A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday i hoped i would see in the new year with my boyfriend but didnt , reason being he had been in hospital ( for a week ) over christmas because of his ptsd ( which i was aware of before we got together ) and was let out yesterday evening. He told me to go out with friends to the pub so i did . I hadnt seen him for 2 week and was hoping to see him last night, i tried calling him at midnight but he didnt answer most likely in bed asleep. I havent told anyone that he suffers from ptsd and that he can have some really bad times , instead i say he is working away and thats why i dont get to see him . My best friend said she thinks hes messing me about but she doesnt know about his mental health. When we first got together he said hes a very private person before he had chance to say more i said i wouldnt tell anyone about his health as its not my place and he was relieved im not a blabber mouth. There are times i get a bit disheartened because sometimes i dont see him for a couple of week and i really miss him. He hasnt replied to me today or even said happy new year which i thought he would have. Weve been together almost a year and was hoping to start making future plans , sometimes i feel like saying theres no point us being together as i dont get to see him much ( he seems to like just his own company and feels safe that way ) i have read so much on ptsd but i dont want to be a therapist in his face telling him how to live his life. i try to keep positive when im with him ,i personally think he seems to be getting worse over time and fear i could be part of the depression as he will feel the need to put on a front with me which ive told him he doesnt have to but also said he isnt ready for me to see him at proper rock bottom. do i give him ultimatums about this relationship ? i dont want to give up on him but i do need to see him more than 3 times a month . any helpful advice is needed ( please dont say dump him just because of ptsd as everyone deserves to be loved no matter what problems they have) thanks
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female
reader, Mammaof2  +, writes (2 January 2018):
My partner / husband has partial ptsd we've been together 7 years and have two wonderful children we have many rough times but that's another story I love him so much and him the same even though he only says it a time or two here and there. I've realized that he needs his own space and a place to go from time to time with him beeing a Marine he gets quite upset over clutter and starts to snap so I tell him it's two kids being kids go find a beer or go find something outside I'll take care of it. Honestly the best thing I've found is work or just busy work and his mind relaxes and he's back. If he enjoys his job like mine does that's a major plus talk about his work if you don't understand what he does do some research then they really start to open up granted I'm lucky that his best is also a marine and lives close by and the talk a lot and see each other almost daily. With veterans and there jobs that I've noticed they tend to choose ones were there gone a lot out of the area sometimes weeks in a row and come back I'm the best moods ever. But honestly if you start with the ultimatums he won't care and just end everything and be gone I've asked partner about it and he said hey been on my own most my life got no problem again. I guess just give it a little time and see where it goes if your ment to be together he'll be there
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2018):
 I'm sorry OP, I think you have to accept that the future or life you had HOPED for with this guy is not going to match reality.
He really is in NO condition to be dating. He really SHOULD focus on his mental health.
I think you were being a good GF in NOT telling everyone about his business, because that is HIS wish. But I also think you are looking at the bigger picture here.
MANY MANY people with PTSD do not get "cured" there is no instant or magical fix here. Most of them CAN and DO learn how to live WITH the PTDS - which means anyone around them need to learn that as well. That is a LOT to ask of a partner.
And I understand that you love and care for this man, but since when is HIS life more important than yours? When is YOU giving up on YOUR hope and dreams for him more important? Do you really think HE wants that? That sounds way more like PITY than love.
I LIVE with a partner with PTSD. He didn't have it when we got together but a couple of tours to war zones has changed him. A LOT. He is working on his PTSD in his own ways, not how I'd like to see him handle it - but I can't MAKE him do it "my way". For it to work HE has to work through it.
IT IS NOT your job as a partner to be his therapist. It's NOT. You can support & care. UNLESS you are a TRAINED therapist, then it's up to you - though even in that case I'd say you are little too close to do REAL good.
HE needs to find ways to cope, to improve.
Maybe all HE can handle is seeing you 3 times a month. So you have to decide if that is enough, OR if you want more. If you want more, HE ISN'T it for you.
I think you are looking at the picture here all wrong. You don't want to leave him because of the PTSD, and I get it. But... NOT healthy and good relationship can work if ONE partner is not fulfilled at all. What you are doing is NOT helping him, it's you MARTYRING yourself for a relationship that isn't working out.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (2 January 2018):
 What reason would you use for dumping him then?
If he didn't have ptsd and you saw him the same amount would you still be with him? The fact of the matter is there is a problem in this relationship for you. He sounds perfectly happy with the situation of it, so what are you expecting to change?
You've talked to him and nothing has happened, what now? Carry on living like this for another year? Another five? Its not cruel to break up with someone that has a mental health issue if they're not fulfilling your needs. At the end of the day you're both human beings that have needs and if they aren't being met then what's the point in wasting your time? Like you said you're not a therapist and it's not your job to try and fix things for him. Is he seeking help currently? You say things seem like they're getting worse so what can you do about it exactly?
Personally I'm not seeing a future for this one, you don't sound happy and I don't see that changing anytime soon. How can you have a relationship with someone you don't see?
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