A
female
age
41-50,
*arykate
writes:my boyfriend sulks every time we have an argument?my boyfriend sulks when he does not get his own way. He plays golf a lot and works awkward hours in a hotel. I understand his love for the game and I'm always willing to compromise but sometimes he wants his cake and eats it. he knows the sulking upsets me immensely but continues to do it. its like he does it delibertly to hurt me. when I get upset he wont comfort me and just gets thick. i hate arguments and the silence and so make the first effort every time even though he's usually at fault. he will come around after a couple of days if i pussyfoot around him. it leaves me with a low self esteem and i wish he'd come to me first and apologise.my family thinks he's ignorant and selfish and id be better of without him but i love him so much. they advise me to ignore him when he gets like this and he'll come running back to me but im afraid to do this in case he leaves me. sometimes when things are going good he creates a situation where there's an argument and i wonder if he does it delibertly. why wont he compromise with me and meet me half way. what advice can you give me. im getting very angry inside and frustrated by this behaviour. how can i turn things around to a compromising situation where we can talk and sort out our problems. please help!!
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female
reader, marykate +, writes (24 July 2009):
marykate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous,i know the reason he's sulking is because he wanted to go away golfing with the lads yesterday evening and only told me about it wednesday, knowing he only see me 2 evenings this week on account of his hotel work also. then he persisted to say he wanted to go away for another night golfing next wkd the bank holiday wkd again knowing he's working every other day in the hotel. did not seem very fair to me, ive no problem him doing his golf things with the lads as long as we get adequate time togethter during any particular week. he already went golfing monday this week and stayed out drinking with his mates which did not bother me but now he's taking the piss.
he needs to compromise but is not always willing to do that.i asked him to consider swopping shifts in the hotel so he could accomodate these two golf outtings but he was not willing to give an inch. ive suffered other weeks already during the summer where we've had hardly any time together. when he took on the hotel work he said he would make sacrafices where the golf was concerned. basically he calls me controlling and says i tell him what to do which is not the case
A
female
reader, marykate +, writes (24 July 2009):
marykate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both for your advice. Nice to hear from a male reader also. Thanks Uncle Phil, you see i would stand up to him and get mad when he throws his tantrums but that gets me nowhere as he sulks and gets thicker and then I'd eventually give in. just feel like i cannot win. i do love him and dont want to lose him. when he's good hes really good and says he loves me to bits and wants to marry me etc, i wonder how sincere he is if he continues to hurt me this way. does he really care at all !!i will take your advice and tell him he'll be sulking on his own when the opportunity arises. you see when he's in great form and telling me he loves me i can tell him how much he's upset me then but not while he's in a thick mood.
Thanks Ginalolabridga also I have not tried that approach yet and have being advised many times to leave him to sulk and that he'll come crawling when he's ready. ill do it this time though and see how it works. ive tried the shouting approach and it does not work. im 32 years of age and want maturity in my relationship and would like to move on and have kids etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): I dare say he was a spoilt child who only had to sulk in order to get what he wanted, and unless you're willing to stand up to this childish behaviour it will continue.
He can get away with it because he probably knows there are no adverse consequences - like you leaving him for instance. If you want to be treated like a doormat just carry on the way you are, pussyfooting around him. If you want to be treated with respect stand up to him. Tell him he'll be sulking on his own if he doesn't buck up his ideas.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): Welcome to the real world. Men sulk,like their own way and cant grow up. Your case runs more deep. I also think if this is how he was from the start then it wont stop. Somehow i think something is bothering him. If so,it seems he cant tell you. It may be something you have done,a feeling he's not having his side heard,being badly treated. It could be he's even carrying guilt over something he has done or still doing. Sometimes people can miss out parts of a story through fear of being told what they refuse hear,as they dont want to be told. Unless you go into detail (and that means facing your own faults too) then it wont ever repair. I believe there is a lot more to this. Your family will take your side. I believe there is a lot you have missed out.
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A
male
reader, djmanny64  +, writes (24 July 2009):
What you need to do is sit him down and talk about how you feel about this whole situation. Let him know your feelings and what these arguments are doing to you. What it sounds like is that he wants attention from you but don't give in because he may think he can get one over you which can lead to bad things in due course.
Sit him down and talk to him that would be the best thing. If he doesn't want to talk about it then let him write things down in a letter to express his emotions. That is what me and my girlfried do. She doesn't like to talk about her problems with me so I let her write it down and try and help her through the way.
Sulking is always a way of life and nobody can change that, men always sulk about something and so do woman its just life but to keep it discreet you need to talk to him first and let him know about your feelings.
Hope this helps.
Steve
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