A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I enjoy sex with my boyfriend but he sometimes says I think of him as a toy? We seem to enjoy each other very much, when he initiates, I always engage and want to please him but when I initiate, he often turns me down and states that he needs a minute and follows with "i'm not a toy". I don't think I objectify or contiously make him feel this way, nor do I expect him to perform shortly after the previous climax. Do I make him feel less of a man b/c i seem to enjoy sex just as much if not more than he does? What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): His response, to me, sounds like he is experiencing some degree of performance anxiety. It seems as though he's worried about responding to you physically with the immediacy that he might mentally want (it's a common concern for many men). He may be (unfairly) venting his frustration about this to you when he says 'I'm not a toy'. It also fits with the idea of him 'needing a moment' to get into the right frame of mind. Conversely, when he initiates with you, he's already 'in the mood' and able to get going straight away.
I don't think you need to change anything about your own desire or behaviour. You sound like a normal, well-adjusted woman with a healthy sex drive. Your boyfriend should be rejoicing in that - so many sad questions on this site come from guys whose partners simply don't share their enthusiasm for sex. You should by no means feel that you have to avoid initiating sex or deny your own desires.
I think it would be good to talk to him about this. However, it is a very delicate subject because if it is performance anxiety, it can be made much worse by a bad choice of words when bringing the subject up. You need to tread cautiously when confronting the issue, and it might be wise to avoid direct mention of the problem.
Maybe next time he says 'I'm not a toy', try responding in an extremely loving, very calm, but slightly hurt manner. Tell him you love him first of all, and that you know he's not a toy and would never want to treat him that way. Then (very calmly and quietly) explain that when he says that, he makes you feel like you're doing something wrong or unfeminine in wanting to express your love for him physically. Add some flattery in there, e.g. that he's the sexiest man alive, you love being in bed with him, you can't help yourself around him etc. etc. etc. so he doesn't feel like you are complaining. Tell him that you completely understand if he needs a moment, but that he only needs to say and you will give him space. Explain that when he says the 'toy' comment, it does injustice to the deeply loving experience you two share, and that this upsets you just a little because the whole experience is out of this world for you and so meaningful.
Basically, lay the praise on thick so that he feels secure and this conversation doesn't worsen his performance anxiety, but still make your point gently underneath it. Remember, you shouldn't have to feel bad because he has issues, but you don't want to make a massive problem where there was only a small one before. You sound like a very kind and sensitive person, though, so I'm sure you can handle dealing with this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): You seem to be perfectly normal and like he is having issues. I'm not too sure other than trying to talk to him and telling him how you feel?
Seems like you have a slightly higher sex drive and he is feeling insecure about that or maybe confused because he doesn't understand that it's nothing personal, it's just how you are as a person. But remember it's not your fault.
He needs to deal with it.
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