A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I are preparing to get married next year. We live together and are very much in love. The thing that bothers me is that whenever we are driving places together... he stares so much at other women. He stares into cars, women walking by... I ask him and he says he is appreciating beauty... Should I be bothered? I look at good looking men but admittedly nowhere near as much as he does... I am wondering whether to make an issue of this or not? Help
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female
reader, done it  +, writes (19 May 2009):
Men have habits that will never be tamed completely, that is the part of him that makes him a male, they all look at other women no matter the beauty of their girlfriend, they do it anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): We women check out guys, too, though it's not nearly the big deal to us as it is to men. I mean, random strangers' body parts: big whoop, right? But at least the majority of us have the good sense to do it surreptitiously, as it should be done. There's no reason why men can't be courteous enough to do the same; after all, it's not like they lack some particular muscle behind their eyes that women have which prevents them from doing their lusting-after-others covertly. Anything less is disrespectful and just plain bad manners. Maybe try giving him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. Sometimes this is the only way to get through to someone who's so thick-headed in the first place that they would ogle instead of glance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): The other posts say exactly what I would say..
It's perfectly normal to take a glance at an attractive person, everyone does it, but if he's making you insecure in anyway then I think you should talk to him. If he understands/respects how you feel he will do something about it.
If it really bothers you and he doesn't stop, then you need to have a good think about what you want.
Good luck & Take care.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (17 July 2008):
 If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you.
Some people get really annoyed by it, and for others it doesn't bother them at all.
I do it - look at women. My wife just takes the p***. "There's a nice woman for you," she points out with a big grin.
Some women find it disturbing if it's any man who happens to be out with them and looks at another woman, whether or not it's their boyfriend/partner/husband doing it. My wife's friend was out with us and I happened to look a little too intently at a leggy blonde, and my wife's friend slapped me! "Don't look at other women when you're out with me," she said sharply. Then, "Oh, sorry Susan. He's with you, not me, isn't he?!!"
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that it's entirely down to you and your relationship. If it's really a problem for you and he won't stop, then you need to decide how important this is to you - and maybe find a different man who only has eyes for you. I'd only say that it's not uncommon for men to do it, and it most certainly doesn't mean that he thinks any less of you or respects you any less.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Vow, what I am going to say will probably not be acceptable by some of the "uncles" and "aunts"
BUT
it is normal and natural to look; men do have a more visual thing then women in general;
UNLESS this guy is staring and making people uncomfortable; Vow, I suggest, you let it be;
No harm at appreciating a good looking or sexy or attractive person from the opposite sex; it is very normal;
BECAUSE
you are in a relationship does not mean you are blind or need to where blinkers; If he was looking secretly, I will get worried; then I will wonder why is he doing it behind my back;
If you want to have some good fun; very nonchalant point to him, to look at a certain girl; one that might be exposing a little more then usual or is dresses very sexy etc; or to a very good looking guy, with a comment; 'hmm sexy guy etc'; it can be lots of fun; (if you are both secured in the relationship);
if not;
you NEED to work on your INSECURITIES.
Allow him to look; it is normal; staring and making people uncomfortable IS NOT.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): My partner does this sometimes and it drives me nuts. I don’t care whether he looks I just wish he could be a bit more polite about it. He did it in the restaurant on Saturday (again) so I put red lipstick on the end of my nose and stayed like it and said I would do that each time I felt he was being rude in future. I managed to laugh but inwardly I cringe.
What is annoying is that it is not necessary, it is like a warning to you that he still has his eye on other options so you had better be grateful and behave! Mine said he was a red-blooded male and all that macho crap. Well it just makes me pity him. My Mum and dad absolutely never judged people by talking about their looks. I am sure they noticed lovely looking people they just never gave them kudos for how they looked. What they did and made for themselves has always been important to my family, not what people are were born with. So, it has been a real shock to me to find myself judged by things that had no importance before. It is completely demoralising because you can’t look like every variation of a beautiful woman, all you can be is yourself.
So why would anyone want to behave in a way that makes you feel inadequate? It is not as though we go around staring at men’s trousers to see who has the biggest. If we did those blokes would soon know. When there is any form of sense of inadequacy about the size of the trouser worm it stays a topic of conversation for months by a bloke. They can’t stand it. If he has enough invested in you he can certainly stop doing it. It would cost him nothing but make you very happy.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 well there is a difference between just glancing or taking notice, and gawking and staring - which category does your boyfriend fall into?
if it is only a case of a passing glance then i wouldnt worry too much - its normal. but if it is more then this then talk to him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he does it.
if he cant respect this then i would think about wat you really want. the other posters are right - it is an issue of respect.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 My boyfriend is the exact same way. And it is a issue with me too! If you click onto my name... and go into my column, you will see that I wrote about the exact same thing.
I told my boyfriend that glancing is one thing, but his gawking deeply disturbs me, and it makes me feel like I am not pretty enough for him, and that it makes me feel as though he is not satisfied with me, and he is still searching for someone. I also told him that if he can't control himself, that it would put our relationship at risk.
Good luck hon! Write me if you want.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 I agree with Star... this is your call. Does it bother you? If it does, let him know. I say to my hubby (jokingly) that he should learn from me, that I admire beauty as much as he does and I don't let him know. That whenever he has to turn his head to see another female it means she is out of his admiring permitted zone!
He has dealt with it and sometimes I even tell him to look someone that catches my eye. I just don't like the whole turning head as in the exorcist or drooling for someone else. Luckily enough he respects that and we do fine in our own happy medium.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 You have to make this call. Either you join in on the fun at looking at other people or you do not accept him looking at other women while in your presence.
I always think of this as a respect issue. Glancing at other women may not be an issue but if he guaking and googling, you may feel disrepected.
If you will not accept this, then tell him that you wish that he would control himself in front of you. Appreciating beauty is fine but you do not wish that he does it in front of you.
I hope that you can overcome this in some way or another!
Take Care!
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