A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Need some advice. My boyfriend is a really wonderful guy! My only issue is that sometimes he means to say one thing and it will come out wrong, especially with friends/acquaintances or when a little tipsy. For example, we were meeting some new acquaintances when parenting came up as a general subject (none of us have kids, anyway) and my boyfriend blurted out, well if people don't supervise their children, of course they deserve to be snatched!" Cue the embarrassment, some awkward silence, and he says, "I didn't mean it like that, I meant to say, if parents don't supervise, they can't blame their society if their children are not safe...etc. not that children ever deserve anything bad that happens to them..." but still I hate when this happens because I feel like people form a bad impression, and he is the best guy in the world, wouldn't hurt a fly, very gentle loving and caring...so what should I do in this kind of situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 Okay so yes he speaks and then thinks, it can be a common problem in people. However people who know him, will know what he is really like and can just laugh it off. Talk to him about how you feel, but I don't think you will be able to change him.
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 He's got foot in mouth disease ha
I know someone like that and sometimes he takes my breath away with the tactless things he says.
He is however a great man who I love being with.
He needs telling to check himself before he wrecks himself.
It's a learning process and sometimes it's a long one.
As he matures it should improve. It doesn't make him a bad guy unless you are in love, in which case you can be blind as we know.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 April 2016):
 LOL Cindy! You're right, I love a good debate, especially with intelligent people like yourself! ;)
See, in the "mugger" story, my thoughts were that the mugger would be in the wrong. Of course, there's common sense that you wouldn't walk a dark New York street at 3am alone, but there's a difference between precaution (locking doors at night) and blame. It was the OP's "Can't blame society" comment that got to me here. In the OP's case, the blame is and always will be on the criminal, the child abductor, or the mugger. The parents would be NEGLIGENT, but I see that responsibility as separate from the criminal's choice to commit the crime.
On the other hand, if the parents weren't supervising toddlers, and one of them drowns, the parents are to blame. I see your point, Cindy, and many would agree with you!
I don't know if you've heard of Jared Fogle where you live, but in the US, he was a guy who lost a lot of weight eating Subway subs, and made lots of money doing commercials for them. Well, everyone thought he was an upstanding role model until one of the women who was helping him set up a self-improvement health seminar at a middle school heard him say an offhand comment "Middle school girls are so hot".
She could either have figured he meant nothing by it, but his mouth got away from his brain, but she didn't. She started probing him while simultaneously notifying the FBI. Under their orders, she "pretended" to be sympathetic to him and probed what he meant by what he said. Turns out, he *had* had underage sex, and shared elaborate grooming techniques about getting elementary and middle school kids to have sex with him. She finally had to quit when he expressed interest in her putting hidden cameras in her grade-school kids' rooms so he could see them naked.
My point is - had she blown off the comment or excused it away, there would have been a much longer line of victims. But she was astute and knew when to probe. She saved lives.
I don't mean the OP's partner is necessarily a monster, but "telling it like it is" is different from saying something morally questionable and excusing it as just blurting. It may not be romantic, but having a tough discussion about whatever subject he blurted out an awkward opinion is a safety mechanism to be sure. The best case scenario is that he's thoughtful and that discussion enriches both him and the OP. Worst case scenario is that there are aspects to his personality that are far less compatible than she knows.
One thing I wholeheartedly agree with you Cindy about is - I've spent time in NYC too - flashing bling is NOT a good idea! :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 For once I disagree with YouWish ( which is cool, because I know she likes a good debate :). I'll try to explain why... but let's start with the OP's boyfriend first.
Who owns the words owns the world , said somebody- and unluckily your bf does not have the knack to say things in the " right " way. Politically correct. Diplomatic. Conciliatory. He tells it like it is ( at least in his opinion ) without editing it first.
That may be jarring to some people, but the concept he is expressing is a valid , legitimate opinion. ( Then again even if it wasn't, he would have the right to express it anyway, wouldn't he ? )
Unless your bf is a sociopath, I don't think his point is that a poor parent DESERVES to be atrociously punished for the rest of their life for a moment of imprudence of carelesness . Same as the guy who had one glass too many at a wedding or a Xmas party, and falls asleep at the wheel, does not DESERVE to wake up dead or paralyzed . It does seem a cruel and unusual punishment for an once in a blue moon indiscretion. It's sad that he might have to pay inthis horrible way for a MISTAKE. Everybody makes mistakes.
.... And mistakes , though, have consequences, and this is not a secret. Know it- keep it in mind.
I think what your bf is saying is simply : cause and effect. You put certain causes , you may get certain effects.
Then, don't go blame society or God or destiny or whatever. And don't be surprised. It was you, - you had the responsibility , if we don't want to call it fault, for whatever happened.
A mother who leaves her baby unattended and the baby gets snatched.... well, as a fellow human being you may feel compassion for her terrible predicament. Oth, she knew that you do not leave babies unattended because bad stuff may happen - she decided to run a risk, and it did not pay off. It's on her.
I guess what your bf is saying is just that for him it's easier to be compassionate toward people who never did anything to contribute to the harm they suffered. Civil victims of a bombing, say- or victims of an earthquake , or of a serial killer- or dozens of other examples of really innocent blameless victims.
I don't think the concept your bf expressed is so revolutionary, or " wrong ". It is factual and logical. It IS easier to feel pity for those who've done absolutely nothing to cause the tragedy they are suffering.
( Although that should not prevent us to try and extend our compassion to anybody who is suffering , including those who screwed up ).
AS for the " blame the victim " . The victim is not to be blamed, but people has got to own their actions, and take charge of their life and its protection.
Of course if we lived in a perfect world any woman could go around naked and not be raped, and any tourist could walk decked in jewels and not be mugged. But the world is not as it should be, it is as it is- and while we all strive to change it and improve it, in the meantime I think it is our precise duty to pay attention to our environment and circumstances, and make the best , wisest possible decisions in THOSE circumstances.
When I lived in New York, yes it annoyed me that I could
not sport my " good " gold watch or other finery in certain places and times, same as I would have done all day long when visiting my sister in her quiet , idyllic little Swiss town. And yet, it is what it is. Being the crime rate not the same in NY as in rural Switzerland, waiting until that gap is bridged, I preferred to apply some reasonable precautions in order to not make myself a mugger's fondest dream. Had I been mugged, and called a big fat idiot... I would not have felt, I assure you, that they were " blaming the victim ", I would have thought they were right !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): I think he sounds quite rude and disrespectful. My ex was similar. I was discussing lack of trust between teacher pupil relationships regarding a young teenage girl who had been groomed from the age of 13 by her maths teacher. The said man had sex with his pupil before 16. My ex announced that it was hardly a problem as she was almost sixteen. He sounded like an ignorant pig and these clangers were simply his bigoted views. One by one he offended my lovely friends and family
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2016): He just say's it as it is (in his mind) which he is entitled to do, even if people don't necessarily like what they here.
He may be tactless and create awkward silences, but this is part of his makeup and really you can't change that. His opinion may be a little strong/strange but none the less it is his opinion and he should have the freedom to express himself.
My father is in the extreme 'I speak as i find man' and no one would or could change him, he is very intelligent and wise but lacks timing and tact. We could stand on his foot, cringe, hide and he will still 'say it'. The way we all deal with this is laugh because it is quite funny sometimes, because you want the floor to open up and just disappear.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 April 2016):
When I read your post, immediately the old proverb popped into my brain. "Even a fool is considered wise if he keeps silent, and those who hold their tongues are considered intelligent".
Honestly, if I heard a guy say that in front of me, I may not say anything and be counted among the awkward silence, but I would think, "So, if a woman didn't carry pepper spray, does she "deserve" to be raped"? or "So, if someone doesn't get an automobile security system, they deserve to have their car stolen?"
I know it's secondhand when you relay it, OP, but it's more than just saying something that "sounds wrong", because when you posted his "clarification", in my mind, he sounded even worse than his initial statement. Victim blaming is a red flag. Society SHOULD be blamed as well as the individual perpetrators of crime and misery. You don't blame a woman dressing provocatively for being raped. You could go to the streets of Singapore at 3am as a woman and be 10x more safe than you would be in Chicago at 3am, because the Singapore government has really harsh punishment on rapists, like 24 lashes with a cane harsh.
My point is - don't let your love be so blind as to excuse stuff he says. When he reveals stuff like that inside him, don't dismiss it as letting his mouth get ahead of his brain, because when he clarified, he just made it worse.
You may be right in thinking that he's the most gentle and loving, never hurt a fly, etc., but it's quite possible that that is the persona he's presenting you with so that he can impress and court you. If I were you, I'd stop giving him passes and start really probing his brain about things when he blurts stuff out like that, because I'm more inclined to think that those are the times when the mask slips and he makes the mistake of revealing his "true" self.
Stop giving him passes and start really getting to know him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2016):
 If he’s a slow learner, he’s a slow learner. Perhaps encourage him not to talk too much when he’s tipsy or flat out drunk?
“Hey, Gerard, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Remember the tipsy comments you made? The ones about parents deserving to have their children snatched, or the puppies who wind up being shot because they peed on the carpet, or the women who get raped because they happen to be wearing shorts on a hot day? [What other things has he said? I’m making things up here.]
“I know you are great guy who wouldn’t harm anyone, but sometimes, these tipsy comments you make seem to give people the wrong impression.
“Have you had a chance to think about why you might be saying one thing when you really mean another?
“Is there something you could do to prevent these sorts of misunderstandings?”
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2016):
 Does he lack filter? Or does he "just" speak before thinking?
I don't think YOU need to be embarrassed over things HE says, unless the statements are just all "wrong". Whatever HE says is HIS opinion and well, he is ALLOWED to have his own opinion.
My guess is when he is nervous he "blabbers" (aka talk without thinking it through first). He wants to talk and be social but open his mouth too "fast".
What can you do? I don't really know, other than accept it or help him elaborate when something odd pops out of his mouth. Though the later reminds a bit of a parent and child situation...
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