A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have known him for about 2 years, between this time we were friends and we grew closer together to the point where we admitted we had feelings for each other. We started dating recently in February this year, however he has shown some signs of insecurity but I am not sure if these are signs of controlling behaviour.Basically, if I am hanging around my friends (mixture of guys and girls) I usually tell him, and like wise he tells me when he hangs around his friends (also mixture). The other day he got very upset because I was giving him "half-assed" responses to messages and was very annoyed. I had to explain to him I was in the middle of cleaning and cooking so I could not respond well. He apologised and said it was silly, but he thought since he saw me online he thought I was chatting to my male friends instead (I usually have my status offline because I like my own down time) or he thought I didn't like him anymore.That same day, I had a discussion with him about personal boundaries regarding PDA. I had said to him to not slap my butt in public or anything inappropriate to make people stare. He got very very very angry and blew up telling me "I can't believe you think so low of me, you think I am a pervert with 0 common sense", "I have an ick for girls who think themselves as a prize and I am starting to reconsider dating you" and a lot of other hurtful things I wish to not remember. I was very physically shaken up - and this was expressed on text! I was crying a lot about it, I told him it would be best to take a day away and settle it when we are both calm, but he said "If we don't talk today and tomorrow I might not even talk to you for a week or even a month". I felt threatened. I cried even more and didn't even respond to that message. After 10 or 15 minutes he calmed down and apologised many times for his behaviour and he knew I was crying. He called me to then scold me on the phone about what I said to make him so upset, he was trying to comfort me and help me not cry as well. He got even more upset when I shared this with my brother, and asked why. I told him he was not emotionally stable and I needed some comfort, so I spoke to my brother. He said this was "our" relationship but I said he was in no state of mind to be consoling me with his behaviour as I did not feel emotionally safe. He pretty much said if I had not bought up the PDA thing he would of not behaved that way. I made it very clear to him I would not tolerate this behaviour again. I am pretty certain I will leave if he reacts like this again.His reasoning for this was because I had bought up some issues and my consistent need for reassurance for 4 days straight is what made him blow up becoming aggressive. I had told him Id work on it, but this had also happened in other relationships, I got the reassurance I needed and I did not ever seek reassurance again. I know this is a personal issue of mine, and I was trying to help him see his anger outbursts were not called for. He also wishes to talk to me every day for hours (we chat up to 4-8 hours a day), he even calls me while he works. He gets a bit upset when I ask for time by myself but he respects it. He says he is always excited to talk to me, he calls me his "perfect" person. I don't see this as "love-bombing" because we have known each other for so long. I worry sometimes he relies too much on me for his own happiness, he even waits for me to come home from work so he can talk to me. Im not sure if its true or not. I try and encourage him to do other stuff with his friends or find other hobbies but he says he isn't interested in any of that, just our relationship, his family and bike. I'm working on building some sort of space between us, because it is becoming too much for me. He even texts me while his working. It is a bit too excessive. But the fight is really making me reconsider our relationship. I had asked him to please work on his anger, he says it rarely happens to that extent but he really needs to work on it. But if it happens again I am leaving.I want a very critical answer to this. Does he seem controlling or insecure?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 April 2024):
 I have so many questions..
You write:" I had said to him to not slap my butt in public or anything inappropriate to make people stare."
HAS he ever slapped your but in public or done anything inappropriate to make set that boundary with him?
Or were you having a conversation about thing you/he doesn't like?
Or was it just out of the blue?
I get setting boundaries; I think it's healthy. I think it's good to know what you DO and DO NOT like a partner to do when it comes to PDA. )and other things)
For him to fly off the handle about it a RED FLAG.
You say I don't "like" being groped or having my but slapped in public - doesn't mean you THINK he would totally do that (unless.... he has ALREADY done so).
"He also wishes to talk to me every day for hours (we chat up to 4-8 hours a day)"
That is nice that he wants to talk to you every day and for hours, but REALISTICALLY - you might not have to time to be on the phone for hours. The fact that he got a "bit upset" when you (again) tried to set some boundaries and have to time to yourself. Is another RED flag.
" he even waits for me to come home from work so he can talk to me."
That is sweet. And not strange when a relationship is new. But it can also seem a bit "clingy".
People need hobbies. You can't be another person's everything.
As much as I think a couple need to find ways to resolve their issues, I can see why you called your brother and talked to him, but again... your brother isn't part of your relationship.
"He pretty much said if I had not bought up the PDA thing he would of not behaved that way."
But he would have. Over something else. Telling you what subjects you can and can not "bring up" (if you don't want to incur his anger) is a RED flag.
He doesn't seem to accept that YOU have your own notions and ideas.
"He apologised and said it was silly, but he thought since he saw me online he thought I was chatting to my male friends instead"
Another red flag. The FIRST thought he had was - YOU must be talking to other men!
Apologizing doesn't change the fact or the underlying issue.
OP, I don't see him changing. This is who he is. A man who will have outbursts here and there and make them your fault. You two (if you stay together) will have fights here and there. The BETTER you get at communicating the less likely you are to having these misunderstandings/arguments.
How much time do you two spend in PERSON with each other?
And lastly,
"But if it happens again I am leaving."
Remember that. If that is a boundary you have set (for yourself) then STICK to it. But don't use it as a threat to "control" him.
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