A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 33 and my live-in bf is 38. We've been dating for almost 18 months – completely in love…plans to marry, buy a house, have a serious future together. About five months ago, he was using my Facebook account and discovered that I had been looking at the profile for a guy that I had previously dated several times a day for a few weeks. I know the other guy through mutual friends and it has been about four years since we dated. He was never my boyfriend, but we dated on and off for several months. When my bf saw that I had been looking at the other guy's profile, he became very hurt and felt betrayed. I DO NOT have any romantic feelings toward the other guy...I wasn't even that into him when we were dating. I was looking at the profile because I saw pics that he had started dating someone and it made me curious and nosy, stuff like that. Looking back, I should not have been looking at the profile,certainly not as often as I was. I never had any intention of hurting my boyfriend and didn't realize how much it would hurt him because I was doing it out of being curious and nosy, not because I wanted this guy back, or wasn't in love with my current boyfriend. I'm absolutely, 100% in love with my bf - and never did I ever, ever have any intention of doing anything more than look at this guy's profile. There were no messages exchanged, no texts, no emails - nothing like that. Nor was there ANY intention of me ever doing so. If I had realized at the time how much I was hurting my boyfriend, I never would have done it. I know it was careless and insensitive of me to do something like this without considering my bf’s feelings. But it wasn't even as though it occurred to me that it would hurt him...I never thought about it, because I never had any intentions of doing anything other than look. I realize now how much I hurt my boyfriend and how I would be devastated if I found out that he had been searching another girl. My bf keeps telling me that I'm in love with and obsessed with this other guy and that he's second best. I understand why it would look that way to him, but it is not true AT ALL. So I’ve spent the past five months trying to prove to my boyfriend how sorry I am for the damage I’ve done, that he is #1 to me, that I love him, and that I understand how badly I messed up. I’ve given my boyfriend access to my Facebook, laptop, and phone whenever he wants b/c I want to show him that I have nothing to hide. I've tried to explain everything and answer all of his questions. I’ve done big things, little things and everything in between to show him how special he is to me. But he just can't get over it. I know he still loves me and he keeps telling me that aside from this Facebook thing, I and our relationship are everything he ever wanted. He just can't get over this. He tells me the only way he can get over this is if I can explain to him why I did it...why I felt the need to look at this guy's profile multiple times a day for several weeks. The problem is that all of the explaining that I've done isn't enough for him. I've looked hard into my head and heart and can say with 1000% certainty that I have NO romantic feelings toward the other guy. I was a curious, nosy, busy-body. I know it probably sounds lame, but I don't know what else I can tell my boyfriend or what answer I can give him that will satisfy him. This has been going on for five months and I just don't know what to do. My boyfriend constantly brings the situation up, and throws it in my face almost every single day. Out of the past five months, there have probably been 15 days that I haven't cried. My boyfriend is torturing me with this. I know the situation is eating at him, but I just don't know what more I can do. My boyfriend and I are best friends. Aside from this, our relationship is great. We get along, have the same values, complementary goals, similar hobbies, etc. We've talked about going to counseling but he wavers - when I first suggested it, he refused. Then a few weeks went by during which he absolutely tortured me, which put a chip on my shoulder. Then he suggested going to counseling but we didn't go immediately and now he seems to think it won't help. I'm considering going to counseling alone because I don't know what else I can do. Something MUST change in our relationship, otherwise we aren't going to make it. I guess there's not much to lose by going to counseling...I guess I'm hoping a counselor can help me extract the reason I did what I did. My boyfriend has made me feel crazy about this - as I've said a million time, I know that there are no romantic feelings with this other guy, but no answer I give my bf satisfies him...I just don't know what to do. So I have two questions: 1) Any ideas on what I else I can do to save our relationship???? 2) Is what I did horrible enough for our otherwise fantastic relationship to end? The situation is important and very serious to me b/c it’s so serious to my BF, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel that he’s unnecessarily overreacting about this. I sometimes feel like he, too, knows that I really do love him and wouldn’t betray him, but since I hurt him, he’s punishing me for it. How do I make it end?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): 'why I felt the need to look at this guy's profile multiple times a day for several weeks'I get what you mean about being nosy and looking up an ex once in a blue moon. But multiple times a day for several weeks - that's a bit concerning. Did you look up other people too - girls and guys that you never dated or was it just him? If it was just him then I totally get why your boyfriend is not convinced that you were just being nosy.Yes what you did wasn't great. But your boyfriends' response is awful. He is being really cruel to you. 'Out of the past five months, there have probably been 15 days that I haven't cried.'That is emotional cruelty. No one deserves this. You don't deserve this. What you did warrants nowhere near this much grief from him. You are quite right that something has to change. I would simply tell him that you love him and you're sorry you looked up the ex. You've given all the explanations you can (don't give anymore)and now HE has to decide whether he can move past it or he can move out. There is no point in being miserable together. If he chooses to stay then neither of you mention it again.These are his only two options. Carrying on as you are now is not leading anywhere.
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