A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently called me fat on a voicemail message when he was out and I was out but seperatley he said answer your phone u fat b*****d on text me calling me an wh*re and never to bother him again. He said he cannot remember any of this but he saw the text that he had sent and apologised and he does feel really bad about what he has done. Its not just that is other things too like we dont spend time together or do things as a couple either we have been together for 4 yrs now and deep down I am not happy but I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i just wish things where different.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): why do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who makes you unhappy? wouldn't you rather be happy?"i just wish things where different"But you have to face reality. Things are not different. They are what they are.it sounds like you're in a non-relationship held together only by your thinking and hoping that it is a relationship.
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Has this guy got a drink problem?
If so, nothing good will happen until he addresses that xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Let’s see
He called you fat bitch and whore… and told you never to bother him again
He alleges he blacked out and does not remember these things..
You don’t spend time together or do couple things
YOU ARE NOT HAPPY but you want to spend the rest of you life with a man who calls you fat, bitch and whore and then uses the “I blacked out” excuse?
You wish things were different:
I wish my man did not call me fat
I wish my man did not call me bitch
I wish my man did not call me whore
Why is he blacking out? Drinking? Drugs? Mental illness?
Tell me again what GOOD things you are getting from this relationship?
Do you really want to settle for this man?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 If you are not happy and he is sending you abusive texts, you need to leave this relationship. He is being emotionally abusive and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. You cannot spend your life with someone who abuses you. Do you realize even what you are saying here? He hurts you ON PURPOSE and you want to stay? I don't think so. Think about it.
Do not text, do not email, and do not call. If you try to talk to him he will just sweet talk you until you decide to cave in and go back to him. Do not return even if he starts sending gift to your door, crying, or begging. You can wish things were different all you want, but the reality is...he abuses you.
I had a boyfriend who constantly lied and sent emotionally abusive emails and made things as confusing for me as possible with all of his apologizing and backtracking. These men are serial abusers and will continue to keep you in this state until you are broken down so far you don't have the strength to leave. Get out now while you can and start hanging around people who are healthy and kind.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 But I love him!
What is it going to take for you to realise he doesn't deserve your love?
He does this, calls you names, deep down you are unhappy, but you love him so none of that matters.
As long as you are kidding yourself about that so called love you will remain unhappy deep down, and he will continue to treat you with no respect, consideration or love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): "He said he cannot remember any of this but he saw the text that he had sent and apologised and he does feel really bad about what he has done. Typical scumbag sequential response: You can't prove it and I don't remember it. . . Oh, you saved them? In that case I'm sorry. . . I feel bad about what I must have done, good thing I don't remember it because that means you can't be hurt knowing I didn't really mean it. "love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him,"Why? He treats you with absolute comtempt, honest to God you're just going to let what he said slide because HE feels about abhorrent behavior for which he takes zero ownership? Men can only disrespect women who don't respect themselves. "i just wish things where different."They're not. They're not going to change. Ever. No matter how much you wish and hope and pray and dream. He's a scumbag. That's reality. He is who he is. That's why he's with you, he's incapable of being in a healthy relationship so he has to latch on to someone just as damaged but in a way he can control. He's not going to change who he is, if you ever wise up (doubtful, you'll keep waiting for things to be different) then he'll just move on to someone else who'll let him get away with it. I can only respectfully suggest counselling. Scumbag is obviously filling some sort of long-term, deep-seated, huge, gaping void in your life, your past must have been very very unhappy and troubled to be settling for this gutter-crawling, sewer-dwelling lowlife.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Deep down you love him. Sure. EVERYONE loves their boyfriend. Love is not enough though. You're hurting, he's not nice to you, you don't do couples things, and it's going to get worse and worse. Listen, you DON'T want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Do you really want the rest of your life to be filled with nasty texts that he claims he can't remember, never ding couples things, and whatever else it is that is going on in the relationship?
No. Because when you say "the rest of my life with him" you don't mean HIM, you mean some idealized and imaginary boyfriend. You don't mean this one. You mean someone else. You want to have a boyfriend to spend the rest of your life with, but open up your eyes: this man isn't the one you want to be with for life. You want to be with an imaginary version of this man, which is someone who does couples things with you, treats you with respect, and never sends you such nasty messages. That's who you want. But that isn't the guy you're with right now.
Don't waste your time on him when he's not what you want. People don't change. Never make it your goal to change a man, always accept that he is what he is, and either what he is makes you happy or it doesn't. In this case who he is doesn't make you happy. And it never will make you happy unless you learn to be happy under such circumstances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): Ditto to you wish. I probably would have just broken it off. Love alone cant fix everything and what we want and what we need are two different things. How old is he? That sounds like somethin a person in their 20s would do after a druken bar night. mean drunks are downright nasty to be around. Anyways no 30 or 40 yr old man or anyone rly should ever say or do that. if they do i think theres something off with them, i would get out while you can.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Yeah, I think spending the rest of your life with him is probably not going to happen. This guy is a disturbed individual if he's texting and calling you and not even remembering that he's subjecting you to horrible verbal and emotional abuse.
I would talk to him, tell him that you both can't work out if this happens, and seriously get to the bottom of what's causing him to send these. If he's not remembering, does he get drunk or high?? If that's the case, then you should know that abuse only escalates.
It's up to you. If this were my guy, I'd kick him to the curb. However, if you want to give him one more chance, you look him in the eye and tell him that if you hear one more unkind word, voice mail, text, email, twitter, Facebook message, or phone call, it doesn't matter if he doesn't remember. You'll drop him, play his voice messages and/or texts to everyone you know, and that'll be the end of it.
Either way, do not put up with it. If he's getting drunk or high, that's a red flag all to itself.
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