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anonymous
writes: real problem, im with my partner 5 months and love him so much, problem is i found out that he is still in love with his x he was with her for 9 years and they are split up a year and a half ago. he says he loves me and does not want to go back to his x as it would not work out but he still loves her and made a mistake by telling her so just recently. how do i get past this its breaking my heart theres kids involved on either side.am i mad to stay.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2006): i am the pster of that question. things are going fine and we have moved in together. the only problem is his x she goes to all my boyfriends family get together's every where we go she is there, weddings, funerals, everything. he lost all his friends when they split because they where related to her and his close family are always on her side. ive avoided many party's if i know she will be there because i would not like to cause an atmosphere. how long will this go on for i know she is his sons mother and they where together for a long time but its very hard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): well my fella has never hidden me ive met his x and she seems to be really nice we get on well. i dont think i could handel your situation even though some might not be able for mine . i think you have too follow your heart and see what happens.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): I am in a relationship (8 months now) with a man who refuses to answer the question whether or not he still loves his ex. She left him and took their two children several months ago. He does not talk about her but constantly says that he wants to provide a stable home for the children and if she decided to come back he has to accept her for the children's sake. This tears me up but at the same time he tells me how much he loves me and that his feelings will never ever change toward me. He also says things to suggest that if she does come back we will have to be discreet with our relationship as he wouldn't want to hurt his children or mine which I have with someone else. I feel badly about this because she has gone on with her life. She is openly dating another man yet he hides me and we go to discreet places to have lunch and dinner. It is as if he is keeping himself clean and faultless until she returns. He told me recently that i is inappropriate for him to discuss his feelings for her with me as he is not ready to do so yet. I want out of this relationship but can't seem to stay away from him. He is a drain emotionally but I have begun to feel like a let down to him if I leave. He begs and pleads for me to stay but I am not being fulfilled especially knowing that I am second fiddle. I find myself making comparisons between me and his ex and everytime come out feeling that I am the underdog despite the fact that we are both professional, beautiful and financially secure women. He does not say anything to make me feel better but has said many times that he doesn't want to hurt me and that he holds back some of his emotions for that reason. Sex is great, but I would prefer him to level with me. Anytime we have a difference he calls and wants to make love to me but I need more than this. I feel like a pit stop until his ex comes back. For those who are not in htis situation, avoid it like the plague. For those who are or have been, please offer a suggestion to help me get out!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): well i took your advice and dumped him i went tru hell and thought my heart was gonna crack in 2. i tried really hard to stay away but we eventually got back together. he was devastated also and said he loved me and only me and couldnt be without me that he made a big mistake textin her in a drunkin state and it was a moment ov madness. i know he will always love her because she is the mother ov his child, like i have love for my x whome i have kids for but its a different type ov love. i think ill take my chances and go with the flow and see what happens i tried to listen to my head but my heart told me different. thanks again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): I'm sort of in the same situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now. He was with his ex for 9 years as well. She broke up with him about 3 years ago, and got married a year later. He sometimes brings her name up when it is not necessary, and it hurts cause it means that he still thinks about her. Just the other day, I found a picture of her in his car. It really hurts knowing that his heart will never be 100% mine. But I do know that he loves me very much. In your case, you deserve to be with someone better. It is absolutely inappropriate for your man to tell another woman that he loves her while he is still with you! I think that he still needs time and he's not over her yet. But no matter how much time and healing he goes through, in the end, a piece of his heart will always love her forever. I've learn to accept that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2006): Seriously this man has issues. You need to ask yourself what you get out of this relationship. Have you even talked to him about how you feel. Is it worth your heart, self-esteem to stay in a relationship that is causing you hurt? What does he want? What do you want? Are they the same..and go from there...good luck girl be strong..but more importantly be happy don't overanalyze this..just live and be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2006): DUMP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): and for the record it was a text message he sent when he was drunk if that makes a difference!!! he went around to her the next day to pick his son and said sorry that he was wrong for doing so... well so he says.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): thanks for your answers i know what i have to do its just so hard because i get on so well with him in every way bar this. ill just explain that when i met him we where friends and we both loved other people and spoke about it. i fell deaply in love with him and soon forgot my abusive x. i thought he did the same i was wrong he said he was wrong to tell her he loved her and he wouldnt go back because it would never work but it could work for us. she has a new man and seems like a really nice girl.i told him to go give it another try but he said no. that he dosent love her the way he used to and loves me more. the only reason i stook around is because i have empathy for how he was feeling.god for a strong women when it comes to men im very weak and i hate that about myself. think id be better off on my own thanks again x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): Hi, I'm on the other side of the fence with this one - My ex left us about a year ago in april, we have seen each other at least once every week since then. We were together for 9 years also and have a child together(he also has two others who he doesn't see). I believe he is trying to create a relationship with another woman while he still says how much he loves me. I know that he does. And I feel love for him as well. He finds it difficult to let go of "us" so he and I can move on. The things he had done during our relationship (a lot of lying and cheating) I think makes him want the easy way out. Which would be to choose another woman and start over again. From my point of view a man in that position is far from ready for another relationship. You've got to ask your self what caused the last one to break-up? 9 years is a long time. Has this behavioural pattern changed? Is it likely that he might be going to end up treating you the same way? Is he really emotionally available to you? And you alone? With my ex and his way of doing these things he tends to put a lot of pressure on the other girl because he's so unsure of what he's doing ( having feelings for me). I think you might find the same thing. He would probably be guaging your behaviour and ability to make him feel good about himself and his decision a lot differently than if he were to be completely open to a new relationship. As long as he has feelings for his ex my guess is that you will find it quite difficult to be appreciated for being you - more so that he would be making comparisons and looking for signs to either confirm his decision to be with you or not(and I doubt they would be rational). If he says he still loves her but isn't willing to put in the effort then what does that say about the value he puts on "love". How can he tell her that he loves her and yet not be willing to make the effort to re-create that relationship? Could it be a sign that if it got to tough for him while he's with you that it's as easy as that to give up on you despite this so called "love" he feels for people. I'd be very careful that he isn't just looking for someone to fill the void he's feeling because he can't be bothered putting in the effort to "fix" the previous relationship. Let me tell you it becomes very taxing on you emotionally when most of the first part of your relationship isn't even really about you and him exclusively. I've been there too. When I started my relationship (with the same ex) I too found out he still loved his ex and more and more things came out over time that I wasn't sure I could handle but simply because we were already so far into it and my feelings had really developed...I figured "why not?" what difference does it makes now? Soon you end up dealing with a lot of things he thought he'd keep to himself and if you knew them to begin with then your decision to be with him might have been a lot different. If this isn't the first time this "man" of yours has started a relationshhip in this manner I'd be really careful some guys are really good at playing these games of "when to let you know things about him". I'd find out as much as I could about this guy and his previous relationship "patterns" to make sure you're not another playing piece in his game. You know one thing for sure that he isn't fully devoted to you. Can you live with that? Really? Think about how long this could go on? Are you going to be happy enough knowing you aren't all he thinks about? My suggestion is that you sort out what u "know" you want from a relationship and if coming second is ok with you then - go for it!! If not I suggest you put a screeching halt to seeing this guy until he's sorted out what he wants and tell him that if he wants you - its only you. This guy obviously needs some time on his own to sort out what he really wants in life and in a relationship...he can't have his cake and eat it too!! I believe if you continue this relationship it could end badly - If you say it's ok with you for him to have feelings for another woman while he's with you then whats to stop him having feelings for other women along the track? If you've already put up with it once then there's your boundries set right there. Sorry this is so long I just thought you might appreciate an inside view from the other side of the fence. My ex is quite happy to toy with my feelings and I know he does it with other women. Maybe you should get to know the ex and find out what your in for take from the information you get what you want - it may not be all true but a good indicator none the less. If this guy has children to his ex you've got to expect that they will always be tied by this whether you like it or not and having said that know that feelings don't just disappear - a year and a half you said and he still feels the need to share his feelings with his ex? Great lot of respect he must have for you and your current relationship. I wouldn't be suprised if he's shared more than that!! If you know what I mean!!? You might want to make sure that isn't the case either - this relationship seems to be created on the basis of deceipt already - how deep does that go? Do you even know? I really find it a shame that men dont come with references from prior relationships etc. Hope I've been of some help!! Good Luck!!
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 If he has told his ex just recently that he is still in love with her then that gives me the impression that he wants her back...otherwise,why tell her? He cant be totally in love with you if he is telling his underlying love for her....can he? Did he meet you on the rebound? Your fella hasnt got over his ex girlfriend and while it hurts to hear this...i personally would pack my bags and walk out,why should you put up with this,while he swans in from her to you like a ping pong ball,you deserve better then that.Your fella has had a good year and a half to get over her,yet he still tells her that he loves her....where does that leave you? I bet if his ex snapped her fingers and asked for him back....he would come running to her.Why should you settle for second best?.....this man cannot give you his total,emotional support because his heart is somewhere else.I know you love him and leaving him would make you sad,but the situation that your in now,isnt any better.Maybe when you do leave him and your not there anymore might just give him the wake up call he needs.Hopefully he will miss you and want you back but it would have to be on your terms,and he is completely over his ex.How would you know that? well only you would be able to know yourself.But if im truthful,you are in the middle of this sorry mess and really i feel you should make a clean break from him....its easy for me to say this because im not emotionally involved with him but for my own sanity and happiness i think i would just leave.Remember,there is fellas out there with no baggage,doesnt that seem more appealing?
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