A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I told my boyfriend last week that I cheated on him and he didn’t get upset or angry, or even seem the slightest bit bothered at all. Ever since he’s just carried on as normal and says we should just forget about it and move on. Now I can’t tell if he genuinely doesn’t care or if he’s playing some kind of game to get back at me.I don’t have any excuses for what I did. I was selfish and heartless. I was out clubbing with friends a few weeks ago, met this guy and had a one night stand with him. I knew it was wrong but I was sure I would get away with it. I literally thought I could have my cake and eat it and never realised how guilty I would feel afterwards. Guess it proves I’ve just got a lot of growing up to do. I felt so bad that I knew I had to tell my boyfriend and could never just bury it forever.But his reaction has just baffled me. He just said he was glad I told him the truth about it and that we’d just forget it. If the shoe was on the other foot and I’d found out he’d cheated I’d be absolutely devastated and would have him out on his arse. I realise it makes me sound like a complete hypocrite but that’s how I’d feel. I just don’t get why he’s giving me a free pass and acting like nothing’s happened. Last night I had to ask him why he was just brushing it off like it was nothing and he just said there’s no point dwelling on it and to just move on. He even said if I did it again he still probably wouldn’t care too much. Is he a cuckold or polyamorous? Is he now expecting a free pass to be able to have revenge sex? We’ve only been going out for 7 months so is it that he’s just not that invested in our relationship yet? I really don’t know. Does anyone think they have an explanation?Thank you.
View related questions:
clubbing, move on, one night stand, revenge Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2022): I'm a firm believer in "Innocent until proven Guilty"
So, no, I would not go there with "he's setting you up for revenge".
It's one thing to keep that possibility at the back of your mind, still I would not allow that to be a major factor in my choice of actions.
An immediate reaction along the lines of "let's just forget about it and move on"... me, personally, I would not find intellectually rewarding in a relationship.
I'd be more interested in, Let's try to understand why you crossed the line...
We're so very young... Curiosity? Subconsciously, losing your current boyfriend is worth the price to pay for being able to experience something that, done later in life, might have a heavier price tag?
Have you learned something about yourself from this experience that helps you be convinced like... yeah, *this* is the reason why I can be certain that cheating is never worth it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2022): He's a keeper. Because you cheated you're more likely to do it again with Mr Right Now. A friend told me these young jocks had at our local pup had a MILF list. They were pretty successful. 2 of the ladies were exposed. One lost her home and husband. The other husband shrugged, said he'd sleep with a college cheerleader if he was on her list.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2022): We can ramble on and guess for hours, but you are the one who knows him and how he feels and reacts to things. Maybe he is a cuckold but if so he would have hinted at you doing such stuff at some stage in the hope of. You know precisely what is going on with him, to us he is just one of millions of guys in the world. Guys often see sex as just sex so think it's no big deal, very different to how women are about it. Because women rarely have sex just for the sake of sex, with most women there has to be some emotional feeling for the person, or they are drunk or it's about earning money. The guys who think it's just sex are short sighted and naive, and forgetting all this, and they may see it as a compliment that another guy wants you instead of thinking of how you could have arranged to see him again and then maybe replaced him with the new guy! He may be too conceited to consider that possibility. It also depends on how long you have been in a serious committed relationship. If it's a short time he has no rights anyway. But perhaps he does not see it as a serious committed relationship, he is glad when he sees you and does not care what you do when you are elsewhere.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): Your question annoys me simply because you said you wanted to have your cake and eat it and then when you find out that is exactly what your boyfriend is prepared to do you look to find fault in him!
Why should this be his problem when it's clearly your problem?
You went out and picked out a one stand and then to unburden yourself you "confessed" to him!
So you expected a big reaction and you expected him to fall to pieces and because he didn't you think he wants to be a cuckold or polyamorous?
Look, you laid your trap out but your bait didn't work...
He just said: "let's forget it and let's move on...
And now you have a problem with that?
Did you want to move on with him or were you looking for a violent episode!
Be crushed by his attitude if that's what you need to do, but stop trying to put the problem on him!
If you can cheat, you can learn to live with the consequences.
He is entitled to feel how he wants to feel!
I just hope you have worked out in your head why you wanted your glorious one night stand in the first place!
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (25 March 2022):
 At my age and stage of life I have mixed feelings about this.
I'm going to throw out a few ideas and ask you a serious what if.
1. Cheating is everywhere and happens all the time.
2. If we want to be at peace in life we have to forgive.
3. You can't undo it.
So your BF has some choices to make. He can accept that the imperfect world is full of imperfect people and that no matter how hard he tries he will never find a completely faithful partner. He can find a partner that is good enough.
Now that could be the case, or it could be one of the other mentioned possibilities or it could even be what you fear and he is setting you up.
Here comes the hard what if. What if the reason that he is letting this go is because he has his own very similar misdeed in his recent past? You have stated that you would boot him for what you did. Would you still?
A final bit of hope for you. People make mistakes. A one night stand that you feel guilty for is the best case scenario. The long term affair and the serial cheater are the ones that end up hurting you again and again. There is a fair chance that you will never repeat what you did. In the end it is up to you. Will you be the person of character you expect of others?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): The first thing that came to my mind is that he might have cheated too and now he feels that you are even and he does not have to feel guilty about it anymore, and/or that if his indiscretion should come out ,now you can't really complain because you did the same thing.Another possibility ,being that he is so young and probably immature, is that he is indeed upset and all cut up about this, but does not want to show himself "weak", it is more macho and cooler and smoother acting as if nothing happened. These are only guesses ,though, the only person who knows the answer is your bf, you should ask him directly. What I find interesting is, that you fear that his reaction shows he is not much invested in your relationship- well, you must be not much invested yourself, right ?, otherwise why going out and having an ONS ? I get it, you thought you could have the cake and eat it too, but had you been emotionally invested in your relationship, I don't you would have been even tempted by an occasional cake from some random unknown pastry shop...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): Typo correction:
"If he's one [of] those kinds of people, he may place you up on a pedestal where you can do no wrong."
"He may not be that invested emotionally quite yet; so he sees this as just a hick-up, and he thinks he's being cool about it."
P.S.
If you note any unsettling strangeness, or if he seems closed-off; I think it would be better that you end the relationship. I suspect you have a strange feeling about all this.
The fact is, you can't be in a relationship with someone you can't read; or with someone who could be plotting revenge right under your nose. It's healthier to let your feelings out. Pent-up anger reaches a boiling-point; and it can explode or implode. Neither one of these is good! It could also be unsafe for you! He may even be planning to hurt the guy you were with, if he ever finds out who it is! It was better you did confess, than for him to find-out from somebody else. It's easier to forgive and trust can be rebuilt on that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): I think it is a combination of things, and I absolutely do believe it's a mind-game. He is giving you a chance to stew in your guilt, and you'll keep wondering how or if he will have revenge-sex? You indicated how angry and upset you'd be had the situation been reversed; if by any chance you've let him know this, he is cleverly using the situation to his own advantage.
To be honest, the relationship is so new, and the both of you are so young; he may not be sure how he should react.
There is a possibility he himself also had a moment of weakness; but didn't bother to confess it. Now that both sides are even; he probably feels the best thing to do is to move on.
I also think your boyfriend might have the makings of a master manipulator. He is filing this away for future use. This, my dear, is strike one.
Many years ago, I caught my first partner in the act, and I was livid!!! We lived six stories up at the time; and the thought crossed my mind to throw the two of them over the balcony. Yet, I did forgive him. Had that ever happened again? Like you said in your post, he would have been out on his arse! As things stand now in the present; if anyone cheated on me, I would forgive them, but I would instantly end the relationship. I don't care how much I loved them, that would be it. For me, trust and faithfulness are very valuable. If you feel you need to be with somebody else, then go!
I can't continue to love somebody I can't trust. I don't want to give anyone the chance to test and push me, until I can't find it within myself to forgive people. You can hurt and emotionally scar yourself holding-on to people like that. You're young, this relationship isn't quite that serious; so this doesn't apply.
It's a possibility that he's internalizing, and this hasn't hit him at full-impact. There are people who suppress anger and go into a state of denial. If he's one those kinds of people, he may place you up on a pedestal where you can do no wrong. He wants to be with you, he wants you to be perfect; and may allow you to hurt him, and will continuously forgive you. Until one day he breaks. There is no telling what kind of behavior or reaction you might see if or when that happens.
Let's hope he's genuine, and just giving you another chance. He may not be that invested emotionally quite yet; so he sees this is as just a hick-up, and he thinks he's being cool about it. It's what lies beneath the surface that bothers me, and I don't feel completely at-ease about how well he's taking it. Something is off.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): I think he is passive aggressive. He is upset you cheated but is pretending it doesn't bother him because he doesn't want you to see that you hurt him. He needs to be the one to hurt you by telling you he doesn't give a shit that you cheated. In my opinion, that says there are mind games being played. It is the beginning of the end for the relationship in my opinion. Nobody can come back from cheating, especially if they pretend it did not bother them. It won't be the same anymore. I think he will probably cheat on you behind your back or find himself a new girlfriend as revenge. You are both VERY VERY young and not ready to be committed to any relationship. You proved that by cheating and he proved that by not caring. It is just a matter of time before one of you finds somebody else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2022):
 "Is he a cuckold or polyamorous? Is he now expecting a free pass to be able to have revenge sex?"
Only HE can answer these questions.
Could be that he isn't as invested in the relationship, or that he too has cheated, or that he wants to date you no matter what. Maybe he just doesn't care that you got your rocks off elsewhere. Which could mean he isn't above cheating either. But that is just a guess. You won't know unless you talk honestly and openly with him. My guess is he is just young and immature (like yourself) so really hasn't figured out what boundaries he wants, what his OWN values, morals and ideas are, pertaining to relationships.
You two need to have a GROWN UP talk about boundaries, what is OK and not OK in a relationship. And then stick to it.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 March 2022):
 His actions have baffled me as well. Finding out a partner has cheated is not normally something you just brush off and say lets just forget about it.
I don't think many men would be ok with their partners going with someone else, and even worse he has given you the green light to do it again. I can only think he is either planning a revenge, or he has not got any feelings for you anymore and is bidding his time before he makes his exit.
We could come up with many scenarios for his reason's for doing this. I do think that what you did to him behind his back for many people would be a deal breaker, a major red flag and breach of trust. Maybe he has not brushed this under the carpet, maybe behind your back he is torn up about this and in tatters, but is not revealing this to you.
In my opinion, you cheated on with him with someone else, yes this was wrong but you stood up to the plate and told him, so kudos for that. He has now given you the green light to cheat again. So just based on these two things does this not tell you that this relationship is kind of over.
No one can brush something like that under the carpet, and forget about it like it never happened, i know i coulden't.
I think you are going to have to accept the fact that this relationship is over.
...............................
|
