A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is lovely to hang out with, but if he's not with me, he just goes into town and spends the evening drinking. Yesterday I was with him and he was saying he was still poorly so didn't want to do much. But he was just hungover from two days previously ( it was a heavy night with samboukas) When we are together we don't really drink at all and the more time we spend together and doing great stuff together, the more he says stuff about how great it is to enjoy life without the need for alcohol. But as soon as I am not there he is straight into town drinking.He says it's a social thing, which I can see as in England you doubt really go out socializing in cafes its more about pubs. But it seems like his friends are so boring, always calling him fir another session. I met them and I know he likes them so I don't say a word but, they are really sad just getting pissed all the time. Some of them are serious alcoholics, some of them are just regular guys like my boyfriend who like meeting their mates in the pubs.He is looking for work right now and it is quite hard. So he's on unemployment benefit until he can get the next job. He is getting shortlisted and I know he can do it. I guess drinking with his buddies is just a way to pass the time until he gets a job.It's annoying though because he says, 'you're keeping me on the straight and narrow' which I don't like. I think he should be able to stay out of the pubs on his own without me babysitter him.Also, it's not as if I make any complaints about his drinking, its not that think it's excessive, it's just not something I want to do. There are so many other things to do and we do those together. I just wish he would be motivated to do them when I am not there too.It's a bit hard to explain the feeling. I guess I feel a bit like a caretaker. There is an agency he can work for and they find him temporary work in nearby towns but too far to commute. If I was him I wouldtake these offers up and just swallow the going away bit until he gets a permanent job here. But he would rather stay on the dole for now. He says it would be bad for our relationship if he were to go away. Then he seems to spend inordinate amounts of time lazing around the house and going into town , then the next day being 'poorly'.I'm trying to be so encouraging about these local jobs he is shortsighted for as the last thing he needs from me is negativity. But I feel like he could be a bit more motivated.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 November 2012):
 Yes. This "man" is still a child.... and YOU have to make the decision of having a "boyfriend/mate/partner" who is an adult..... or having one who is an adult......
Good luck.....
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 November 2012):
 He's a lazy bum, short and sweet and he is taking advantage of the fact that you love him, to charm his way to staying unemployed and getting trashed with his mates...perfectly good for him but hell for you.
Here is a man who absolutely refuses to take responsibility for his life and relys on you to keep him straight.
Sooner or later you are going to realise that it's not likely to change. Maybe it's time to ask him for a break, so you can explore other avenues of happiness...maybe tell him to get back in touch when he has sorted his life out and gotten a job.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (16 November 2012):
 Hi
Well for a start I don't know how he can even afford to drink,unemployment benefit is around £67 pounds a week.
I am sure he could find better ways to spend his time,volunteering for a start. Job searching take alot of time up too.
I don't see why you should be motivating him though its not your role,he's an adult so therefore responsible for himself. You have your own life to lead so apart from wishing him luck with an interview theres not really much you can do.He chooses to go to the pub,nobody forces him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2012):
 I get it. what is your question?
is it that you don't' want to be mommy to this grown child any more? I agree. You can't mother him.
You can tell him "these are your options":
a. go work in the distant city and we will be LDR for a few months..." ya gotta do what you gotta do. Short term LDR where you can see each other every weekend is easy enough to do... my hubby and I did that for a year before he moved down here... it was hard during the week for us but it was worth it in the end... IF he says that not going is because it's bad for your relationship, I think he's using it as an excuse. Perhaps he's become depressed (to try to give him a reasonable OUT for not wanting to work) Work is critical for MOST men in terms of how they define themselves...
b. end the relationship cite: excessive drinking, lack of drive (not taking jobs out of town) placing pressure on you to be "the good girl"
perhaps what he needs to spur him on to be a grown up is for his caretaker (you) to stop taking care.
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A
female
reader, OnWeGo  +, writes (16 November 2012):
It's alright to feel that way like your a babysitter. Which I doubt he is trying to make you feel like. We cannot change another's behaviors and "social" habits, in some cases it's possible to help another through addiction or distress but it takes the person in addiction to want to change for themselves. Everybody is different just try and remain positive and don't become to overwhelmed by it, just be happy that he is comfortable and feels good about you being able to keep him sober. Don't look at it as babysitting look at it as a compliment. If you truely love this man, and you may not it's okay if you don't but if you do just stay positive around him and be happy they are in your life.
I take from experience from growing up around addiction and becoming an addict myself and overcoming it. I just needed to be surrounded by positive people I am one to appreciate a good conversation with strangers even I love talking to older people at the bus stop their stories are amazing!
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