A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m not so sure I love my fiance anymore and deep down I think he knows it too but won’t accept it because he’s a creature of habit. The spark in our relationship has faded over the years for various reasons, for example, he works so much overtime that we barely see eachother whereas before we bought a house together we would go on holidays/dates all the time, he never comes to bed, preferring to sleep on the sofa downstairs because he “falls asleep there”,, he’s always on his phone and barely so much as looks at me and we have different values, for example I would like a lovely home, whereas he is happy living in a junkyard home and would rather buy another car or unnecessary tool. I know this is just part of who he’s anlways been and it didn’t become a massive issue, until last year when I fell pregnant with our first child. With hormones added into the mix it’s pretty safe to say that I became a bit of an angry nightmare and would flip out on him any time he annoyed me (pretty much daily) I would openly admit to being irrational at times, I would call him names (I’m not proud of this), would say I wanted to leave him etc. I now realise that this is because I don’t find him approachable as he brushes any issues I have under the carpet. Consequently I would internalise my feelings towards him until I would explode in one angry outburst and would later apologise. We both put this down to pregnancy hormones. And he would say “it’s fine, I can take the outbursts” Over the years I’ve come to realise that the caring person I thought I’d met was actually not caring at all. He was brought up by two emotionally cold people, one of which was physically abusive towards him so he is emotionally dead himself although he wouldn’t agree with this, he says he “loves” me but I just know he doesn’t and is good at telling me what I want to hear. Anyway, I had our baby son, who is now 3 months old, and thought perhaps when the hormones had settled down I’d be able to regain my composure and stop being as angry towards him. I haven’t. I’m even angrier than ever with him over the slightest little thing and it’s got to the point now where I dread him coming home from work because I know he’ll immediately annoy me and I now find him physically unattractive and can’t bear the thought of having sex with him. Things that didn’t bother me before like his bad breath, athletes foot, smoking and bald head now really bother me. And he is absolutely useless with our son. It’s as if his life has not changed, he goes out to work, does overtime, sleeps on the sofa while I tend to our son in the night, goes out with his friends still. I’m lucky if he holds our son for 10 minutes in the week, I feel like he hasn’t bonded with him at all and when I talk to him about it he just replies with something like “well I changed his nappy just the other day how can you say I’m unhelpful” or “I held him for 40 minutes the other day so you could cook the tea” and he refers to him as “the boy”‘instead of his name. Some would say he’s old fashioned and expects the woman to do all the childcare/cooking/cleaning. Others would call him a mysoginist.To make matters worse, we now have both my mum and his mum living with us temporarily because they are both homeless. My mum doesn’t like my partner or his mum and can’t see why I’m even with him which makes things so awkward around the house. She relishes in telling me how useless he is and how I should leave him, despite me having a mortgage and a baby with him now. My fiance knows my mum doesn’t like him and when they are in the same room there is just awkward silence. The dynamics are awful and are not helping with the already strained relationship between me and my fiance. My mum doesn’t trust him around our baby because she thinks he’s useless, so anytime I need someone to watch him she volunteers. But I feel like this is further reducing the bond my fiance has with our babyAny time I try and talk to him about how I’m feeling, I feel like he shuts me down. There have been a few occasions where I’ve actually said I’m not sure if I love you anymore and he just won’t accept it. Tells me I’m being silly, that I do love him and that I’m just hormonal. He then says he will “change his ways and be more helpful and come to bed more” but that would mean less overtime and less money being brought home. And he changes for a day, is more helpful then goes back to being useless the next day. Then tries to make me feel bad by saying I’m working all the hours god sends for “our family” and “for you so that you can have the life you want”, I should cut him some slack, he can’t do it all blah blah. Before the pregnancy I was also working full time and bringing home a decent wage (I’m now on maternity leave and still contribute a monthly wage). He’s on double the money that I am but still worked full time and will be continuing to do so when my maternity leave finishes.I don’t know where this thread is going and feel like I just need some advice from an outsider looking in. Am I being irrational? Do you think there is any chance of saving this relationship and me being able to feel love for my fiance again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2024): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice
Unfortunately, his mum is with us until June/July as she is completely renovating her house and has no plumbing/water in place. My mum is with us for a few years due to poor credit/finances. My fiances mum isn’t really involved with our son. She holds him for 10 mins maybe once every couple of days. My mum is very good in that she keeps on top of the housework for me while our baby is so young and she will look after him whilst I nip out to do the shopping or get a shower. The thing I’m finding hard is her negativity, she has mental health issues that are rubbing off on me, it’s like a big black cloud hanging over my head, she criticises my fiance daily, and she really doesn’t like his mum either and makes it blatantly obvious and slags her off to me constantly which makes things awkward for me. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can either talk to his mum otherwise my mum will kick off that I’m being nice to her. she’s also quite controlling in some ways and I feel like I’m treading on eggshells sometimes in my own house. Sometimes she can be irrational - the other day she asked me when my fiances mother was moving out because she can’t stand her being here, telling me to ask her to leave - of course I didn’t do that. I have friends that check in but they are the gossiping type that go behind eachothers backs so I don’t really trust them or feel like I can tell them too much information about my life. I have a sister with a level head but she’s getting sick of me confiding in her now. Counselling does sound like a good idea.
And that’s exactly how I feel, like he doesn’t take me seriously and quite often if I’m upset/angry he will laugh excessively because he finds it funny that I get so upset. This makes me angrier and more irrational and I just think to myself whenever I have any issues ‘what is the point in me talking to him about it?’ Because I know the response I’ll get and this is another reason why I feel like our bond has weakened. When we first got together I could talk to him about anything and would be fooled into thinking he cared.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2024): As an RMN with a counselling degree, this is a very complex situation and family dynamics.
Firstly, I would look at how your mum and his move can move out - what's the time line here? You can't solve anything if your kind is being saturated with more negative thought's and opinions of your fiancé. So, both need to go, in a nice manner of course.
Secondly, you both need to see a counsellor, yogether .
Thirdly . You need to see your gp and ask to see a therapist, as you sound stressed and depressed sweetie and your mental health is just as important as your physical one.
Then once that is all done . You can take a goof look at what you want .
If this isn't working then you need to have a plan to make sure that as a single mother you have support, can work and afford somewhere on your own with your baby and support from your mum etc .
Chin up honey. And let us know how this goes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2024): It seems that whether you get angry or just try to talk to him he doesn't take anything you say seriously. I don't think you're being irrational at all. He seems to be living like a single man and leaving all the responsibility for the child to you.
It's all very well working overtime presumably for the mortgage but what's the point of it if you're not happy with him. And why have you been so long together and still not got married? Just because you have a mortgage and a child doesn't mean you can't leave him if you want to. It must be difficult to decide with your mother chipping in with her opinion, but actually she seems to have a point.
I know it's scary leaving someone and a big upheaval, but do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Think what boundaries you want to put in place. For example you could go out with your friends sometimes. Sounds like you need some support from outside and more opinions than your mother's. You don't mention his mum. Does she take a part in caring for your child? Who does the cooking and cleaning? Is everything up to you?
I hope this helps.
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