A
female
age
51-59,
*olli73
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for over 18 months now and at first we had an amazingly erotic and stimulating sex life, did it everywhere, all the time. Things started to slow down. I knew that he did porn, I knew he went on prostitute website to look at their profiles and sometimes email/text them but I believed he never went further than that. This knowledge on its own crucified me. But a month ago, he promised that he had stopped with everything. He had changed. He did not want to go on prostitute website and he did not want to do porn. He told me it was "dark energy" and also told me he stopped doing computer games. I know from his history that he has stopped nothing. But every day he tells me he is not doing porn and every day I know that he is. I am incredibly adventurous in the bedroom, I do everything, I'm sexy, slim brunette, I'm beautiful and better in bed than any porn star. I'm creative and available for him 24/7. I want sex every day, but he has porn and so he does not want me every day. I feel rejected. He tells me he is not horny and that he is stressed when I know he has already done porn twice that day. It really hurts me. When he is not with me we, made an agreement that if he is horny he will call me and jerk off over the phone to me while I talk dirty. I even sent him dirty pictures of me. He doesn't. He just tells me he doesn't feel like it. I cried about this the other day. He told me he hadn't cum in 11 days with me but I knew that he was doing porn every day. Sometimes four or five times a day. I pretty much begged him to cum over the phone to me. I didn't want him doing porn again that day. It just hurt so much. So what he did was put on pornstar Briana Banks getting done from behind hardcore and really moaning loudly and then called me telling me he was just thinking of me (with his computer on silent watching her) and then told me he wanted to come over at the weekend and bend me over and hear me moan like a slut - which of course I'm happy to do. I asked him if he was watching porn he said no. So I talked him through and he came. But I knew what he was doing. And it broke my heart again. I have never rejected him for sex but he regularly rejects me. I just don't know how much longer I can take this and I don't know what to do. It's really damaging my self-esteem. I want to be with a man who appreciates my high sex drive and then even if they are "too tired" to have sex I am willing to satisfy them in every way even if it's just watching them jerk off. I have no problems with anything that my boyfriend does but I have a problem with him lying to me and doing it behind my back. I just want to be a part of his sex life and I want to share his sexual experiences as I share my fantasies and all my sexual experiences with him. Does anyone else have any advice?
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female
reader, Lolli73 +, writes (13 August 2009):
Lolli73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for those sage words, I think the great thing about this site is that people are not emotionally involved with each other and so their instinct works well, I think you hit the nail on the head - a few times. I am asking myself what I get from being with him, we get on well, have a laugh together, he's in love with me and I am in love with him, sadly but I've told him how his porn use and his lies makes me feel but he just thinks he can cover his tracks better and carry on lying. He obviously does not understand what it does to me or he would have stopped a long time ago and I often wonder what else he is lying about. He has alcohol addiction and lies about when he drinks and how much. I'm sure he has porn addiction too but doesn't "believe" in going to meetings or counselling or couples' therapy which I have suggested. It's very sad because we have a lot of love and goodness in our relationship but ultimately trust is the foundation for any good relationship and I don't have that with him. I don't think you can have that with any unrecovered addict. Their needs will always come first to the detriment of others. I guess I'm going to have to cut him out of my life. The hurt is too much.
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