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female
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anonymous
writes: Is Cybersex cheating?My boyfriend (of 4 years) is part of some adult match maker sites and often talks dirty or indulges in cybersex with users of the site. He'd left open some of his messages on the computer that I saw and was not very happy with.He has advertised both of us on the site as a couple (which originally I was interested in, but have since changed my mind) so I guess that makes me feel a bit better about it. But really, it is him who does all the playing online - I have nothing to do with it, nor want to.So I confronted him about it and he said its either online sex or he'll go out and pick up people for real. Supposing that may be a fair comment as we don't have sex hardly ever anymore and I have completely changed my attitude on experimental sex from when we first started going out, should we break up? Is Cybersex really cheating or is it an escapism that we can work around?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): all I can say is...GIVE HIM SOME! any normal man is yurning for sexual intercourse and will naturally seek for it....so..if you want him to stop with the online stuff...try to remember what it was like when you first got together and start with that...suprise him....give him something the internet cant!
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female
reader, keeneye +, writes (10 September 2005):
Say "No problem" to him, and then tell him you would like to never know about it again. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.... and then sign up for a profile on the same site. Make your profile sound like the EXACT woman that he'd want to get to know, and WAIT until he ends up contacting YOU without knowing it's actually YOU! Engage him in flirtatious emails, then bait him to meet in person at a bar one night as the hot woman wearing a black feather in her hair. That night, see what he tells you as his excuse to go out, and then show up at that same bar with a black feather in your hair and his bags packed and left on the sidewalk out front! Have a male friend that he doesn't know go with you, and leave promptly afterwards with him. Parting words? "Cyber THIS, jerk!"
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (9 September 2005):
I checked this one out with my husband to get a male perspective on things and he came up with something that I had not thought of. There seems to be a bit of a question mark around cyber sex. The emotional and mental bond that people make when having an affair often have a more detrimental effect on the relationship than the physical act. With cyber sex its all mental and emotional, there is no physical contact with the other person. So cyber sex is can be even more damaging, but without the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): Yes, cybersex is cheating. He's basically "cheating" right under your nose and expects you just to accept it? The biggest argument, some men use who are involved in cybersex, is that these cybersex partners are not real nor important to them. But I disagree. It can overstep in your real life-all he has to do is agree to meet one of these women in his home area. And believe me, it does happen. With your bf's cybersex activites, three very startling, disturbing things occcur, if they haven't already. Firstly, you will start feeling neglected, saddened & overlooked. Secondly, he's sharing intimate sexual details with an outside person, he should only sharing with YOU and thirdly, you will watch your partner’s focus increasingly, switch from your own loving relationship to one with some online person. It could be a matter of time-and they could decide to take it a step further and meet in real life. Whether your bf is salivating online or is out messing around in real life, the situations are very similar. And your pain and hurt is understandable. Remember this it is your bf’s behaviour and his clear-cut choice to do this...that's causing the problem. Don't accept his bad behaviour and allow yourself to be burdened with misplaced guilt and low self-esteem. You have done nothing wrong, hun. Constant nagging and recriminations will just serve the purpose of making his online partners appear more attractive. Never, ever allow your partner minimize your feelings of anger and jealousy by insisting that you are overreacting. Make him responsible and accountable for what he's doing.
In a committed, loving relationship, being sexual enhances one's relationship and does increases your connection, your bonding and sense of intimacy in building a fulfilling, meaningful relationship. He is "stepping outside" of the boundries and is sharing that special intimacy which should be only for you, with other women. and if he argues that it's just meaningless sex to him and it means nothing.... ask him WHY he doesn't want to share a fulfilling sexual relationship with you, anymore? The answer? He's finding it with other woman, online and it's just a matter of time before he will meet one of these gals for a "real life" dalliance. If you can see yourself tolerating this-then I've said my peace. But if can't stand for this..then either get him some serious help for his sexual problem or drop him before he drags you down under his rock, any further. Just my opinion...take it or leave it. Take care, dear and be strong.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): Right now a red WARNING sign is flashing. I see it and other people see it to, the reason why you dont is because you have been with him for four years and you obviously love him. However, here is the thing. The whole cyber sex thing isnt completely bad though there is a line that should not be crossed (meaning if he does it all the time) however, for my self i wouldnt allow it, but... if you are lacking in the sex department that can cause an issue to why he might want to "cyber". My advise to you is this, try being more frisky in bed. Of course doing things that your comfortable doing, but let him know that just because you guys have been together for so long doesnt mean your attraction or sex life needs to die out.
However, giving this guy the benefit of the doubt here is what makes me say "kick his ass to the curb" Its one thing to cyber sex cause he is frisky and isnt getting exactly all he wants from you, but to tell you either online sex or sex in the flesh says this guy doesnt care about you, your feelings, or your relationship. It sounds like he is selfish. I am sure there are alot of people out there whos sex life chilled out alot since the beginning of their relationship, and that doesnt mean there guy/girl is running online for sex.
In all honestly, there was no need for that comment to be said and no need to look for other people to satisfy his appetite when he has you. Obviously you care about him if you came seaching online for advise. I know it is easier said then done but look at the bigger picture here he doesnt care about you enough to put his own "needs" aside. Think about it, the guy you love just said he WOULD cheat on you. If thats not a warning sign I dont what is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): What would you call it if another woman was making your man ejaculate? It's definitely a form of infidelity, and we have to update our definitions as the world changes. But we don't have to change our responses to it. This guy is blatantly having affairs, and could care less about you. He sounds like a real pig. Let him keep jerking off to other women. Go find a man that will truly respect you. They're out there. I promise.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (9 September 2005):
 It depends on you both as a couple as to whether you may consider cybersex as something you can both work around and it depends on you as to whether you feel you can adjust to what he does.
My opinion? It is being unfaithful, unacceptable for many men and women out there if their partners were doing it and unforgivable that he has said that if he can't do it, he will go out there and be unfaithful 'for real'.
Most advice would probably be to ditch the guy and pretty quickly too. He sounds like a rat with an urge for sexual experimentation regardless of whether you want to join in.
Apart from suggesting you dump him, I would only say that you need to build on your flagging sex life in which to regain his attention but possibly all this has put you off.
If you wish to stay with him, then you need to work together to revitilise your love-making.
In my opinion, cybersex is cheating and his attention should be on you and taking time to rediscover each other.
Cybersex may well be a kind of escapism but really it should be you escaping from him.
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