A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. Me and my bf have just broken up and we are both devastated. we both still love eachother very much. There have been alot of problems, including me suffering from depression and paranoia which he really struggles with. I am on medication and having some counselling. The thing is although we have broken up we are still hanging out together but only occasionally and last night we had sex (I initiated this). What he has told me that he wants is to have a break from the relationship although he says we are not on a break and that we have broken up. The plan is to get together next properly on Valentine's Day for a meal that I booked before we broke up. It was very emotional last night he was crying and holding my hand and told me that he wanted to be best friends for now and to see how it goes. He suggested I look around for other men to date. He hasnt met anyone else and when I asked him if he wanted to sleep with other women he said no. We have both agreed to not sleep with other people until we know where things are going. i dont want to go into too much detail as to why we have split up, lets just say things got pretty bad, I was having panic attacks which led to me acting irrationally around him. I feel confused that although we have 'broken up' it actually feels more like we are 'on a break.' But he says this is not the case. I am wondering if the reason he is doing this (actually breaking up with me) is it is the only way for him to get some real, genuine, head space from the relationship. He has told me he feels he needs a break from it. I would like to hear people's thoughts as to why he has felt he needs to break up as apposed to just having a break. Like I said, things have got pretty bad and I think we are on our last legs. I feel this is my last chance to proove to him that I can change. I would like to hear your thoughts on this. He is a good man and very loving and I love him very much. I'm just a little screwed up. I dont want to lose him. So any thoughts or tips on how I should deal with this and behave. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 I'm going to suggest that he's trying to break up with you as gently as he can, giving you time to come to terms with it. I think he feels strongly for you but cannot deal with the problems your illness brings and has decided the best thing is to move on. He keeps saying you are 'broken up' because he doesn't intend to get back together with you.
I think he is trying to be kind, but in this case, it's a bit cruel because the way he's doing it gives you hope for salvaging the relationship.
You sound as though you are under a great deal of strain and distress. I also think that perhaps you aren't tackling your mental health issues with enough intensity and effort. I think it would help you if you made your mental health your NUMBER ONE priority, above and beyond the relationship with him. The way you wrote "medication and some counselling" just feels like you are making minimal efforts, almost as if you don't really feel this could help you recover.
You asked for help in how to behave. I think your best signal to him is to take on your mental health situation as your top priority and everything else, including a Valentine's dinner, comes second.
I honestly think he is not coming back to the relationship, that's why he's saying you are not "on a break," he is moving away from you and is not intending to reconcile. I expect he feels guilty about going no-contact with you and is worried for your mental health and that's why he hasn't made the physical split yet.
You may indeed be "just a little screwed up" but he can't deal with the ramifications of your illness. Get serious about your mental health and put worrying about the relationship on the back burner for now. He is not going to be the one who saves you, nor is he sticking around for any more drama. YOU have to SAVE YOU. Please access all the mental health care you can; this will improve your future in ways you may not be able to see clearly right now.
Take good care of yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): 'Why do I want him in my life?' Because I love him.
If there was no hope that we would not get together then he wouldnt have told me already that he wants to and that 'ofcourse there's hope.' Maybe I should have explained that earlier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): You need to deal with it like any break up and move on a bit mentally and emotionally. I don't mean get with another guy as that's never a good way to get over a break up anyway. I mean you have to turn your focus to you as a single person. OP you say you have issues and you're dealing with them, now if it's been causing strain between you and you've misbehaving towards him or taking it out on him then it's possible he's a trigger for this behaviour. He's just removed that trigger so you have less distraction now but obviously the pain of perhaps losing him isn't nice but it is the right thing for him to do. Use this time wisely to focus on your own issues for the moment, try not to focus on winning him back, it won't work because you've then wasted this golden opportunity to improve your own mental state and you'd have achieved nothing personally.
The reason he has broken up officially is kind of self explanatory OP. A break is not a break up, in a break you are still committed to each other, still attached so your focus then is too much on him, on solving your issues only for the benefit of making the relationship better. That doesn't work either, that's always only temporary, I think you know this OP, at our age we've pretty much seen it all. When relationship is in trouble because one partner is in crisis or is behaving badly and you take a break and they promise to change and to be better, they do for a little while but they always slip back into that behaviour again because they only changed it win the person back and they have won them back then the old behaviour comes out again.
Officially breaking up instead of a break means he has get out clause too. If he sees no improvement, no change, if things stay the same then he's already out of the relationship so he doesn't have to break up further down the line. He can just decide not to get back together.
In my experience OP this kind of break up is a bit of test too. It's a test to see if you're going to slump into a crying emotional mess that starts begging him to come back every 5 minutes and thus not give him the space he needs or whether you take this opportunity to have a bit of a soul search, give him his space and use this time to start enjoying your life again. Start showing him the independent, single woman he met and fell in love with still exists within you and can be the winner over the complicated mess that she has become. This has to be an honest move though OP, not one of these "pretend to be happy for his benefit" things that a lot of people do. That kind of false improvement doesn't last, it's shallow and it's transparent.
At the end of the day OP, this is a proper break up, while it may feel like a break to you because you're meeting for valentines and staying close "best friends" At the moment this relationship is officially over.
I must say too, just because he said he's not going to date anyone doesn't mean the relationship isn't over OP, only a fool would start dating so soon after a break up anyway.
It is best if you treat this like a break up, he doesn't want you to be some sorry sap, waiting at home crying, hoping he will come back. He wants you to find a bit of independence, he wants you to find a bit of freedom and get over these issues you have by focusing on yourself. You have an opportunity now to start improving your life without having the distraction of having a boyfriend whom you must consider in your actions, use your new found freedom to start rebuilding a good life for yourself.
Again though OP, this has to be real and it has to be for you. If you try to put on a front or you're doing any of this with the sole intention of winning him back then it will fail horribly for you.
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