questions about whatever he's talking about though. It's not that he never ever asks stuff about me or we talk about stuff I bring up, it's just far less often!! Also, while he is somewhat affectionate - i seem to show him most or instigate hugs or holding hands. And i mostly instigate sex too! He always asks me to do little things for him (like I'm a designer so make a poster or build his website or print out something) I don't mind this at all because these are things I can do but he can't. Example the other day I asked him to make me a music cd for me car from ripping songs from YouTube coz I don't know how and he said yea, sure ill show you how to do it! Fine il show you how to build a website mister! He also (wrongly) seems to think that he does ALL the housework too.Now in fairness to him, he busy doing lots of different things and at the moment - I am work work work and trying to clear debt so I don't even see my friends that much. I am worried because i am seeing a therapist. I do have insecurity, needy, trust issues from childhood and I can be a bit paranoid sometimes but I don't know if I am here or not. I don't want to look needy and insecure by bringing it up but I do feel like he doesn't ask me anything because I am too boring(another issue that comes up for me in therapy). I also don't feel sexy or loved when I am always the one instigating affection and sex. He does tell me that he loves me but a lot of the time he mumbles it and says it really fast. He doesn't like to talk about his feeling too much (obviously a man) so I presume this is why. That or he just says it coz he knows I want to hear it!!! He's not selfish, he does care and if I'm sad or sick, he looks after me really well, lots of hugs and attention lol! What does one do here? Will bringig it up make me look like slim seeking out drama (which I do admittedly sometimes). Or make me look needy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): First off, it isn't you. Your anxiety about his behavior really has nothing to do with you at all. He just feels his job is more important, and he has a big ego. He is quite self-centered.
You are picking that up, but dismissing it; because you're in a relationship, and you feel expressing your feelings to him is a sign of weakness and insecurity.
I don't believe that is the case. The only way people know what we need is when we tell them. Too often like a crying baby, we expect people to know what to do to silence the crying. You simply have to stop putting him up a pedestal and see him as an equal.
You noticed he will not even make you a CD; but doesn't hesitate to take advantage of your talents.
That's because he knows you're able and willing. He also knows you're insecure and dealing with issues. He sort of looks down on you for that. He is being condescending, and you're reading it just as it is. Just afraid to acknowledge it to him.
Tell that jerk to stop talking down to you so much. It's insulting. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly at the moment he is doing it. That's when it is most effective.
When he starts talking about himself, change the subject and, say that's really nice. Then interrupt and bring up a topic of something you've read, work, or something about your day. You always politely give him the floor.
Stop it.
You have to be more assertive. Get self-help publications on building self-confidence and being assertive.
Then put it to practice. Turn Mr. Peacock into a Guinea pig.
When you feel you can't get a word in edgewise, pick up a magazine and distract yourself. Send him a message. This is passive aggressive in nature; so don't get caught up in holding back. Let her rip when he pisses you off.
Stop playing the dumb-girlfriend. If you only shut-up and listen, he'll keep talking. You're stroking his ego.
If he doesn't listen, then ask him why does he dismiss you when you're speaking? Tilt your head to the side, and don't say another word.
Stare him in the eyes. (It's confrontational.)
Don't followup with an explanation. That's his cue to figure it out. Let him.
This body language will send the message. He will have to stop to think. Then while he's stunned, continue talking.
He takes you a little for granted. Always loyal and attentive like a loving little puppy. Stand your ground and take up some space. Stop bowing and stand-up to him.
You need to take a few courses and find some support groups that you can sit around and talk about being assertive and
building self-confidence. The therapist doesn't seem to be helping you in the right places. Or you don't bring this up in sessions.
You are a bright and interesting woman. He doesn't appreciate it; because you don't demand his attention. You let him walk allover you.
You need to work on yourself, and change your own attitude toward who "you are." People change how they approach you, when they notice a difference in you. You also have the power to change how people treat you.
You just have to develop your knowledge of how that is done. You can teach yourself. Your therapist should be encouraging you to do so.
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