A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm a 22 and so is my boyfriend.One year ago, at the beginning of our relationship I felt loved, wanted and I trusted him. I loved giving bjs, he loved receiving them and we had sex several times a day. Now it's a bit different.Heads don't do much to him anymore. In the past he could get hard with a simple kiss. Now it's difficult for me to get him hard so, usually we start with him already hard. I generally manage to get him more hard but after a while he starts losing his erection, so he tries to masturbate without porn (while I'm licking him etc) but he gives up after a while and moves to his pc to finish.I'm not really comfortable with him watching porn every time I suck him or after every blowjob attempt or when we have sex because, in my opinion, it kills intimacy (I watch porn once in a while, but only when I'm alone). The few times we had sex on porn, he complimented me. That actually made things even worse because I know I don't deserve those compliments.We did try to spice things up, but we can't keep sex super exciting all the time. And after all we're only 22, I didn't think he would get bored so fast.At first he said he can't come because he's not turned on (I needed to act more slutty, moan, be super enthusiastic etc...). Recently he told me that it might be because he masturbates with a tight grip.Well, I guess it's time to stop bjs. It's no big loss for me. What bothers me more is that sex in general isn't good either. He says he doesn't feel much using condoms. This is bullshit! He didn't have any problems with condoms before and I know a few people that have always been using condoms without any problem! As a result he can't finish nearly half the time. He keeps asking me to do something about it. Ideally he would want me to take the pill (but for personal reasons I'm opposed to hormones).Recently he asked me if I would be up for an open relationship because he wants to "feel what other pussies feel like". He said that it's fine if I don't want to... but he broke my heart by simply asking that. Do you have any suggestion on what I could do? Has anyone experienced that in a relationship? Could it be only temporary? Do you know what could be happening?I know that sex doesn't define a person or maybe even a relationship but when I'm with him I tend to feel bad about myself (as a woman), especially since that open-relationship idea he had a few weeks ago. I'm a rather attractive person though, rather open minded too. I usually get a lot of attention from guys when I go out. I'm stuck in this relationship because I still have feelings for him and I want to make it work.Sorry if this thread sounds ridiculous, maybe I'm making a fuss out of nothing. I wanted to get this off my chest and get your opinion.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2015):
 I saw this quote and thought of your situation.
"You’ll never find the right person if you never let go of the wrong one."
— Unknown
A
female
reader, BloggerChick  +, writes (18 December 2015):
 You won't want to hear this but I think that him asking for an open relationship and from everything else you've said, this relationship has reached its destination. Any guy that loves his girl will not say that he needs to "feel what other pussies feel like". That's just not okay. To me he sounds a little immature. Any mature man will understand that relationships are more than just sex, but also that sex is intimate, and it should only be shared with your partner.
Bringing a third party into this relationship is definitely not wise. What if this other girl can please him more than you can, and get him to " finish" without porn? What, you think he'll stay with you if 'the grass is greener on the other side'? The answer is no. Allowing an open relationship is basically you consenting to your boyfriend cheating and sleeping with different women. That's not fair on you whatsoever.
So I'd say you have two options. Either say no to this open relationship idea, and if he has a problem with it then dump him. Or agree to the idea but make it fair by seeing other men. Personally I'd go for the first option and find a man who truly appreciated everything you have to offer.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (18 December 2015):
 If staying in this relationship is TRULY what your common sense and instincts are telling you to do, you really need to get therapy- but theyre not are they??? You're doubting your right to be valued and appreciated as a woman AND a PERSON because of his manipulative ways of making you feel less of a woman...You surely cant let him take that much self- respect from you! Dont ignore what people and your own personal warning system is telling you... he DOESNT care about you... surely it's better to be alone than in a realtionship to compare it to others??
It's not about OTHER relationships. It's about his character, his behaviour that should SCREAM to anyone with enough self respect that he's NOT a good guy.
Apologies... just WORDS- like wise owl said, he knows he's been rattled and wants to appease you temporarily to avoid drama- if he realises youre wise to what a infidelant little user he is, it'll be hard for him to be able have his cake and eat it. If you carry on letting him disrespect and use you like this, im sure you will end up letting him have what he wants... which is as much SEX as he can get, regardless of who it's with. Then when things settle down and they seem to be going better, he'll start chipping away at you again.
Imagine that down the line he cheats on you left, right an centre, which goes without saying,he will, believe us...
He knows that you'll be smoothed over by a cheap, crap APOLOGY... makes it all ok does it!?
Your feelings to him aren't important... he doesnt seem to have the capacity to view women as people, just a comparison to what he sees in porn videos.
Really wake yourself up and stop MUGGING yourself off. You must be indenial to believe he's any good as a man, as a bf as a PERSON.
Would you treat someone the way he's treating you?? You wouldnt. SO dont take it. Actully focus on YOURSELF and building up your self worth... then you might see in a clearer light what we're telling you. You clearly have a very misinformed idea of what a relationship is, as this is a VERY sub- standard excuse for one.
Wake up, youre not an animal, you know right from wrong youve been given a brain, dont sqaunder it and let emotion cloud your judgement.
So stop moping and stressing about his satisfaction, and claim back your self respect... it's going to take some nerve, which to need to muster up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): I think your fella has already met someone else and he is looking for an easy way out.
I think you should wise up to this fact and dump him back fast so that you can get yourself together to meet a better person.
Wouldnt you like a man who was actually attracted to you?
It sounds as though he is training you for prostitution and I wonder how financially vulnerable you are, or how naive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): After reading this I just want to say EWWW about him! He sounds like an absolute pig! I'm kind of baffled at how you said on your update that you told him you are not going to leave him.I'm not referring to the fact that he said he wanted an open relationship I'm on about the fact that he actually says things like he isn't turned on enough by you. That's just an instant mood killer, if a man said that to me I'd stop what I was doing and just leave.Have you ever said such things to him, how would that make him feel?He seems to be blaming you for all of the problems in the bedroom and making you feel bad about yourself. Why doesn't he stop to think that everything is awkward as he can't put a lid on the insensitive things he says.How about next time he's trying to turn you on you just say you really aren't arousing me I'm just going to leave you sitting here while I look on the pc for other men to get me off. Just switch places with the things he is saying and doing to you and realise that he's nasty.He doesn't sound like a very good catch at all, I think he's rather horrid.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (18 December 2015):
This doesn't have much to do with you...it is with him. He's sexually dysfunctional. A 22 yo guy should not need to watch porn in order to get off. Having you give him a BJ while he watches other people having sex (porn) is both insulting to you and selfish. It is only natural for you to feel undesirable. He is also socially challenged if he doesn't realize how rude he is being to you.
Your guy is pretty much past the stage of readjusting himself to be a loving and giving person who makes you feel good. That's just a lot change for him to go thru and it isn't your job to facilitate it. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good and well loved.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 December 2015):
 This guy has "fallen out of love" with you.... so, to keep your (own) sanity.... get away from him now.... stay away from him.... and get on with your life.....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2015): You're by no means making a fuss out of nothing; when your boyfriend is asking for your permission to screw other girls, while still hanging on to you!
I call that the "Tarzan escape." Acting like a neanderthal or ape. Living strictly by his primitive instincts.
Swinging from one girl to the next, seamlessly. Leaving you hurt and distraught; while you gave him your permission to find your replacement.
He has made it clear he's lost interest in monogamy; so being only 22, that isn't really that unusual for people your age. The relationship has reached it's expiration-date
and holding on to it is only going to make you miserable.
The mistake young women your age usually make; is clinging to guys who tell you these things, thinking there is some way to turn him around. Trust me girlfriend, you're better off to kick him to the curb; and go through the heartbreak and phases of withdrawal after the breakup. Living through the hell of the discovery he is cheating is more likely the alternative. That's worse!
How much more evidence do you need before you gain the nerve to end it? Use your common-sense and some logic.
He's trying to avoid any drama by suggesting compromises you know you'll never make. If you do, he'll simply cheat behind your back with every female you allow him to be with. Personally, if my boyfriend suggests something like that to me; I would hand him his walking papers and cut all ties. Not without kicking in his nuggets! Just kidding, he reads my posts and articles! Well, maybe I'm not!
There is no such thing as an open relationship. It's one or two sleazy irresponsible people who don't really know what commitment means; and wanting their cake and to eat it too! They always end in a breakup, or someone (or both) gets an STD. Either one that's curable, or non-curable.
If it goes on for years, it was never really a commitment. They were f*ck-buddies or friends with benefits who just tolerated each other screwing around with other people. If they're married, it isn't a marriage. It's a mockery of marriage.
Let no man touch you without a condom. He's not your husband! I think you've already made up your mind. You just needed a little push.
Push!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOops I realise I made a mistake. I'm sorry about that, English is not my native language... :sI meant that I would not be ok if he had to watch porn everytime we have sex. I tried to make it clear that I'm not ok with that, otherwise I'm sure he would tend to put on some extra visual stimulation everytime.We actually don't have sex on porn everytime, it's only when he can't finish.(so, almost every time during/after blowjobs and sometimes after sex)Anyway, after he said that he apologised etc... he said that it was just a stupid suggestion and that he's not gonna cheat on me or anything. Of course, I don't believe his apology. He can't just take his words back. That's not how it works. It definitely has changed my view on our relationship.I think that all guys fantasise about other women when in a relationship. But where is the line?I told him that I'm not gonna break up with him. The thing is, it is the most "sucessful" relationship I've had so far. Other girls my age don't seem super lucky :(Maybe just cut out on sex a bit? Should it make him more enthousiastic? Be more selfish? Tell him to f-off more often?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2015):
 This open relationship nonsense is his way of securing another relationship, or at least a steady arrangement, with someone else before he lets you go. The same way you'd find a new apartment or a new job before turning in your notice at the old one.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's the kind of guy who might actually keep you around and cheat on the new one, but only if you're willing to do and put up with just about anything. And that's what you'll be doing because he'll have no respect whatsoever for you.
Any time a man suggests a relaxation of the sexual rules, you can take it to the bank it is for a solely self serving reason.
I'm very sorry, OP, I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but it's the only logical explanation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM!No boyfriend who loves his gf will tell her he wants to know what 'other pussies feel like'.He's not interested any more, he's got some issues with his porn use and the real thing isn't doing it for him anymore. He sounds like a complete idiot and surely yu can see you deserve better than this?!Imagine this is your best friend, and she is telling you about a man who says and does these things to her...what would you tell her to do?! I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be encouraging someone to stay with a guy like this. Be your own best friend and tell yourself the truth - this guy does not deserve you.If my husband walked off to load up some porn to watch while we were intimate I think that would be the sign of the end for me. That's a massively disrespectful thing to do and deep down you know this isn't right.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedKate +, writes (17 December 2015):
If s guy makes you feel bad about yourself leave .... No guy should make you feel less of a person. My father was verbally and physically abusive towards my mother. He broke her down to the point she thought she was worthless. You're not worthless. You know in your heart he is not right for you.Im my opinion and I know everyone has different opinions on open relationships but if a guy is willing to let his gf get fucked by another guy he doesn't really care about you. He wants to feel what other pussys feel like .. Seriously I hope he didn't say that because if he was my bf I would dump his ass so quick his head would spin. What about condoms , does he plan on using them in your open relationship ? Leave this loser and get a guy who appreciates you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): I think you could deal with this very satisfactorily by giving him his marching orders and you will have the pleasure of hearing via feedback now much he pines for you..because no woman will ever be as appealing to him as the one he cant have.I think you could break it to him gently after christmas that you are separating in order to move on with your life in persuit of a more serious and suitable relationship.This will have the effect of a high voltage surging through him at the thought that his eyecandy is walking away and should make everything stand on end in a very abrupt manner, but refuse to appease him , just smile a little sadly and walk away.He will have nightmares thereafter and aunty Hand will have to do the job until some other chick is willing to become his side kick.You will not lose out by the way because you are already at deadend point and furthe down the line he will be suggesting threesomes.Treat it like a fire:get out and stay out.After that let the firemen do their work.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (17 December 2015):
You're right, although important sex doesnt, or shouldnt be, primarily what a relationship is based on... what's more important is compatibility (on different levels, including sexual)-respect and love!
All he seems to care about is sex- not worried about hurting your feelings in the process of getting it!
You've jumped to his every demand for too long- if you dont get anything back, other than him whinging and complaining about HIS needs not getting met, youre not going to feel desired, special- hence not so interested in sex with him... what exactly does he do for YOU?
-Ill tell you something, if a man makes an effort to please me and make me feel desired, genuinely showing me he wants to make me feel good is one of the biggest turn-ons. If im turned on, im more in the mood, more receptive- in turn im more willing to do what makes him happy. Everything in a relationhship is about the balance between give and take, you should care enough about each other to achieve this balance
I cant actually BELIEVE regarding contraception, he used the words "do something about it" WTF????!! erm the pill isnt 100% effective on it's own- , why should you have to suffer the effects while he gets his cake and eats it, scott free??? Its not JUST your responsibilty, like I said above its about compromise
You are NOT a porn plaything, youre a beautiful woman with needs and feelings- he's a selfish, uncaring little boy, that knows nothing of real women, how to appreciate them other than the simulations he sees in his little porn videos...
Saying to you "he wants to feel other pussies" is NOT c caring loving thing to say to someone- it would feel like a kick in the stomach for any woman... what a horrible little hornball, what a hurtful thing to say.
Your bf is a real jerk, and is pushing his luck. At least you see through some of the bullshit i.e. not wanting to use a condom... just sums the whole situation up tbh- for him its about HIS needs not yours.
This post REALLY makes me fume... if it was me I would have told him to F off LONG ago.
Youre not a personal sex service for him. Well done for stopping the blowjobs, he's used you for too long. Im sorry, he doesnt love you, or he wouldnt treat you like this.. you need to be strong, really wake up to what me and all the agony aunts will say to you and get rid.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2015):
Your post is NOT ridiculous at all, and I do understand wanting to try and make it work, however... HE is telling it's ALL your "fault". You should go on birth-control, you should act more slutty.. you you you. He doesn't take responsibility for anything. Nor does he think HE should change anything to make it work. YOU can't run a relationship on your own. It takes 2 to make it work and keep it working.
Add to insult, he suggests an open relationship so HE can go feel how other vaginas feel... SERIOUSLY?
In general, I would say most relationships don't "die" in the bedroom quite as fast as yours have, but it does happen specially when you have what seems like an absolutely selfish lover. It's quite possible to have a good sexual relationship for decades without having to resort to adding more people out have an open relationship.
I think what your BF is trying to say, is that he WANTS to have his cake (a GF, you) and to eat it too (have sex with anyone he wants too). So he wants to be single, but with a GF... And that rarely works. Open relationships rarely works long term when BOTH parties WANT an open relationship, and when one party don't... well, that doesn't work at all.
If I were you, even though you love him, I'd set him "free" - end the relationship and move on. Want more for yourself.
And lastly, it's NOT you being boring here.. it's him having unrealistic expectations of you and... sex.
PORN IS NOT REAL. It's fake. It's 2 people faking having sex.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (17 December 2015):
 "but when I'm with him I tend to feel bad about myself (as a woman)"
This is reason enough for you to break things off...NOW!!!
First of all... you are not a slut, nor should you become one for any man. Second...If his hand and porn is all he needs...let him marry them...they can keep each other happy.
3rd...You know this is wrong...way wrong.
So how do you make it right?
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