A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend over 3 years(I'm 29, he's 31) I work in health care and watch a client of mine at his house to make some extra cash. A man who lives at the house with the client and is around my age, we have developed a platonic friendship. Nothing more than he and I talking and watching tv while I watch my client. This man knows I have a boyfriend and that I'm not interested in anyone else. He added me on a social media site recently, I messaged him when I was about to go over there to see if he wanted to order food, his reply, "you know the way to my heart." My boyfriend got on the social media site because my password is saved on my computer, saw the conversation and is very upset. He wants to go over to the house and confront the man, is accusing me of cheating and saying that I shouldn't even be his friend on a social media site and that I've betrayed his trust. I told him that I never have and never would cheat on him. I know that time always bring clarity to situations. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2015):
 OH! THANK YOU Honeypie! How did I miss that?!? That does change my advice, except for the violation of privacy part. That part is a load of steaming crap.
Yeah, if I were your boyfriend, and you were spending a load of time with someone who WASN'T the client, that "way to my heart" comment would be off-putting. Frankly, there is a danger of this guy having feelings for you if he's making comments like that, plus...you need to be careful about your own professionalism in this case.
Your business is your client, not the other guy. Spending a bunch of time with this other guy watching TV puts you in danger of neglecting your client. It reminds me of teenage babysitters who go to babysit little kids while the parents are away, and they spend all the time either chatting with friends on the phone or their boyfriends while just doing the bare minimum of work.
Your boyfriend needs to chill out, but you need to not feed into that flirting. He's not your client, as I misstated earlier. And, I think meeting the guy in a neutral place is on the table since he's not the client.
I certainly wouldn't type "Hey handsome" to another guy in social media! Only my husband gets to have that kind of attention from me. There are some places where very subtle flirtation is appropriate, one being in the medical field, where a good ego boost is a good bedside manner, or in sales, where you make the person feel like a million dollars by subtly complimenting his or her intelligence and taste because you know they'll walk out with whatever it is you're selling.
So I revise --- your boyfriend violated your trust. But you can't be insensitive by acting inappropriately with him. I'd talk to the guy and tell him not to act flirtatious on social media with you.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 February 2015):
This is my point exactly- the fact that he wants to go to her place of employment and "confront" (not MEET) this guy is a huge red flag for me that he doesn't know how to behave appropriately, therefore I believe any meeting should be on neutral ground, not the home where the presumably disabled and vulnerable patient lives. She needs to keep this far away from that house.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
 I agree with the VIOLATION of privacy. Which is why I stated he didn't trust you BEFORE this message. (or he wouldn't have "broken" into your FB account).
I still say I'd have him pick you up from work (maybe after a GOOD sit down and talk about boundaries, respect and privacy) - so he can met the guy.
(YouWish the guy she has befriended is NOT the patient, but someone living WITH the patient, so I think he can handle saying hello to the BF).
UNLESS the BF has a temper or doesn't know how to behave (which in a way is questionable as he certainly had no qualms going through your PERSONAL FB page).
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 February 2015):
Your boyfriend needs to own up to the fact that he betrayed YOUR trust by breaking into your computer and going snooping. I would bust his chops for that. Your boyfriend has trust issues, and his little stunt *IS* a privacy violation. The saying "The way to a man's heart..." is a well-known one.
I am in the firm camp of DO NOT LET your boyfriend "confront" a person in your care through your work. Seriously?? That's your fricken LIVELIHOOD! Your boyfriend needs to get a grip. He should have, upon seeing that comment, come to you. Not snoop, not go into a Neanderthal tear about how you betrayed his trust (he didn't have it to begin with if he broke into your computer before talking to you).
The fact that you are a CAREGIVER to this guy didn't factor into your boyfriend's irrational territory-marking?? Do people not realize what "caregiver" entails? My grandmother was a caregiver as a career and would go over to people's houses. The amount of feces-cleaning, vomit, medication, feeding (sometimes literal spoon-feeding), colostomy bag changing, medications, housekeeping, all of that! What you did was make your client feel like he's part of the human world. That's called "bedside manner", and your boyfriend needs to grow up.
And YOU -- you need to draw boundaries. Your boyfriend betrayed YOUR trust, not the other way around. Having a partner doesn't entitle him to rifle through their things, their email, their diaries, records, phones, or social media. I would guess that this is not the first time he's gone snooping on you. I'd consider a guy who was comfortable with breaking into SM to be a dealbreaker. I'd break up with him, because I don't snoop on other people and expect the same courtesy.
Your boyfriend's in his 30's too! That sort of hyper-jealousy is oftentimes found in someone younger than him. My boyfriend at the time (he's my husband now) went ballistic because a fellow musician of mine I was collaborating with shot me an IM saying "That hook is sexy! I'd expect no less from you!" And he went ballistic. But he was only 21 at the time. I calmed him down, but geeze, jealous guys are like dogs, and you're the fire hydrant.
*HE* has betrayed your trust, not the other way around. Do not reward him by putting your livelihood in jeopardy. Indulging and pacifying trust issues make them worse, not better.
This is what I would say to your boyfriend if I were you:
Listen, I have told you that there is nothing inappropriate going on. You can either accept that or not. But I will tell you this -- I will not ever accept you invading my privacy again. That's a breach of trust, big time. Hacking into my computer and social media is NOT your place, nor is snooping in my personal business. You do that again, and you are done. And if you can't trust me, we are done, because I do not have to justify myself to placate you. I have done nothing wrong. You stay away from my clients and my business. It isn't your place to go storming into a medical patient's house, and I am not your property. I crossed no lines and will not be controlled by your jealousy. It either stops, and all snooping and accusations will stop now, or this relationship stops, because I would rather be alone than feel claustrophobic and caged because you are insecure and territorial. I have already reassured you that I am interested in nobody else but you. The fact that you can't accept that is not my problem, but yours. What *IS* my problem is your invasion of my privacy. And that ends NOW. I catch you on my phone, social media, or anything of mine that is private, and you're on the curb. My conscience is clear. YOU are the one with the problem."
Do not coddle him anymore. Do not reflex with "I have nothing to hide" and give him access where he is not entitled to it. Stand your ground there, because you need to, or you will get smothered and accused with every male client you take on. He is not your husband. He is not entitled. If he had seen a comment BY YOU on social media talking about his "package" or "I'd love to spoon feed you, baby! XOXOXO" or something like that, it would be different.
And DO NOT LET HIM near your client.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): Aren't you blurring the lines between work and friends here a bit?
For precisel'y these reasons I'd not have people like clients or their relatives on social media.
You can be chummy and what not in person but I'd keep it professional.
Your bf is not being irrational. He has reason to wonder what is going on After that message.
I'd wouldn't be happy either in his shoes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2015):
 best suggestion... let the boyfriend meet the young man at the home where you work. Let them become friends.
and be transparent with your friendships. BF should have known about the young man, and if he did then it would have made sense for you to friend him on facebook.
if boyfriend continues to react badly after meeting platonic friend at your work site then you need to rethink boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 February 2015):
And I really meant that, lol!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): The fact you spend part of your time chatting and watching TV with this guy might be a little cozy; so your boyfriend feels threatened by a guy who wants to a "friend;" while you're a "working" guest in his home. Just a good talk with him about it should suffice. However; introducing a new male-friend into your life having a boyfriend will rock the boat a little.
A lot of people write to DC out of concern about outsiders intruding on their relationships. Either exes or BFF's. It is always a little scary to see your partner hitting it off with a a third party, and spending time alone with them; when you're not there to "monitor" their behavior. It literally threatens people to feel someone else may be too close to you. The fear is they may have more romantic attraction to you than you are aware of; and you may be getting slowly seduced or taken-in while being very naive. They worry that you are more "receptive" than naive, when it is involving the opposite-sex. Even gay people get jealous of close-ties between their mate, and a friend of the opposite-sex. Resentment for the friend is the usual emotional-reaction. Sharing time, which is sometimes limited, only adds to the stress. Keep a fair balance.
Women sometimes become very nurturing and affectionate to express their feelings and fondness for someone. This is why their man gets very uncomfortable about their straight male friends. Primal instincts to protect your mate arise, the ego is on high alert; while you yourself may see it as perfectly innocent. We men know sexuality is very frequently on our minds. So the male ego bristles around other male-competition.
Well, if you take a poll of the number of women who would love to push their male partner's female-friends over a cliff, you'd think those significant numbers is the consensus that people in committed-relationships are uncomfortable about friendships of the opposite-sex with their partners. Unless these friends are ugly, over-weight, gay, and pose no threat. People simply do not like any competition for your love and affection. If they don't know that person, they have no way of evaluating their intentions and the extent of(or how to define)your connection to them. So it's fear of the unknown.
You may be just a little too friendly if you are sharing time with the guy when you're supposed to be working. Then offering more attention through messaging the guy. You are increasing his access to you on a more personal-level. That's what upsets your boyfriend. Only because he doesn't know him, while you spend time alone with him in his house.
If your boyfriend was always aware of the guy, he's being silly and adolescent in his behavior. If they've never met and you're getting increasingly chummy; he might have reason to be concerned. The fact you keep them apart from each other is causing the problem. They've never been introduced, so now the guy is seen as an unknown rival.
Look at it from your boyfriend's position. You will have to show your man that he has no reason to be threatened. If you know your boyfriend is the jealous-type, which he would have shown in the past; then don't pretend to be so naive. You would have seen this coming. If this is out of the ordinary; it's because people nowadays see friending on FB as publicizing your affiliations to people. Then you can block private communications so others can't read it.
Making any romantic-reference, no matter how innocent; might be misconstrued as a flirtation. If a woman texted your boyfriend that he did something that was the "way to her heart;" I suspect your reaction would have been the same, or worse. Stop pretending to be so innocent. That's what scares your boyfriend.
Reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. Make sure in your own head that is true. Suggest to your new friend that when sending messages; he not use romantic-references, or make any implications that may seem romantic in nature. Ask that he please always show respect for your boyfriend. Then continue your friendship.
Your boyfriend has no right to pick and choose who you befriend on Facebook, and you do not require his permission to have male friends. Then make sure while you're at work; you're keeping a professional-distance, and showing a professional-attitude when on duty. Remember, you're on paid-time. You may be casual and on good terms with your employer; but it might seem you're taking advantage of him to be sharing time with his housemate while he's paying you to be there.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 You are doing a job where the opportunity to cheat is always there. I'm not for one moment suggesting you would, but it's something you need to be mindful of.
You have an opportunity to cheat with a bloke, you spend time regularly with him and he says you know the way to his heart. I understand why your boyfriend feels uncomfortable with this situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2015): your boyfriend is just concerned about this man .
And do you blame him?
Lets be fair a lot of men can have hidden agendas to why they are speaking to women , ( ok sometimes not but a lot of the time we are )
its not a case of him not trusting you he is concerned over losing you. And in terms of Facebook he could probably argue the case of not mixing work with friends or what ever.
I am not saying he is absolutely right but as a bloke , there are many occasions where things like this lead to the usual .
Maybe he needs re-assurance in some way
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 methinks he doth protest too loudly. Perhaps it is he that is the doer of mistrustfull deads?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 February 2015):
I have to disagree with the others. It sounds like your boyfriend is quite irrational right now, and if he takes you over there I fear a confrontation that could put your job in jeopardy. In my opinion the only way this is viable is if you can get him to promise, and trust that he will abide by it, to not cause a scene or threaten, etc. If you think he may violate any such agreement then you should not do it. A meeting on neutral ground might be a better idea.
You need to figure out if this is a larger red flag, though. If he is excessively jealous and controlling that is a bad thing and I wouldn't suggest staying with him.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 February 2015):
I have to disagree with the others. It sounds like your boyfriend is quite irrational right now, and if he takes you over there I fear a confrontation that could put your job in jeopardy. In my opinion the only way this is viable is if you can get him to promise, and trust that he will abide by it, to not cause a scene or threaten, etc. If you think he may violate any such agreement then you should not do it. A meeting on neutral ground might be a better idea.
You need to figure out if this is a larger red flag, though. If he is excessively jealous and controlling that is a bad thing and I wouldn't suggest staying with him.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 February 2015):
I have to disagree with the others. It sounds like your boyfriend is quite irrational right now, and if he takes you over there I fear a confrontation that could put your job in jeopardy. In my opinion the only way this is viable is if you can get him to promise, and trust that he will abide by it, to not cause a scene or threaten, etc. If you think he may violate any such agreement then you should not do it. A meeting on neutral ground might be a better idea.
You need to figure out if this is a larger red flag, though. If he is excessively jealous and controlling that is a bad thing and I wouldn't suggest staying with him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 February 2015):
 Your boyfriend is a prat. Has he never heard people refer to food as being the way to a man's heart, and the many, many variations on the theme.
Does your boyfriend understand the work you do, and the issues your clients may have? I am wondering if he feels threatened by the thought of your clients (irrational fear of the unknown) and this is how that fear is manifesting.
Honeypie's suggestion that you get your boyfriend to come pick you up is a good one, try it and see if your boyfriend will do it.
If he refuses then you need to think about your long term future, and maybe consider a new boyfriend, because you know that other old saying, "you can't fix stupid".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2015):
You BF doesn't trust. He didn't trust you before this happened either. Because ONE incident where a conversation taken out of context, should create THIS much drama.
However, have you told your BF about this guy? That you added him? That you talk and regard him as a friend?
I don't believe a partner should DICTATE whom you (general you) can talk to and whom you can't. Specially not people you regard as friends.
Why not let your BF met this guy? See that he is "harmless" ? Ask your BF to come pick you up and meet him? If that doesn't do it? Well, then you are screwed because your BF doesn't trust you, doesn't trust your word and you can't change that.
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