A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year.I've been renting a house with some girls, but over the last few months have spent less and less time there to the point where I am really never there.I spend most of the time at my boyfriend's house. Well, actually it is his mother's house, and she has recently died.He is going to inherit the house, along with his sister. He wants to stay in the house, and his sister is going to sell him her half.Thing is, he can't afford to do this without me, as he does not have a permanent job. He could afford the monthly mortgage payments if we split it, but he can't actually take out the mortgage, with no permanent salary. So it would have to be me that took out the mortgage.My house with the girls is coming to an end, the contract is up in a copuple of weeks.I want to get my own place, to rent, so I have some independent space. At the moment half my stuff is in his mum's place with all his mum's stuff everywhere and half at the girls place. It feels like I have no solid base, so I want to get my own place and get grounded.I put this to my boyfriend, and have found somewhere very close. I said this way it will be more equal, I will feel more relaxed, he can come and stay at my place just as I have been staying at his. I think it could be really positive.He says he doesn't want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to live with him, and that I am running away because of fear.He also says that he will now lose the house and everything in it and will end up renting a shitty little flat so may as well leave the country, which he was planning on doing before he met me anyway. Also he says he would like to look for someone who actually wants to live with him.But he also says I am the love of his life.I think that if he loves me he would accept my need for space. He thinks if I love him I would want to live there with him.What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): Hi again. Well I rented the new flat and told my boyfriend last night and he still feels the same. Says if I actually move into it then I am ending the relationship.
So upset I said I would think about the house again. I feel awful, really unsure of myself and very sad.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It's so reassuring to hear about others who have been in similar situations to mine. I feel like I'm being rail roaded into doing what he wants and have been feeling so isolated about this but you are giving me confidence to go ahead and stand up for myself and not feel so bad about it. Thanks a lot.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 You are not running away because of fear. Goodness… you are not getting involved in a home buying situation with someone you are not formally tied to… it’s a SMART move.
If he can’t afford the home he wants he needs to figure out what to do… but he should not depend on YOU to buy his family home so he does not lose it.
He is being a bully…. And he’s blackmailing you with “if you don’t do this I will leave the country (and you)”… my response would be to offer to help him pack… seriously.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Absolutely DO NOT sign this mortgage with him if this is not what you want. If you want your own place, go get your own place. Let him and his sister work out what will be done with the house. Buying a home and taking on a mortgage is a huge responsibility. If you are not ready for it, do not do it. Kindly tell your boyfriend that you are not ready to accept this responsibility.
Your boyfriend is being a jerk by putting undo pressure on you and is trying to black-ball you into doing what HE wants. If he doesn't want a relationship with someone who won't live with him then I would say "Ok, I guess that is your choice" and leave. What he is doing is called BULLYING. You are young and just getting on your feet. You don't need a bullying boyfriend trying to force you into making major life decisions.
Maybe if he wants to play house, he should also ask for your hand in marriage?
I simply would not do this. I was like you and wanted my own place before I lived with anyone. I am still like that because I know all of the legal ramifications. I am 40 and still live alone. My boyfriend has his own place too. Stick to your guns, so to speak, and don't let him bully you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): Hey, I'm 31 and was in a similar situation with my bf. I rent my own flat, and love having my own independent space. After 3 months of dating, he moved out of a house he shared with another guy into his own flat, which he'd started the process of buying before we even met. We live a 20 minute walk from each other and see each other about 3 times per week. After 6 months of dating, he started asking me when I was going to move in with him. I explained repeatedly that I felt it was too soon, that I loved our relationship the way it was. He pulled some similar moves on me to your bf - telling me he was struggling to pay his rent&bills each month and that if we lived together, we could pool resources and save up for holidays and stuff (when actually, I can pay my rent&bills fine each month and save money each month, and would actually lose out financially by moving in with him). He then told me he didn't think I was serious about our relationship by not moving in with him - I told him straight how unfair that was as I'd been exclusive with him from the start, had organised trips away months in advance - the kind of things you do when you are serious about someone....he agreed that had been a low thing to say, but said his friends were saying that if I really loved him, I'd move in with him...that some of his friends had moved in with their gfs after 3 months....blah blah. Well, the pressure didn't work, because I knew I'd be happier living independently, so I did not cave in. I told him I was serious about him, that I loved him, that I enjoyed our relationship, but that I was not ready to live together. I told him that I understood if that was a deal breaker for him. I told him that I had heard loud and clear what he was asking of me, but that at this time, I was saying no, and that if this was so bad, I'd understand if he wanted to break up, but that I was not going to change my mind, and did not want to feel pressured by him anymore as it was taking away the fun from our relationship. And guess what? It worked! He stopped nagging about it. It still crops up from time to time in conversation, but not in a nagging, guilt-trip kind of way. Our relationship has grown stronger, and we are now at the stage of looking to find a place to buy together to move into together, having been together 2.5 years. He feels ready to share a home, I feel ready to share a home.
It sounds like your bf is behaving in a similar way, trying to guilt-trip you into moving in with him so that he doesn't lose out financially. In your heart, you know what you want, you know what will make you happy. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into something you don't want to do. It'd only backfire in the longer-term - either you'd resent him and the relationship would break down, or he'd realise his games work on you and he'd push you for something more in the future....giving him money? Paying the bills? etc etc.
Be strong. If he loves you, he'll respect your decision. If he doesn't, he's shown his true colours, and you can move on and find someone loves you enough not to pressurise you into doing something you don't want to just so they don't lose out financially.
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