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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a five year relationship. I am 29, he's 34. Last night we were out. I left and came home without saying to him. He came home 30 min after, threw a bag at me which has bruised my face, then throwing me around the bedroom and banging my head on the floor. My 8 year old son was at a friend's for the night. It has happened before through jealousy. He said he would stop. He says I make him?
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female
reader, delphinet +, writes (25 August 2005):
It is very difficult to make someone do anything against their will... But to physically abuse their partner? You are not making him do it. You do not lift his hands and force him to strike you. It is NOT your fault. For your own sake, and for your son's sake, please leave him.
Take care, and get help if you need it.
Love Delphi
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2005): Someone who loves you should never abuse, should never hit you. Relationships shouldn't never, ever humiliate the people involved. Please understand, that you have the right to be treated with respect and not be physically or emotionally harmed by another person.
It's time for you to get out of the relationship fast. You need to protect youself and your little boy. Don't kid yourself, if it hasn't happened in front of the little boy, yet-it's only a matter of time. Can you imagine how terrified this child would be if he ever witnessed this!
I know of cases, where a child sees Mom getting hit and they try to intervene and the abuser turns on the child. Don't risk this! Believe in yourself and realize-you're worth being treated with respect and you can get help. First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult can help you. If the person has physically attacked you, get medical attention and call the police. Physical assault is wrong, it's illegal, no matter who is violating you.
Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from your friends and family. You might feel like you have nowhere to turn, or embarrassed about what's been going on, but this is the time when you need the support most. People like counselors, family, and friends will want to help you, so let them. Don't feel shame..tell everyone-get support!
Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the situation; the people who love and care about you can help you break away. It's important to know that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness-it actually shows that you have a lot of courage and are willing to stand up for yourself.
There are many resources available to help you. Your local phone book will list many crisis centers, help lines, and abuse hotlines. These organizations have professionally trained staff to listen, understand, and help.
Often an abused woman does not accept that she is abused and will contend that what has happened to her is not abuse. She makes excuses for his behavior and hers. Abuse cannot be rationalized or denied away. It can be hidden; it can be painfully endured; but it cannot be denied away. My final thought on this: "No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her body" Please seek help and get out.Remember, abuse has no place in love. Be strong and keep believing in yourself. Take care and don't give up. Remember, this could have damaging lasting effects on your child..think of him, too.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2005): For Gods sake leave.Please please do it today.....go to a shelter, go to your friends, your mum, your sister...whatever.I am worried to death reading your letter.
It won't be easy at first but this is the only way.
Please leave this man.You are worth so much more....and a man who does not hit you.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 August 2005):
 Hi dear,
This is an abusive relationship, and your boyfriend is using one of the oldest - and least believable - excuses in the book. So, you "make him" hurt you? And pray, how do you do that? Are you controlling the marionette strings on his arms when he's shoving you around? Are you throwing your voice when he shouts at you? Were you banging your own head on the floor, when his hands just happened to be around your ears for a loving embrace?
I thought not.
No, he's HURTING you, and he's doing it because he LIKES TO.
Leave this man, now, because he will never stop hurting you. He doesn't love you, he loves **controlling you** and making you afraid of him.
This is not a slam at you, dear, because I can tell you that your boyfriend doesn't like any women, anywhere, and any woman involved with him will get shoved around and hit. Somewhere along the line, he's learnt to hate women and given himself permission to knock them around, because - poor puppy! - he just can't control himself, so that when he has a disagreement you just "make" him throw things and hit you. (Please read sarcasm into that last sentence.)
The truth is that you don't "make" him do anything. He chooses his response to an argument. You probably do things that "push his buttons", because you're probably mad at him for beating up on you, so the relationship becomes a vicious cycle. But his blaming his violence on you is a terrible lie. This is not all your fault. If your behaviour affects him so much that he's not able to control his actions, you should be able to "make" him stop hitting you. You should be able to "make" him walk out of the house, instead of arguing and fighting. You should be able to "make" him choose to have a rational discussion with you, instead of throwing things. Right?
No, you don't make him hurt you. He does that all on his own.
But the point is, he promised it would stop, and now it's getting worse. As it will. Abusers promise, but they don't stop hitting.
Look, hon, I was in an abusive relationship, and it didn't end until he was beating me up in the front yard, with the cop cars rolling up. That's what it took to get me away from him. Please don't make my mistake. Take your son (who is, unfortunately learning that the way to treat a woman is to hurt her) and go to a shelter. Get rid of this guy, because he doesn't love you and doesn't respect you.
Please, do it now.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (21 August 2005):
 Get out of that relationship like Hitler was after you with the Klu Klux Klan. For your sake and the sake of your son. You don't need that in your life..Move girl move! Get help from family and friends...call the police do somethign or you will be dead in that same bathroom. He won't stop and you don't make him do anything he does not want to do. He won't ever stop ...he will always say he is sorry but he will not stop hitting you. Get out of that. NO woman derserves that ...none.ana
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