A
female
age
36-40,
*o_erin
writes:My boyfriend (24) and I (22) have been together for almost 2 years. I have never liked the fact that he looks at porn and he has cut back for me. Which I really appreciate. But lately I have been begging for sex and he's constantly turning me down- even on my birthday. So I told him that I was hurt by this, and just wanted more frequent sex. We argued about him being tired etc for a while, and then I realised it's not a big deal. Until I came home and found out today (after me begging for it all week) that he looked at porn and masturbated. Am I not good enough anymore? And when I said something about it he doesnt care. It hurts so much that he would rather look at porn and masturbate then have sex with me. I don't know what to do because talking to him doesn't seem to help. Please help me. Any advise?
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female
reader, xo_erin +, writes (23 July 2009):
xo_erin is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well Dr.True....not a great name for you!
You have no idea who I am or what I am like in the bedroom...therefore can't jugde. I am open to ANYTHING...and I mean ANYTHING...and he knows this...even comments on it! He is actually the one who turns it down. So I guess this means your advice SUCKS...and what is with the remarks on body shape and race? He loves my body!...and I'm still not quite sure where race comes into this?
Apparently you have just had some bad women.
UPDATE: To everyone else who actually gave good advice.
WE ARE ENGAGED NOW!!!! He propsed on Christmas!!!! :-)
A
female
reader, lil_mama7965  +, writes (10 December 2008):
Me and my boyfriend been together on and off for 4 years,lived together for 1year..before we moved in together we would have sex every weekend or more than that!after moving in we still did it but now i dont know whats going on we've done everything in the book so finding anything new to do doesn't help! I sometimes would find porn in my dvd and didnt really care but now that i know how he gets when he doesnt find his porn he gets hysterical and that scares me..is it a problem?am i not good enough?he likes caucasian women and is very turned on by one..im mexican and puertorican and one thing i know is that im not ugly.sometimes i think he prefers a white girl before me,which to me it isnt a competition and i actually like cauacsian females i dont have a problem with them but this really bothers me,,my boyfriend is a real freak and any pornos or websites he can find hell be in it..i have that problem 2 so i need advice ur not alone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Thanks for the update babes, and the advice... That was a brilliant piece of advice there. Yes sometimes for people, porn is a quick piece of sex, whereas sex with a partner needs more effort and work. Oral sex can sometimes bridge the gap, pleasing him rather than leaving him alone with his right hand, can make men turn to you than doing it alone.
KC your biggest problem isn't the porn, it's the drug your boyfriend is using. For some people weed makes them horny and they actually want more sex. But if your boyfriend smokes a lot of weed, then it will make him lazy, and as you found out, lacking the motivation to do anything except smoke his head off.. Try to tackle the weed issue first, this is his main problem and I bet it effects more than just your sex life.
Anyway Erin's advice is great, thanks for the update babes and the tips about how to talk to men.. Blessings
PS: A great thing that you allow him to bring it out in the open and stop hiding from you. Honesty in relationship is much better than secrets, good for you honey for letting loose and telling him the score.
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A
female
reader, xo_erin +, writes (30 September 2008):
xo_erin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell first of all I would like to thank everyone for your advise. I had a huge melt down one night...and since then he's not doing it as often. Once or twice a week he does it...and out of respect for me he doesnt delete the history anymore so I know he's not doing anything behind my back. Our sex life hasnt changed at all. We still have it once or twice a week and I have just adjusted to it...although sometime I still think of cheating I haven't done it. I rarely ask for it anymore to save myself from being turned down. So I have just learned to live with it now. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. I know that a lot of it has to do with us working different shifts, and once he starts to work day shifts again it will all go back to the way it was before because he wont have the alone time to look at porn all the time.
My advise to you kc21 is tell him how you feel. Not once in your paragraph did you mention that you spoke to him about the way you feel. As we may like to believe men can't read your mind. In fact a lot of them wouldn't even be able to tell something was wrong unless you tell them. So the first step in your situation is to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Instead of using "YOU" and putting blame on him use "I" instead...it works much better. For example don't say to him "You don't find me attractive at all becuase you look at porn all the time and don't care about the way that I feel", instead say "Babe, we need to talk. As you have probably noticed I havent been myself lately. I feel unattractive and unwanted. It really upests me that instead of having sex with me another choice is made."
Okay, so now that I'm done being Dr. Phil. lol Make him feel bad and guilty without directly using his name. It sort of worked for me. Although I no longer ask or nag him about it. He doesn't do it as often either.
Another thing you might want to try (It wouldn't work for me...but maybe you) is try to seduce him...give him the pleasure without expecting anything back. Give him oral (if you do that) without expecting him to do it back to you. Make it pleasurable for him...becuase I know my boyfriends compliant about it was "it's easy for women they jjust have to lay there and take it..." So I took that excuse away...I do just as much as he does...if not more.
Let me know how it goes!!!
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A
female
reader, kc21 +, writes (30 September 2008):
I am going through the same thing as well. I wasn't aware that he even looked at porn videos until I came looking for him when he wasn't in bed at 3am and caught him in the act of watching videos on xxxstash.com. Man was that awkward. He was embarassed at first and now it's no big deal to him. I don't like it because we never have sex anymore (maybe once every 2 weeks) and I felt that it was because he wasn't attracted to me or something, but he said that wasn't it, he was just tired and sore and it is easier to use his hand than to actually have sex with me. Ouch. He does have a shattered shoulder blade, but it's a 5 year old injury. Our relationship is great other than that, we always have fun together. I used to have a really high sex drive as well and now it's totally gone because I have been turned down so much I don't see the point in getting in the mood. I'm only 22! I feel like he's cheating on me, especially when he goes to sites where you can actually talk to live webcam whores. Out of desperation for an answer I asked a close guy friend about it and he said he must be crazy to not want to have sex with me and thinks he just has some sort of a problem. I am not trying to sound conceited but I know that I am a good looking woman and I have been in many relationships and never experienced a problem with this. My boyfriend does smoke weed a lot and my friend told me that laziness could be the problem. He is looking at porn more and more frequently almost every night now, he barely sleeps. When he did come to me to have sex the other night I just said no because I wanted him to know what it feels like to be shot down. It didn't help me though, I checked his computer today and sure enough he looked at some last night. I don't know what to do, if you got any where with your boyfriend and your situation please let me know how it turned out because I don't know what to do..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): I am going through the exact same thing, and I am at the point of looking for reasons to not break up with him because the other areas are not going well. If it's not the meds he takes or has taken that lowers his libido, its stress, its fighting, but even the way he approaches sex is porn-y. A year into this, and it hasn't been more than 60 times we've had sex. The most we've done it was in a trip, because of the thrill, be it in a bathroom, with someone in the room, etc., you get it. But this is the push I needed. This is just the icing on the cake. But asking for sex at first just led me to lower my libido, which used to be higher than most women. What's worst of all is that he is about the same age as the person who made question, though I am older.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): I agree with Troubledtoomuch's answer.
Your BF should know he's not doing the right thing here. If he doesn't know it, then he needs some sense knocked into him.
But if he already knows he's got a sexual problem, and he's really brushing off the issue out of embarrassment for how he's unable to handle it right, then verbally "knocking some sense into him" about it may do more harm than good. In this case you two need to have a serious conversation about it and he needs to open up about what's really going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Although I normally defend the use of porn, I have said many times that when it interfers with a normal sex life that it is a problem. This is the case with your boyfriend. For him to actually chose porn over sex with you means that he has a problem that is ruining your sex life and would likely interfere with a normal sex life with anyone.
LonelyButNotAlone has given you some good advice. I also don't believe that this behavior is normal. I think that most men use porn and masturbation to supplement sex, as most men have a higher sex drive than most women. That was the case with my wife and I when I was younger. I could easily have sex 4 times a day, while she was happy with once and occasionally twice. Watching porn and masturbating to relieve sexual tension when the partner does not want sex is fine, but doing that when there is a willing partner is unacceptable in a healthy relationship.
As Lonely said, talk to him about this if you are not already too disgusted. If he cannot talk in a respectful manner about this problem and want to solve it then I think that it is best for your happiness to consider leaving him.
I doubt that his behavior has anything to do with how good you are in bed. I would bet you are fine, so don't get down on yourself. For me, no porn is nearly as exciting as sex with a real woman. It is just a fill in when there is no willing woman available or when my wife and I want to watch it together.
Don't allow this to make you into a porn hater. There are many men who watch porn and still respect the needs of their partners. You have just run into an extreme case. Porn and masturbation that does not interfere with a normal sex life is commonplace, even among some, or perhaps many women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): I have no problem with porn, I think it is usually activity, except when somebody is neglecting their partner and turning them away. Is your guy depressed, is he stressed out. Sometimes porn is used as stress relief and he may be covering up his problems in life, by trying to hide away in fantasy. The advice that he may be bored with your sexual life could also be the case. Try to talk to him again, but this time take him out to dinner, or somewhere public, take him out on a date and tackle the issue there. How is your relationship other than this. Do you have fun times together, do you cuddle and kiss, do you go out. If there is nothing wrong with him and there is nothing noticeable wrong with your relationship but he is pushing you away, then I suggest you demand he goes to counselling because he has a "sexual addiction". If he won't well, unfortunately your relationship is over because you are too young, to put up with a life without sexual release. Have you offered to join him in his porn usage and make it a stimulant to your sexual life. Perhaps there is things that he likes, but he dosen't know how to ask for. Men who neglect a real life woman and leaves her sexually frustrated have big problems and it may be that your relationship cannot be saved. Try to take him out to dinner and tackle the sexual issues again... Good luck, and we'd be gratefull if you'd come back and update and tell us how you got on.
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (21 August 2008):
 This is definitely not typically the case, I'll admit.
For why he might prefer porn... it's quick, it's easy, it's convenient, he doesn't have to worry about satisfying anyone but himself and it allows him to satisfy any type of fantasy, no matter how bizarre, he might have. The more a person watches, the more desensitized to sex they become. They eventually start to seek out stuff that's more hardcore, more extreme, more bizarre. The truth is, he might simply find regular "vanilla sex" to be boring and wants to do more adventuresome things.
The bigger problem lies in the fact that when you brought up about how much it bothers you and he turned it into an argument and shrugged off your complaints rather than give you a reasonable explanation. It may be that he doesn't feel he can ask you to act out the sexual fantasies he has.
You've been together for awhile. If you're not fed up with him, I'd suggest to try talking with him again, let him know that you don't mind being more adventuresome if that's what it'll take (assuming your comfortable with this). And don't do anything that you aren't comfortable with just to rekindle the fire.
If he's still giving you the run-around after doing that much, I would say that you should consider breaking-up. There are lots of men out there that would prefer "actual sex" to porn any day.
Good luck.
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