A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been dating a guy over 2 years and in the first year we communicated in English and then after a year I noticed he started talking in his native language to everyone his friends,his parents(which he always did)his sister,his best friend with his colleagues at work!it got to a point that he talks in his native language in his sleep,the problem here is I don't understand that language at all and when he can speak good English why can't he communicate in that language!he watches his native language movies and yet again I can't understand a word!Now recently he told me that when we have kids he wants to teach his child the language from the very start I don't like this idea,he knows the language I don't!i don't want my future child to even talk in that language,pardon me but I find that language very crass and uncouth!i am not comfortable when I expressed my concerns to him he said if I love him I should accept him!even my native language is something he is not familiar with so I don't talk in that all the time!am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2015): I think there's something else going on here, and I'm guessing that the key to all of your negativity in all this is the CHANGE. i.e. That is he USED to speak the same language which you SHARE and then for some reason he CHANGED.Did he change how he communicated without first communicating to you WHY he was changing his habits? Or did you call his native language 'crass and uncouth' before he changed and hence perhaps it was your attitude which pushed him to defend his culture in the best way he knew; by returning to speaking his native language as much as possible and to want to keep it alive his children?If you already know the reason that caused him to change his habits I think this is the key to how to resolve thing between you; If it is important to him then perhaps you can both embrace each other's native languages equally. But if it is symptom of some other resentment or growing distance in the relationship, then perhaps you need to address that between you. If you genuinely have no idea what caused the change then I think he has been unfair on you and you need to sit down and talk about both why he changed his habits and ALSO about why he failed to communicate the WHY of this to you before it got this far. because the irony is that for all his apparent language skills he seems to failed to communicate the reason for the change to you in any language at all.Talk to him. Ask him to help you understand why. And if (in your heart) you actually already understand and empathise with why- then simply ask him to help you understand his language.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (30 June 2015):
 Is one of the "languages" Braille?
After the lights go out, that is the language I use to get my "message" across to my G/F ..... and - even tho' she's never studied it (Braille) (and... neither, incidentally, have I) - she "gets my message".......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Why wouldn't you want your child to speak a second language? I should think that would be a blessing. His language and heritage are part of who he is, and if you love him you ought to accept him the way he is and not try to change him. I don't think he's trying to exclude you or anything, it's just that he can't extract himself from his language and his friends and family, and he shouldn't. Have you thought of asking him to teach you some of his language? And what exactly is his language? It's not true by the way, that Americans are inherently mono lingual. A few people have that bad attitude that "English is superior" but a lot of Americans love foreign languages. I speak Spanish and am learning Japanese... and I love it. I wish I could meet some guy from Latin America, or Asia, and hypothetically speaking if I had kids I would love for them to grow up speaking multiple languages.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Honeypie, seeing as you seem to be so good at languages can you use rhetoric to emphasise your points and not capital letters?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2015):
 I speak 4 languages fluently and 2 not quite so fluently. My husband ONLY speaks English. (well, American).
WHY limit yourself AND your child to only one language?
And whether you LIKE his language or not, it's part of WHO he is and his culture, so my guess is you don't embrace that either? Just him?
You find his language crass and uncouth? Are you serious?
As for your "future child" the sooner he/she learns more than one language the better chance he/s has to learn another and another. It is GOOD for the brain. Same with learning musical instruments.
I have seen you attitude A LOT in the US. Somehow there is a lot of English-speaking people who thinks that EVERYONE should "just" speak English... But here is the thing. English isn't even the most spoken language on Earth. Even if it was... SO what?
You need to stop thinking the relationship revolve around JUST you and what YOU want.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 June 2015):
 Do you speak another language other than English? You mentioned your 'native language'?
Would you consider teaching him some words in your native language while he teaches you some words in his language?
Because if you could eventually teach your children three languages - yours, his and English then that would be an awesome achievement.
In the work place people who can speak more than one language are in high demand. I work with a guy who has just been offered a great new promotion by an interstate business not only because of his degree, but also because he speaks English, Mandarin, Malay and a dialect. Normally that company has to employ translators but he will be able to connect with clients immediately in their own language.
If you have children they will be blessed if they can speak more than one language.
Not sure which language it is, but ask your guy to teach you the following words (in his language) and write down the phonetic sound of the words, alongside the English for the words.
The words you need to learn any language at the start are please, thank you, yes and No.
Because then you can at least preface every request with please in their language. And when they have helped you learn a word you can say thank you in their language.
I will agree that some languages are more difficult if one cannot roll one's Rrrrrrrr sounds.
If you are willing to learn those basic words then you could move on to some easy words like car, house, shop, hospital, city, road, left and right. Then move on to some basic colors like black, white, red, blue, green, yellow. And street. Even with just those few words you will be surprised how quickly you can pick up the language.
I will give you and example:
(these are Not the correct spelling of the words, but what is written is the sound that the person says when you say the word - a native speaker will recognize the word:
Dun-yah-vaard = thank you
Ker-pah-car-kay =please
Hahn =yes
Nah-hee = no
The language above is an Indian language that I have been slowly learning. But the principal is the same for any language. Get the pronunciation right first, long before you can spell the word. That is how children learn.
People who are multi-lingual are so employable and more in demand in the job market.
People feel truly delighted when they understand their language coming from your mouth in their language. Their faces light up.
It can also be fascinating to hear a sound and realize that the word means something entirely different in another (non-English) language.
For instance:
Glass of water = we all to drink that daily
Punni-vah-lah-glass = glass of water in the language I am learning.
Ooon-Bik-Kerrr-ah -D'ac-quah = glass of water in Italian
If this guy means a lot to you then being obstinate about learning the language or downright insulting about his language is not going to be very supportive towards your guy.
Objecting to your children learning another language is also going to result in him feeling that you are insulting his culture.
I hope that you can see that you will gladden his heart if you do decide to try to learn his language and if you will respect his wishes about passing on his culture to his children then that is a huge bridge to cross - and it will give him peace of mind about something that is very important to him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): My boyf of 2years is from abroad he speaks english but talks in his own language to his family and friends because they don't speak english. When I go over there to visit his family with him I can't talk to anyone but my boyf it can be isolating, which is why I am trying to learn his language.I do get fed up sometimes if he has extended conversations with people and I sit in silence having no idea what is being said, but he lives in my country speaks english all the time there so I just accept it. It is up to me to learn like he learned mine.If we have children in the future I'd like them to speak both languages. I think you are being very direspectful saying you don't like your boyfs language. It is part of who he is you can't just expect him to ignore it and only speak english with you. If you can't accept it then maybe only date people who's mother tongue is english.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 June 2015):
 My new husband is Japanese. We dated for 14 years. He speaks mostly English with me, his preference, not mine. He likes to speak English with me because it helps him learn and he knows that I won't speak too quickly or make fun of him if he mispronounces a word or asks me to explain. Its always been this way. I have studied Japanese for years and can speak it but its very haltingly. I adore the Japanese language but am a very poor speaker using it.
My husband speaks in Japanese to his friends and family. I find it quite adorable and love to just listen to him when he talks. If he is with others, he will always translate in English to me what they are saying so I don't feel left out. When he calls his family in Japan he doesn't translate while talking to them but after he hangs up he will tell me what they talked about. I really love hearing him talk and even if I don't understand what he's saying its just fine. He's more animated and more comfortable speaking in his own language so why would I begrudge him that?
We watch Japanese television/you tube together. I don't understand alot of what is being said, but I do learn from it and quite enjoy it.
I love him just the way he is and wouldn't want him to change. We are beyond the age of having children but if things were different, I would certainly want the children to grow up learning Japanese! I wouldn't have it other way.
I am just guessing here but it sounds like you have some other problems going on in the relationship and you feel sort of resentful? I'll be honest it really isn't fair of you to want him to change or be what he isn't. I agree that if you can't accept him and his heritage you shouldn't be with him.
One of the things that drew me to my husband all those years ago was that he was different and I found that very exciting and even sexy. I knew we would have a different kind of a relationship that me just dating an "american" guy. I adore my husband and I'm glad hes not like everyone else over here.
If you can't/don't want to make the effort to learn about him and find his language "coarse"..I don't think you are with the right guy.
I hope it all works out for you. I don't think you are being open minded enough though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it's true I have never liked his native language and I am not quite okay with the fact when I visit his family all they will talk is that native language and il be just sitting there pretending to understand the language!
I don't stop him from watching his movies he said I should watch them too to which I said no!
probably he has only been talking in his native language is getting to me considering he knows I am not familiar with the language and I don't understand a word!i have told him talk in moderation but some adjustments have to be made!i don't talk in my native language because I know he doesn't understand it!but he does all the time!and yes I am getting annoyed!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 June 2015):
You are being quite selfish. True, if you are around, the conversation should be conducted in a language everyone understands, so if he is excluding you by using his own language then that is something you should challenge him on. When you’re not there, however, it’s up to him and his company what language is used. Similarly with films: he can watch what he wants, but if you’re doing this as an activity together either he should get a subtitled version or watch English films so you are included. You, however, are very disrespectful about his language. A child growing up speaking different languages can only be an advantage to him/her later in life. Would you teach the child your own native language? How would you feel if he said that, not only did he not want your language to be the child’s first or main language, but that, because he dislikes it, it would be better the child didn’t speak it at all? This is quite insulting.
Nowhere in your post have you shown that you’ve seriously tried to compromise and address this, agreeing when he should, and should not, use the language you don’t understand. Perhaps if he can meet you in the middle and compromise on this, you could make an effort to learn his language as your side of the bargain. In this way, he’ll realise that it isn’t a question of you not accepting him at all. Perhaps, though, it is a question of acceptance, given that you find his language so distasteful. I can’t help feeling this language issue is symptomatic of poor communication and deeper dissatisfaction in this relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (30 June 2015):
 Yes, I think you are over-reacting!
You cannot deny someone's heritage. His language is part of who he is. He will naturally want his children to be part of this too. Rather than fighting this, you should be embracing it.
How can a language be crass and uncouth? A language is a language! Maybe you should try to learn his language yourself?
If you can't embrace his heritage, you will find it hard to love him as a person.
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