A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedandhelpless
writes:I am so confused and that is an understatement... My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than three years. During these three years we were basically inseparable.. Both in college, mutual friends, always having fun. What my issue is, is that he is a year older than I so he recently graduated and moved home which is an hour and a half from my house and school. We haven't even been apart a month and the other night he randomly tells me he wants to be single. I don't know where it came from because we have seen each other twice already since he moved home. I immediately felt sick and made the drive to his house despite him saying he didn't want to see me. While at his house we had a lot of fun, but i physically feel him holding back. He said he is young and wants to experience the world as a single guy and at the minimum we need a break without communication, this way he would have the opportunity of missing me and see if he made a mistake. He is my best friend and I can't fathom not communicating, let alone the chance he doesn't miss me and we inevitably end. We had future plans, my family was basically ready to start planning the wedding, and out of nowhere my whole future has been taken away from me. I've done all the wrong things like as he says "suffocate" him with my crying and pleading, going to my house when he said he needed a break, and texting him constantly. My issue I think is that I feel that in this case distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder it's more the case of out of sight out of mind. So maybe I figured coming to see him and hang fun like we always have would give him something to think of as he made his decision. I am 100% certain he is the one for me. The way I felt when he said he needed a break proved it for me. No appetite, puking, instant depression. Everyone that has been around us has all said how perfect we are together, and it's unfortunate he doesn't feel this way. I am very nervous for this break and not sure how long it will last since he said "when I miss you and feel the need to call you, thats when the break ends". I am beyond confused, know for a fact I can't not communicate, and am so blown away with the randomness of this issue. I hope it works out, but I need help as to what I can do to make sure that he gets the space he needs but he realizes he misses me. I want to make him miss me, and realize our love. I even said to him I made him fall in love with me once I can do it again .. Here's to hoping I guess... Help!!!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Here's the problem. All the things you have the urge to do, as in text him, run after him, "smother" him, beg, plead, cry, puking, depression, etc. will do nothing but drive him away forever. It will also keep you from moving on and keep you in a devastingly unhealthy state of mind.
You cannot "make" anyone fall in love, and the more you try, the more he will run away from you. You beg, he runs. You chase after him, he will start hating and pitying you. Your ego has been damaged. You have to let him go.
If you continue chasing after him, begging, pleading, showing up at his door, you will become in his mind the clingy, emotionally unbalanced hysterical stalker who would go to extreme methods to try and keep him. You're already heading down that path.
You say you want him to miss you? Then pull yourself together. Stop communicating with him and become interesting. Start dreaming dreams about your future. Improve yourself. Don't think about this as "giving him space". Think of it as leaving him entirely. Do the opposite of what you're wanting to do.
1. "I can't not communicate with him". - DON'T communicate with him. Not to him, not texting him, not through your friends, not Facebook, not anything.
2. Crying and begging and pleading. - Dust yourself off. Smile at the good in your world. You beg for no man. You plead for nothing. Soon, he could be saying "What did I give up?" It's weird that way. Stop chasing and back off, and the guy who might have been frantically running away might do a 180 and say "Do I really want to be free?"
3. "Make him miss me, make him fall in love with me" - Again, you can't make anyone do anything, and to have even said "I made you fall in love with me" is very stalkerish and creepy. You have to MAKE YOURSELF fall out of love with him. Make yourself not miss him in your life. Fill the hole with things that cloud out your pining away for him.
He is not the one for you if he doesn't want to be. There's no way around it. You can't make him fall in love, and any attempts to do so will cause him to fall even more out of love with you. Stop while you can before you pass the point of no return and lose him forever.
Leave him be, free your heart. That is the only healthy choice for you now.
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